My mom does not respect me as a mom or a grown woman

I’m almost 40yo and my medical doctor, paediatrician, boomer mom finds it necessary to force her opinions and argue with me about how I’m going to give birth to my baby, what his name is going to be, current advice regarding newborn care (no kissing, breastfeeding, expressing + bottle feeding , sleeping schedules, my desire to try EC from 5-6 weeks old). It just saddens me that she calls me names (“boring housewife” as I haven’t been working for the past year to try to keep a pregnancy) and raises her voice at me almost every time we talk on the phone. My husband finds her rude as she is indeed rude to both of us when she comes over to our home, but he tolerates her because she’s my mother. I don’t like it when she says shitty things about my husband who has only been nice to her. She wanted to be present at the birth or spend the first couple of days looking after me to make sure I’m all right, but honestly the thought of her being near me when I’m going to be so vulnerable puts me off. I told her I want to be just with my husband and baby the first couple of weeks until we get a bit more familiar with our new life as a family. She’s planning to visit us and stay with us for a month to help with the baby and I’m already dreading her being here in my space and her forceful opinions of everything that I’m doing wrong (I.e. different to how she did it back in the day). I love my mom and wish she stopped making everything about herself. I’ve tried explaining to her that this is my time to be a mom and to raise my child how I want to and I’m not interested in arguing. She doesn’t agree that she’s being disrespectful and thinks I’m overly emotional and hysterical. What can I do to make this situation more peaceful?

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Unfortunately there is only one way, to say no. I had a similar situation with my sister (we lost our mom decades ago) and I told her I rather preferred to be just with my husband. She was very upset but that's not more important than my own wellbeing

As a paediatrician I’m shocked she’s got no updated knowledge on baby safety. As a mother herself she should remember how special birth is becoming a family with your husband and also how vulnerable you can be post baby. That brief quiet before you leave the hospital is priceless and special and she shouldn’t be wanting to take that from you two. You just need to be firm, the answer is no. “We want to have those precious moments to enjoy our new family in peace and that’s not up for negotiation”. I’d also say it’s only 1 birth partner at your hospital… she won’t know.

Ow. I would set very strict boundaries with her now. She doesn't get to decide anything about your baby and she doesn't get to decide if she is there at the birth or during the first weeks,.... She sounds entitled as fuck and just because she is your mom doesn't mean she has the right to do whatever the fuck she wants. She sounds very toxic. Set boundaries

Shame on her, sounds like a terrible pediatrician who has no empathy for moms. How would her patients moms feel if they heard her saying SAHMs are “boring housewives”? Disgusting. Set firm boundaries and do not accept or respond to any communication outside of those boundaries

Boundaries. Just say no.

I would send her a book so she can read to keep her busy and a decline on her visit. My mom too was like that. But she’s backed off hope your mother gets the message eventually. My advice is don’t put up with anything that bothers you or your partner. Even if it means not speaking with her for a while, sometimes ppl need tough love.

To be honest, I think your mum is probably jealous of you. Some women become bitter and full of regrets as they get older. She is looking at you and your life, and is envious. Though she would never admit it. She loves you, but the bitterness continues to grow within her. You love her, so only you can decide where to draw the line. Some people go ‘no contact’. I could never cut my mum off, but painfully learned how to maintain distance, to enjoy my own baby. Even years later! Be warned, her behaviour is likely to get worse when your baby is here. Yet, she will always assume the position of victim. She is already projecting by calling you those names. She will definitely belittle your skills, and take over when your baby arrives. It is a horrendously draining situation. You WILL find the strength to take affirmative action, once you have held your blessed baby. You have to be the best you, for your baby. Babies detect negativity. You deserve to enjoy YOUR motherhood journey.❤️

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