What would you do?

Does the nursery have CCTV? Have you been introduced to these 2 new staff members? If you feel uncomfortable with the twirling of hair, report your concerns to the nursery manager.

They are probably students studying childcare & they needed a placement for their course. It doesn't sound like they were doing anything wrong to me. Give them a chance.

I’m sure your son would probably enjoy having two lads at nursery and it sounds like they’ve already built trust and a strong raport with some of the kids already. You could just ask the nursery who they are and as someone said they may be on work experience. Would you question it if the boy was sitting on a woman’s lap?

I would speak to the nursery about this. IMO they should let parents know if they're having volunteers. I would also be really concerned about this behavior. I wouldn't feel comfortable with the scenario you described above. If I'm sending my child to a nursery it is for them to be cared for by vetted professionals not 20yo kids. Granted anything can happen with anyone but that just seems odd. I also don't feel comfortable with male caregivers for my kids so that's my bias possibly factoring in my approach.

20 year olds aren’t kids. And is this only a problem because he’s a man? If so then move on. My son is 16 and I trust him with my 4 other kids more than anyone else, he’s wonderful at taking care of babies and very sweet and playful. Just because we have this idea that men aren’t supposed to be loving and nurturing to kids the way we are doesn’t mean we need to project that on someone else who didn’t do anything wrong.

What makes you think they're not just new staff members who happen to be male?

I wouldn't think anything of this, my daughters nursery is all female staff and they style her hair for her when she asks, give her cuddles when she needs comfort etc. And she constantly wants to sit on somebody's knee. It wouldn't matter to me if a male staff member treated her the same way as the female staff do.

@Rachel i believe so aswell.

@Caroline Theyre placement students but its not that, one just made ne feel really uncomfortable. I cant explain the feeling, ive only ever felt this way twice in my life snd both times my gut instinct-was right

This sounds like you're projecting your trauma and bias onto these poor students tbh. How would you feel if your son was thought of this way while trying to learn in his job? 😬

Although I don’t personally see a problem with that, I don’t want to invalidate how you feel because sometimes intuition is enough. I would say listen to yourself and if you’re comfortable expressing some boundaries with them when it comes to your child, that may be helpful too. But also, if one of the women who work there were to twirl the little girls hair, would you have thought anything of it?

@Monét noo it wasnt about twirling her hair, i cant explain it. It just felt off. My niece goes to a different nursery and ive picked her up a few times. Ive met the staff and some are male and ive never felt this way before. You know how when you meet someone who gives you the chills thats what I felt. I dont have an issue with male staff it was just this particular person

I would really listen to that feeling tbh. I’m all about following your gut. My first ever daycare I sent my daughter to, she would scream and cry and I just never had any reason to suspect anything but still took her out. She was a totally different child in her new daycare. And she loved it. And when she got a little more verbal, she told me that lady was so mean and yelled at all the kids. You don’t need anyone else to tell you you’re overreacting

Trust your gut.

Doesn't sound like they're doing anything wrong, just there to learn not be accused or reported. Maybe you're just overprotective? I was on nursery placement before having my son and often the children would come over to me and other staff for a cuddle, sit on our laps, lay on us etc and obviously we done nothing wrong either and kept professional still but let the children be free to do those things as they wish - I asked were these things appropriate and do I allow them and the staff told me this was as some children dont get that kind of 'love' etc at home and need it from another role model

I wouldn’t think anything of it personally. When my daughter first started nursery its was an all female staff. A year later there were 2 young men added to the staff and they were absolutely lovely guys. My daughter always spoke highly of them and they seemed to generally enjoy working with all the children. If the little boy was in a ladies lap would that make you uncomfortable as well?? Are you suggesting that men shouldn’t be in a childcare setting. Women can be predators just as much as men, it’s just not heard of as much. Speak to the setting. See what they say.

What does trusting your gut look like here though? They've done nothing wrong so how to report them? Pull your kid out of the nursery? Ask staff to not let that placement student near your kid...?

I've worked in nurseries and I've sat playing with girls hair ... they all used to ask me to platt it and make them look like a princess etc so is the issue because it's a guy? I think you need to try and figure out why or what's making you feel that way because it all sounds harmless to me

Nah. Trust your gut as a momma.

@Mou no one said anything about reporting them. Trusting your gut can just mean removing your child

@Lauren she said it isn’t because of the hair twirling, because I thought the same. It’s just a feeling she gets being around this person

Report them for what exactly? Are males not allowed to work in these settings?

Yea I guess I’m the odd one out but if I didn’t feel good about what I saw I’d be pulling my child out of that nursery. I don’t know what country you are in but statistically pedophiles aren’t the creepy old men we picture the real profile are late teens and mid 20s so I’d say to any mum always follow your instincts if something doesn’t sit well with u regarding the care of your child. Dont base your decision on what we (strangers) say online follow your own instincts.

If you wouldn’t have batted an eyelid at a female nursery assistant playing with a child’s hair or having a child sat on her lap, then this is just because they are male. Despite you saying it’s not those actions that make you suspicious, you’ve mentioned those actions specifically in your post. To work with children, all members of staff will have DBS checks carried out, which makes them as safe to be there as anyone else that’s ever worked there. Of course a DBS check in itself doesn’t stop predatory people (that haven’t been caught) from working with children, but that goes for anyone, not just two male students. The most recent abuse cases I’ve heard of in nursery settings have also been female nursery practitioners. Either you trust the people employed at your child’s nursery, or at the very least trust the settings safeguarding policies, or you don’t, and if you don’t, you should remove your child. You should always remain vigilant. However, there’s nothing to report here.

Please do what you feel is best of your child! Speak to the staff, have a meeting and see how you feel after. Better to do something now!

It’s okay to have preferences it’s okay to listen to your intuition. I’m always doing this with my children . My husband & I have a preference for female sitters / nannies and that’s perfectly okay as it’s your child and no one else’s and I’ve had off feelings about several female sitters / over the years. Because my children are so young and don’t communicate as well as older children do under similar circumstances I have to take notice of things like how my kids act after being around a certain person , I pay attention to the littlest things of what Nannie’s do to try to decipher weather or not this person is going to be the best for our children moving forward - even with cameras in & around our home …and I will continue to do that up to adulthood and will always be prepared to adjust accordingly if need be . As It’s always best to be safe than sorry in my book

I worked as both an assistant teacher at an university research child development preschool and a nanny for many years in my twenties and honestly I never (or extremely rarely) played with children’s hair or cuddled them. Of course I would pick them up or get on their level to comfort them if needed, but that level of touching seems unnecessary and overly familiar. If those are child development students it would seem strange that they would encourage them to engage with the classroom that way to be honest. I definitely knew nannies that were super touchy/cuddly with the kids, but that was 90% of the time the adult projecting affection due to their own desires/needs and not actually something the children were reaching for. Always seemed weird to me. Most children come to preschool wanting to play and do activities, if they are coming to preschool/daycare and leaning on unfamiliar caregivers for physical comfort (cuddling) often I might inquire if they aren’t getting that at home.

They haven't done anything to report them for, but there is no harm in mentioning what you saw to the nursery manager. They will either tell you it's within policy, or it's not. I do always go with "trust your gut" but, other than pulling your child, trusting your gut is just saying to the manager what you have seen and checking it is within policy. My son always sits on nursery workers laps (inc men).

I think the fact that they're boys is not the point. Anyone of any gender can abuse. However, if you feel something isn't right, report it. We are always taught in safeguarding training to report if you just feel something isn't right.

@Kato just to summarise. You're saying if a child wants to be cuddled at their childcare setting it's because something is lacking in their home life...?

Trust your gut it’s usually not wrong. If it’s just that 1 male then def talk to someone.

I personally would not be comfortable with male workers in a childcare setting. And I don’t care if this offends anyone or if anyone thinks I’m being sexist. But around 82% of convicted child abusers are male. There is a much, much higher chance of abuse occurring at the hands of a male. And I’m not saying all male childcare workers are creepy, but some men with bad intentions WILL seek out these roles. Be vigilant while your child is at such a vulnerable age and trust your gut, as once abuse occurs, it can’t be taken back and it scars somebody for life. Why take risks?

I would ask who they are and have they had the relevant checks. It they are students they should NOT be interacting with the kids like this. It is irrelevant for their learning and completely inappropriate.

@Rachel Oh not particularly lacking at home, all kids are unique and it’s hard to know the reasons behind behaviors. I was just saying that, from my specific experience as a previous childcare worker, that kind of behavior was more likely prompted or encouraged by an adult than something a child would inherently seek out from an unfamiliar adult. Also that at the kinds of programs which I worked (a university’s child development preschool for ages 2-3), we wouldn’t train or specifically encourage workers to cuddle with the children. Can’t speak for any other facilities’ practices of course.

If you dont feel comfortable about the new additions its definitely best to speak to staff, you may just be uncomfortable because its 2 young, new faces. My nursery is very open about this kind of stuff with a weekly newsletter that includes any new staff, their qualifications and where in the nursery they will be based. aswell as picture boards in the nursery of these staff their names and family etc. When its a little school and a little kid it is difficult i mean you are putting your trust in people you dont know, but they know how that can be, they've dealt with every kind of parent so im sure your nursery would be able to help put your mind at ease

Can men not work anywhere these days without any accusations? Look at the news and all the horrible women abusing nursery children. There was recently a video about a woman who got arrested after being seen on camera abusing kids. Women are worse in these settings

Ah, *generally* as women in modern society we want equality, and we don't want to be the ones left to do the bulk of the childcare whilst often still working or doing other things, yet when we see men breaking stereotypes it makes us uncomfortable. I think it's natural to have a bit of a "wtf?" moment because we all have unconscious bias, but I don't think it's anything to cause concern. If those young men were replaced with women of the same age would anyone have even batted an eyelid? My son's nursery has a male manager and two or three younger members of male staff. Nurseries we visited before deciding on our current setting also had male staff, one of them was the leader of the toddler room and another was a manager at a family run nursery. I am sure they have had the same vetting and will be given the same supervision. Unless something happens to give you cause for concern I think it would be unfair to report anything.

@Sarah per national statistics men are more likely to sexually abuse kids.... that's a fact. In 88% of the sexual abuse claims that CPS substantiates or finds supporting evidence of, the perpetrator is male. In 9% of cases they are female, and 3% are unknown.6 United States Department of Health and Human Services, Administration for Children and Families, Administration on Children, Youth and Families, Children’s Bureau. Child Maltreatment Survey. Exhibit 5-2 Selected Maltreatment Types by Perpetrator’s Sex. Page 65. (2013).

But, statistically speaking the vast majority of nursery/day care practitioners are women, and therefore any reported incidents of abuse that happen in those settings are also therefore very likely to have been committed by women- sure, that’s not representative of the entire population, but we’re talking about what happens in a daycare setting. It still doesn’t mean men working in a childcare setting = there for disingenuous reasons/intent to abuse. In the same way it also doesn’t mean female practitioners = more trustworthy.

She said above, “My niece goes to a different nursery and ive picked her up a few times. Ive met the staff and some are male and ive never felt this way before. You know how when you meet someone who gives you the chills thats what I felt. I dont have an issue with male staff it was just this particular person” I don’t really overly have an opinion either way on this. But the woman is saying that her feelings were peculiar to these 2 males not a biased and negative feeling toward all male staff.

@Rosa but what is she going to report them for?

Hey guys so update: I did talk to the staff and they are placement students who will be working at the nursery for 6 months only. I also spoke to some of the other parents ( a general chat) and majority of the moms agreed that when they ddi meet this particular person they felt a bit off We cant really do much about it though because its just a feeling :/

I think if we change "report it" to "share your concerns" it changes the narrative. I think you always should share your concerns. Best to say something than not 🤷🏻‍♀️

@Rachel I don’t think she necessarily even intends to report them. I know it’s an option above, but I think that’s just a red herring. She was just saying she had a bad intuitive feeling about them, and that’s fair enough. I think most are agreed that there’s no objective indication for formal reporting of them - unless their actions are out of keeping with their placement contract of course. Which is again irrelevant of being in regard to being male or female or whatever.

@Emma sorry about that, i didn’t know what else to write haha I would never randomly go report someone over a feeling unless i saw them doing something inappropriate or my child said something. I should have written share/voice your concerns

Don't apologies! I meant it more as an "I get what you're saying". I was just trying to offer a bit of mediation haha

Speak to the manager.. it’s normal to be wary about others but I also get why people are saying that it’s unfair if you’re judging based on gender. Too many unfortunate events have happened to children so I get the concern. Women can also be perps too though, we have to remember that. This is a job that is made up of mostly women. It’s a weird one to deal with, keep an eye out I’d say..

Id keep a watch. I'm sorry but why would you twirl a child's hair in your fingers?