Would you move in with his parents

I think you’ve answered this yourself. No x

No do not do that. Sounds like a nightmare situation.

I said no, and he is very angry and said I choose my career over family. I told him it is risky, it isn't ideal, his parents can't afford themselves let alone us, and I won't be in work

His parents love us, but they are not able to babysit either, unfortunately, due to their illnesses. He is choosing his feelings over practicality. Yes, currently, it is difficult financially, but once LO is 2 I'd be full time again. He knew this before I got pregnant. His dad always said to him how family can't be far from each other etc etc, and I do agree. But, friendships are just as strong and my friends are there more than family. I have a small family, and he just has his parents so I get why he is upset. But he hasn't lived near them for 15 years and I never stopped him visiting

Definitely not ! You've said it yourself x

The rent close to his parents is 1.3k for a one bed apartment or studio. He'd have to earn over 3k a month for us to rent, given the 1/3 rule. I'd not be earning 1k even if i babysit, so he'd need over 2k, which he doesn't even do now. He can't see this, and he is making me look like a villan, it just won't work.

Just a thought could they come and stay with you? I know you said money is tight but is that an option?

The only other part that's important is he is older than me, and his parents over 10 years older than my own, so he is worried about that. Which I get, but he can fly over easy, to them. I've offered this, I even offered to book and plan and everything, but they are like him with procrastinating in hopes we go to them. We offered our spare room and they stayed over in December, but it took them all this time to come here. They didn't see our baby until she was 1. I couldn't fly over with her, as she was colicky and I wasn't well PP and had PPD. I offered and offered and planned and showed them. I even got the whole journey for them to only be £300 ... but they delayed and delayed and then finally did it themselves for 1k and I had no idea what they did...

It is significantly cheaper for them to visit and stay with us, than we go there. But, they won't come. My husband says they say it's money, and when we offered to pay the trip, still there was excuses

Absolutely not

His dad does it so often when he is with us, talking about how broken society is for kids not living near their parents etc. Pulling strings. I feel bad, but I actually didn't take their son from france. I went to london to do a 1 year master and was supposed to return, but he decided he was done with france and moved in with me. So I got a job and worked my way up, and he finally got a secure job but he just wants a higher job which he might get in france. But even in france he hated his job, lost two jobs, and he is doing better here in general I think. The hours are better and the working conditions, he has regular cpd which he didn't have in france and in general he can't see it suits him. His parents just expected more from him and instilled in him to be more, and so he hates his job for what the job is...

He said I was making conditions, and he got angry. I thought i was being practical in saying we can't move if he can't get a job to pay rent. Like, we can't go without a fully fledged plan that has a high success rate. I would be 'ok'living with them for 6 months whilst we wait to then rent. Not go first, then see how it goes and then wait until I earn enough for us to rent.

Sorry I'm ranting

If she misses her grandchild that much I'm sure they can sell up and move to the UK. It's just the 2 of them. You have a child.

No you’re completely right. He’s asking a lot for you to give up on a “maybe” and it’s not fair. It’s seems far more practical for them to visit and stay with you especially if you’re offering to pay towards. My mom did exactly that when I was a baby. Moved to France with my birth dad she was stuck at home as she didn’t speak the language whilst he worked and he had a social life we were at home alone always and she hated it. She ended up coming back alone with me and started all over again. Not saying that will be your experience but it’s something she always instilled in me to make sure you have a plan and then a back up plan just incase. Which seems is all you want and everyone else is resistant

I don’t think it is is particularly fair of him to ask. My parents live a 7 hour drive away and I wouldn’t ask my partner to move down and definitely wouldn’t pressurise him to do as it was my choice to move away. Presume he chose to move to the UK as well? I feel like that’s a risk you take when you move. Especially as you’re moving away from friends, your family, job, everything you know. The finances as well make it even more difficult. Surely makes more sense to try and save in your current situation and then go visit or see if they can some see you? When you’re ready for it and financially able. As said above probably makes more sense for them to move to you! It works both ways so not fair for them to expect you to go to them all the time, much harder travelling with a baby then without. Maybe I’m being selfish but I wouldn’t want to move even without all that extra stuff! Very kind of you to offer to pay for them as well!

Last year, my husband and I left everything we had in UK, good jobs, our dream home and moved to Portugal(where he is from) to get the children close to their grandparents because their grandmother wanted them close to her.. I cannot go into details because i am still traumatised by the whole situation but long story short, three months into living with them, we were walking on eggshells. And this said house they are living at, my husband paid for with his own money in his 20’s but in the end it was so much that, we had no place to stay in Portugal because living there was just out of the picture and we had no place in UK as well because like i said we gave up everything for this move. So in the end we came back to UK on the 12th of January this year with nothing but 4 suitcases, and a little cash. no home , nothing. We have two young kids, we stayed in a hotel for almost a week looking at houses , until we found a place. We started again from zero, in 2025 with two kids..

Oh i forgot to mention, I spoke no word of Portuguese before the move, my sons didnt speak any Portuguese, my inlaws speaks no word of English, so one can imagine how communication was hard. we put them in school straight away and it was hard for me because i was always like how my babies gonna communicate if they need to. Hmm well all I’m saying is DONT DO THIS. DONT MOVE AlL YOUR LIfE TO FRANCE. You can visit but a full on move?????? NAAA hun. I’m scarred for life .

No chance. My parents live in another country. They can move here if they want I'm not changing my life for them. Love them but this is my life

No don't do that. Also that's a partner issue. I mean. The guy has no money for his own family, losses jobs all the time and give 40k to his family to build a house while you rent ???? I would have a serious conversation with him about finances and tell him if her mom feels so bad she can come over sometimes or he can go back there. You are not gonna leave a very stable situation to live in a living room with your obviously very toxics in laws.

The answer is certainly no right now but you know that. I believe in the value of family but this is toxic manipulation and lack of boundaries. Being from the US we tend to isolate more then other cultures but ultimately you and baby are his family and additional family comes second. However a second approach would be to change tactics and go with super on board under certain conditions. You have to learn the language first, he has to have a job lined up. You need to have enough in saving to afford all 3 of you to stay in an Airbnb together. Ect. Unfortunately it doesn't seem like he's a go getter so making this happen seems unlikely on his part

Thank you everyone for sharing stories and more. I'm so sorry that happened to you and I can imagine how difficult it was to come back :(! He said the same to me, if it doesn't work we just come back, but he would have lost his settlement and it won't be so simple this time. Also, I speak basic French to get by, I can communicate loosely, and little one speaks French (she is only 18m though), and my partner only speaks French to me so I understand more than I can say... We definitely can't move, 100%, I absolutely can't let us go into ruin like that. I gave him strong condition of what he needs to do to even remotely make it seem logical. A two year detailed plan, with CVs ready for jobs that can pay rent. His mum is understandably upset, and his dad is telling my husband how he doesn't like seeing her cry, but unless they can get us a home, I don't see why we have to move our life and suffer in poverty with zero prospects. Like, I've said to my husband to call his parents to visit them...

But he doesn't, instead he gets upset and declares we need to move. Just call your parents and talk to them more. Go visit alone as it's too difficult to do it together. Potentially I can move back to Paris where I met him and where I worked. It would be easier for both to get jobs and easier to visit I suppose. I can visit England easy and go south easy. I just hated Paris so much 🥲 we both did, I was regularly SA, robbed, etc and he ended up being randomly attacked and house burgled. Why trade this life, walking distance from beaches and lots of free community events and kindness... for stress, poverty, and hardships? Once I'm in work he can save up to visit them regularly surely, and we will go for summer holidays and Easter holidays (i teach) without him as he works