Husband is insecure

I'm not sure if I need to vent or if I need perspective on if I am tripping or other women can relate. My husband and I have been together for 2 and 1/2 years and married for one year. Things moved pretty quickly and I can see how some of these qualities that I'm seeing now probably would have stopped me from moving quite so fast. So my husband is very insecure and needs constant validation and it's so exhausting at times. I'm not really the type that likes to feed into toxic masculinity. I actually like that I finally have a man that is not completely emotionally shut off like some of my exes were and it's okay for men to cry sometimes etc. But I also feel like if you have any kind of traditional values when it comes to your marriage or relationship there's a certain extent to where there has to be a balance. I still want to be able to view my man as being strong and able to protect, not someone that is sooo emotional and insecure that it's coming across as kind of weak. So just for some backstory examples.... He has cried during every argument we've ever had and not in a manipulative way like some of these men will do to gaslight you, but like he genuinely is just really emotional in every aspect of our lives even when we're not arguing. Or like one time we were out of town and we were supposed to be meeting up with my sister and her man for a concert and he was taking forever to get dressed. I was reminding him they're waiting for us and he was like "I'm insecure so I take a long time to get dressed." And I understand that insecurity is a natural human experience I don't have a problem with that but at the same time I'm like why would you even say that to me? By itself it doesn't seem bad but when it's just constant examples of things like this that he's coming across weak and insecure it honestly has made me feel a little bit turned off physically. I feel really bad about that because I love him to death. He's such a good man and a good father but I can't help feeling like this. So today I'm really frustrated because to make a long story short he has been working from home the past few weeks because they told management to stay home since there's not enough room at his job now that they told all the government employees to go back to the office. He had to go in today and I guess he is bothered by the fact that I have not expressed that I'm going to miss him. I checked in with him this morning because he was still laying in the bed at 6:50 a.m. even though last night he had expressed that he needs to get to work early at 8:00 and he works across town. Of course he decided to overthink that. He said I'm acting like I don't want him here and that I'm not going to miss him just because I asked him if he was still going in the office this morning. This is the second time this week something similar has happened where he got moody because he was completely overthinking something. Sometimes it's like no matter how much I say the right things and the positive things he latches on to the one possibly negative and runs with it. I'm just getting so burnt out with that and I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to about it because all my friends and family loves him to death and they love our relationship and sometimes it feels like they'll just brush me off or act like I'm being petty even though my feelings are real. And in some ways maybe some of you guys may also feel like this is petty. But when I feel like this is a constant thing with him being so insecure and needing so much unnecessary validation. Despite the fact that I say and do things to make him feel loved it's still never enough. It's really affecting how I see him physically and sexually and I don't know how to get past it. Sorry this is so long...

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I can totally see this being a problem! The only thing that I can think of is this is either his personality or his testosterone levels are low

I can see how that's frustrating and could absolutely see it causes intimacy issues. Personally, I would recommend he gets therapy bc he can't expect you to hold him together all the time. The insecurity will never go away no matter how many times you try to validate him. I would also tell him how I feel. It'll hurt, and he might get angry, but it might be better that he knows it bothers you. Enforce that you still love him and find him attractive, but his insecurity is causing you to be turned off.

You’re completely valid in how emotionally exhausting that is and a turn off. I experienced this to a degree in my exs and it was so freaking draining and made me paranoid that I was the bad person. I usually do enjoy emotionally intelligent and sensitive men that’s the way I lean, but what you’re describing is an extreme that I feel like would turn off most people. The only thing I can think of is therapy. Although from what you’ve said you’re going to have to get super creative with making him think it was his idea and not you judging him! 😅

This is to an extreme level and would be so exhausting having to constantly pat your husband butt- good job. Your doing great, everything is fine, you look great ect ect. My husband is very strong, masculine but also has a soft side and has cried infront of me but this would drive me insane, especially when I am emotional during my time of the month or worse pregnancy & post partum! You need someone level headed, logical and strong during those moment for yourself. I'd express my feelings about it turning you off and maybe suggest counseling, he sounds like he's been through alot and maybe getting to the root of this insecurity will help him.

I am in a similar situation with my fiance. My love language isn't physical touch where his is. He also would like me to tell him how handsome he is / how attractive he is. I do voice that he does look good (not an everyday comment), I am super grateful to have someone like him, etc, etc. It does make me feel like I'm a bad person because he states I don't do it enough when I feel like I do. I have taken this info and have started to try to change my perspective on the situation. I'm not emotional where as he is.

I’m sorry, but I don’t think you can diss “toxic masculinity” and then complain and call your husband weak 😂

@Brooklyn She certainly can. They’re both opposite extremes!

@Jennifer what you said about patting his butt is so spot on! In one of our recent arguments he said he tries so hard to take care of our family but I don't praise him and motivate him enough every day (which I appreciate and tell him I do often). Mind you a couple weeks prior I had opened up to him about struggling mentally and being really depressed and stressed because of some work and personal things going on. It felt so selfish for him to expect me to pour from an empty cup at that time. At what point do you do the work to build yourself up instead of expecting me to do it all the time? 😭

@Brooklyn There's a balance to everything in life. I would never expect a man to deal with me being OVERLY emotional and insecure. As an adult, men and women need to work on not letting their trauma and insecurities effect their relationship.

@Angelique ♎ And that's the thing that sucks because it starts making you second guess yourself. Like am I taking him for granted? Am I a bad wife? It sucks to keep being told you're not doing enough even though I'm trying really hard to love him the way he needs to be loved.

@Philomena Thankfully he's actually open to therapy and has looked into it recently. He's pretty self aware hence him constantly saying he's insecure 🥴 Actually getting past his insecurities is another story tho. It's draining tip toeing around his feelings or having to constantly reassure him in the meantime.

Well that’s good news! That’s half the battle so there’s a lot of hope there! In the meantime I would highlight how you want to be able to trust him not to shove all his fears onto you like they’re your responsibility and when he does that it makes you feel like you’re walking on eggshells. I’d probably sandwich that conversation in between a lot of affirmations, but that at the end of the day there’s a reason you chose him, and how can he expect you to keep believing in him if he can’t believe in himself. He needs to do some of heavy lifting with his fears and not shove them onto you, you have your own battles as well. Partners are a support system to each other, not the sole life-source.

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