Advice/encouragement about a future with your BD
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If he proposes and you aren’t ready, then you say no. You tell him exactly that, you’re arguing so much you’re not in a position to get married and you both need to go to therapy if you really want to try fix it. If nothing has gotten better after deciding to stay together to give your child the life you want your child to have, then it’s not going to be fixed. I get that you want to try again but he’s letting you down massively and sometimes it is best to walk away if nothing else works. It’s better for your child to actually not be around parents that argue all the time. The only time I saw my home was broken was when both of my parents argued and were unhappy. Because they were already broken. When they split I had conflicting feelings because my father moved farther away for work, but he stuck around. I got every other weekend with him and he had to drive down to pick me up every time. But he was happier being without my mum. They once loved each other but all they did was destroy
Each other and they hurt their kids too. Me and my sister suffered and I still remember the way the arguments terrified me as a kid, arguments about flushing their wedding ring down the toilet. Things that now seem so irrational but it happened and trauma sticks. I’m glad they separated because they both needed to get on with their lives. I still knew they loved me, I still knew they wanted the best for me and that’s why they didn’t stay. They were only going to keep hurting themselves and others around them. Kids pick up so much more than you realise. Even if they are in another room. So in this situation I’d be thinking about my child. Staying in a relationship for your child doesn’t fix anything. It only adds more problems. If you want to try then you can of course that’s your decision, but for your kids sake realise when there’s nothing else that can be fixed. Some people change and some people don’t. I hope you do work it out though and find what you need in your life
@Millie yeah… that’s what I was thinking. There’s not that many support groups for this kind of situation. And there’s no really any resources available. I’ll message you if that’s okay?
Of course 🩷
@Dionne oh 1000000000% agreed! I grew up with both abusive pair of parents. My biological dad is an addict and emotionally abusive, my mom is a narcissist, and my step dad is an addict, abusive, and a narcissist too. I’ve been in the therapy all my life as far and long as I can remember. I have so many issues regarding relationships and understanding conditional love. I don’t wanna stay with him but I have NO choice. I don’t have no one to stay with, I can’t work full time and afford full time childcare and be able to save some aside to plan my escape. I’ve spoken to my therapist about this and she referred us to a couples therapist. I told him countless times that I WIL NOT even consider getting engaged until we go to couples therapy and sort out our communication issues and strength our relationship. And he’s resistant towards therapy. But after us arguing late last night I told him this is WHY we need couples therapy. And he finally caved after my months of BEGGING.
@Dionne I’m so so so so so scared. I don’t wanna end up like my mom. I don’t know what else to do. I can’t afford life on my own and I won’t have help from anybody else. I don’t have any friends or family nearby that would be able to help or let me stay with them with my daughter until I can get back on my feet. My family is super super super toxic. I am so close to his family, though his mom is basically like my mom because she realizes how much my mom is a narcissist and that I don’t really have a good relationship with her. And it’s almost to the point where I might bring her into this. if he doesn’t get his act together. I don’t know what else to do or who else to turn to
I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. I’m sorry I didn’t realise that at all. Can you save up right now to plan to leave eventually? If you don’t want to end up like your mom then you won’t. Trust me, I said the exact same thing and people who know me and my mum well reassure me that I’m not the same. I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. You should always have someone to be able to go to. I know I’m a stranger but I’m always here if you want to talk. I’m in UK and don’t know much about any resources in US, or places to go to I’ve only ever heard about shelters for women and if you trust his mother you could let her know about the situation. She may be able to help or encourage him to take a step to therapy
I didn’t even finish reading this… leave Your gut is telling you leave and you’re not trying to listen Kids don’t need a two parent household if all their parents do is have unresolvable conflict (as a child who’s parents stayed together for us but increasingly grew more resentful towards each other) Dropping dead weight is a relief
Leave him it sounds like emotional abuse ☹️look into support groups for domestic abuse and find others that are also in your situation! You’ll find the strength one day, one step at a time though 🩷sending love, I’m also dealing with this and the empty promises are keeping me there. Feel free to message me