Why don't men get it?

Why don't men get that we lose ourselves to being a sahm. That having to meet our children's needs from birth is not something that easily goes away. Then add more more children to the equation, adds more needs to be met. At least until the age of 3 do they start showing some independence, but it's still small. They still need our help most of the time.

Why don't they understand, the constant daily life of being a sahm more, drains us mentally, emotionally, and physically. That constantly needing to keep our emotions regulated is taxing. That we are mentally and emotionally tired but sometimes unable to set aside time to recoup, because our children need us.

Why don't they understand that it's not easy to talk to them, because we don't want to be told it's an "easy fix", we just want to be heard. Why is it that only women seem to understand this. Why can't they try to understand we feel like a burden because we aren't contributing financially, and we can see the stress on them. I don't know how to help my husband understand this. I can try to talk to him, but I shut down, and that causes more issues. I just wish men would understand that the support they are giving isn't actually supportive.

I wish he would stop telling me it is easy to change, as that is the most BS response ever

Read more on Peanut

The views expressed in community are solely the opinions of participants, and do not reflect those of Peanut.

Learn more about our guidelines.

Add a comment

Sooo draining man having to depends on others to get 15-30 mins of free time like i feel you!

I feel you, it’s very hard!

Not all men are like this. I'm very fortunate to have an amazing partner.
A lot of men however do use weaponised incompetence. Your other half can do better but he's choosing not to.
You do need to get out of the headspace of feeling like a financial burden though because you aren't. You both chose to have children. I assume you do all the childcare, cooking and cleaning? Do you know how expensive all those would be to hire? I'm sure you're doing a great job too.
If your other half is so sure on it being an easy fix maybe they can start helping with bedtime routines at night? Or getting up early with them on a Saturday or a Sunday and letting you have some time to yourself

@Noelle i don't even shower by myself as I have an easier time showering with my girls. Less physical because I can sit with them in the shower instead of having to be hunched.

Not all met are this way. I cry like a baby to my man sometimes 😂 he rants at me occasionally. I know I'm lucky because I can be vulnerable to my man and he's always there for me even when it's cutting into his time. I think being an adult is hard.. noone told us this is how it is when we were young. I know my mum didn't 😅 I get my free time washing my face for a minute 😂

Agreed. Not all men are like this and/or they could change, be better if they chose to. When we had our first born, it was a complete chaos. I had postpartum depression which I wasn’t aware of. We both argued a lot. My husband would say I have it easy, ect,. Later on, he was able to stay home and be in my position for once. I just had our second baby in December and this time around, he’s more understanding and aware of things. I’m able to go and talk to him about anything and everything without shutting down (we both used to do that and give silent treatment) and just communicate. We’re both vulnerable to each other. But this time around, I’m not just stuck at home. I’m able to go out and do errands as before, I didn’t know how to drive. I take our first born to school then my husband to work and I’m home with our 2 month old.

I get it ❤️ my husband would never tell me I have it easy but I still don’t think he truly gets it. I don’t think any parent can really get it unless they live it for a while. It’s so mentally draining. And my husband works so hard that I honestly feel bad complaining to him even though he always listens to me and never plays the one upping game of who’s more tired. There’s just things that are so obvious to me about the little inequalities and I know it’s stuff he forgets about because hes obviously living on the easier end😂 like being able to come and go as he pleases without having to arrange childcare or make plans, being able to sit in the bathroom on his phone, being able to just sit still in general cuz the kids are so used to coming to me for help or asking for stuff even if they have to pass by him first.. it’s just exhausting cuz even if my job is easier, the fact that I never get to truly check out completely feels so unfair 😭

in our community

I've finally done it

I have finally done it. I have finally become the trope, the stereotype.

I have become bitter, resentful, and very overwhelmed and overloaded. I am very unhappy and hit burnout. And I snapped at my husband last night. I work full-time, and work has been very busy so im working late a lot. Im also in grad school. I also have a toddler that has become VERY clingy with me. My husband works shorter days but commutes, so he usually gets home after me by an hour or more. When he gets home, he usually heads to the restroom for at least 30 mins when he gets home. And now my toddler doesnt want anything to do with him. So im doing all the toddler duties until bed. I dont get 5 mins to myself. Not for almost 2 years. I finally hit my wall. I have also, somehow, become my MILs medical ride service and she somehow has an appt every week, it seems?! Shes not sick!! My husband was complaining that he needs to change routine to fit in a workout sometimes, and I lost it. I have been BEGGING for 5 mins to myself for months. I have been telling him how im not good, im going to burn out for months. And between his attitude and him complaining (which really got me b/c he blames me for not being able to work out?! Saying I need help when he gets home so he just cant workout now) I just lost it completely. I told him how unfair my life has become and I have the entire mental and emotional load and it is just not fair. He got mad at me and said "hes trying" when hes literally not trying at all. What do I do?? No one is taking the load from me! And im done and dont know what to do now.
I do not like this version of me.

AITA?

This isn't a major issue, just wondering if I'm being a bit of an asshole.

• I do shift work, 5 out of 7 days, full-time.
• My partner works from home (mostly, sometimes he goes into the office) M-F, full-time.

Anyway, whenever I have a day off during the week he gets in his feelings when I make myself food (breakfast and lunch) but not him. His reason is he's working, I'm not - Which is fair but I've asked him how many times on a weekend has he gotten up, on his day off and made me breakfast and a lunch to take with me to work? You guessed it, 0.

So basically, just because I'm at home I don't think the responsibility to feed him should automatically fall on me when he manages to feed himself just fine while I'm at work.

Cheating 😭

I cheated on my partner of 3 years the other day, our baby is nearly 2. I feel completely awful about it. It was not a planned thing, just an in the moment situation. No excuses or justification, it was wrong. He knows exactly what happened and it’s hurt him so bad. I really want to make it work with my partner and he does with me. We’re so young and in our early 20s. I’m just so worried things will go wrong. Has anyone else been able to make a relationship work after infidelity? 😭

Avoidant husband

I love my husband and he is a good man. We have some issues in our relationship however, as he has an avoidant attachment style (finds romance/intimacy/being emotional difficult). This comes from him having to be independent from a young age and having quite an abusive mother.
The issues in our relationship are mainly around a lack of sex and intimacy. I think the problem is that to feel turned on, I need to feel connected and wanted. My husband (being avoidant) will usually make jokes about being horny whereas I would want to have someone make me feel beautiful/sexy to get in the mood.
It sounds terrible but I've sometimes had dreams about exes that would make me feel this way, and the romance we had (eye contact, intensity, deep words). It makes me feel really guilty but I feel like i'm starved of that. My husband would like a lot more sex but I can't always force myself if I'm not feeling it.
We've spoken a bit about therapy but I know its often really expensive so we probably wouldn't be able to afford it. Do you have any suggestions please? I know that neither of us are wrong in what we want, just different but I'm scared about whether we can fix it or if we're doomed?

Big vent!

Hi mums.
I'm a first time mum in my 40s to twin boys.They are almost 5 months old and the biggest miracle in my life!
I am struggling!!!
I'm pretty sure I have ppa as my pregnancy was a very high risk and all I remember was crying from anxiety of all the ifs!Thankfully even born at 35 weeks and skinny,didn't need iu time.
My husband is not helping much because he's always too busy with work.He will "look" after them usually between 8pm-12am so I can have a chance to sleep.
He expects me to just sleep when I touch the pillow,even though I hear tje babies crying and him don't really bother because most of the times he'll be on his laptop working.
When I tell him I can't relax to fall asleep because I feel you r neglecting the babies,he says I'm the problem becauae I'm always there with them and don't give them alone time!!
I am angry!!I am furious!!
I can't keep.up.with housework becauae someone alwaya neess me and most of the times they nap I either cook and clean tje kitchen,do laundry or try and take a quick nap.
He doesn't help.around the house,becauae..guess what?always super busy.
I asked him nicely we could clean the house together every Saturday morning so it's easier and quicker for both of us and he said no,because he has a lot of work but probably wants to sleep until 12 or 2.
2 days ago a button of his coat ripped and I told him I'll sew it these days.
Earlier this morning while running late for his work,as always,he weara the coat and told him didn't get the chance to fix the button and sarcastically said..of.course u didn't!!!
I spent all night awake because one of the babies had congested nose and we've been trying to reduce one fees at night.
I wanted to punch him!!He left and I started crying...I cry so much,even at 5 months pp...
I can't go on like this anymoreeeee...
The crying in my ears is constant..my head is always numb..I've gained so much weight and can't find the strength to get back on track..
Even if I try to.find a therapist to just talk,is it gonna help?I really don't know😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

If your partners parent passes away

And you and that parent didn't get along are you still go to the funeral?

Not my situation!