Problem with husband and MIL

I know this is a husband problem as much as a MIL problem I just need to vent. I’m about to have my second baby and when my first was born any friendly relationship I had with my mil was ruined. She was entitled, rude, overbearing and ruined for me so many experiences. My husband didn’t realise at the time I think, for example one evening when mil and I had an argument about godparents he went to their house and left me at home with a 8day old newborn until almost midnight without answering his phone. To be honest i think this is partially a trauma response as now i near the birth of my second my husband keeps telling me it won’t be like that but I can’t help but think it will! He says he sees my point of view but still wants mil and son to have relationship as “they’re his parents” My eldest is 2 now and the agreement we came to was he would see mil “most weekends, when we could make it work” it’s turned out that i still feel every weekend is focused around making this visit fit on the schedule and any other family time is arranged around it. When I attend these visits she makes sly bitchy comments to me when nobody else can hear. Recently I’ve been trying to see my friends as much as I can as well as things like getting my hair done etc as I know I’ll be more tied to home when baby born and also it was my birthday….every single time I leave the house or plan to see anyone my husband invites mil over or plans a visit with them. AITA for being annoyed at this? I’d relax and enjoy my lunch with friends far more if I knew she was nowhere near him, and it kinda feels like a punch in the gut my husbands priority is to fit in his mum as much as possible instead of make the most of one on one time with our son (or do anything helpful at home while I’m gone out but that’s another story) I think it also kinda undermines our weekly visits when we can and makes it clear that’s my boundary that he is willing to let her break as soon as I’m gone. We have a ring doorbell and I know last weekend she was in my house less than 5mins after I left. I’m a bit worried when baby is here I will be relying on husband more with toddler while he’s off on paternity and I don’t want him bringing him to mil every day and starting new expectations.

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I’ll just add mil and I are polite and civil in our relationship, I just have no love or trust for her. She’s proven herself to be nasty and untrustworthy several times, but a cup of tea and a chat occasionally is bearable. When it’s too frequent or visits last too long I do get anxiety before during and after though and would prefer to not spend any time with her

I also have this problem and worry! I know any alone time he would have with lo he would run there or invite them here. Seems it’s not about his one on one time it’s about catering to other people’s needs x

He needs to cut the umbilical cord with her. I would lay down some new rules. Give him an ultimatum. With 100% communication on the table. Lay out all your cards. This is your immediate family. Not your MIL.

@Hayley glad to hear it’s not just me! How do you handle it? I don’t want to micro manage his time but I can’t help but be hurt

@Dara thanks Dara. We have had that chat a few times ! He says all the right things but doesn’t seem to actually understand how much stress and hurt she’s caused and why I can’t just “move past it” ….he also thinks he’s doing me a favour hanging out with her when I’m busy so I don’t have to go !

This is a husband problem. Tell him specifically what you need postpartum and how you want him to be there for you and your family.

I find I’m not going out purely because I can’t trust any of them to go behind my back, it’s sad but my partner excuses all her poor behaviour as “reactions” x

I can relate in so many ways. My MIL ruined everything from my wedding to the announcement of my first pregnancy to the birth of my son, etc. We hashed it out not too long ago but honestly she just makes me crazy at this point. I have no more patience. I had to really get into that with my husband when it comes to seeing her every weekend because then her and her shitty attitude take over our entire lives and it’s just exhausting. So we only go over there sometimes now. But we saw them yesterday and it just like messes with me for a few days everytime. I don’t trust her very much with my son at all. I would hate if she were here anytime I left. Having a relationship with your kids is one thing but they don’t need to see her weekly. That’s too much. I would fight for every other weekend at most.

I think once things settle I will aim for every other weekend, I’d be much happier I think and it would be less of a mental stress for me. I just don’t think he will go for it without a fight

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