Stuck

I have been with my partner for almost three years, we have a 18 month old together. I don’t even know where to begin but it’s been hard really here recently and over and over the thought of not caring about the relationship has come up too many times. I understand being a parent is hard and trying to have a relationship is hard as well after a child. Anyway, the past few years I’ve cooked, cleaned, run baths etc for him like normal women do for a man. Fast forward to now, he had two minor strokes last year which he is fine he is on meds and has mobility mostly but sensation in his right hand and leg are kinda not there. Anyway I’m trying to be patient and all but the few times I was in the hospital I had our daughter alone and was juggling things alone while he was in there. Ever since he has been home from the more recent stroke, he doesn’t do anything around the house. He was let go from his job due to the stroke so now he doesn’t work and the only thing is taking care of our daughter. He takes care of her but hardly, due to the sensation issue in his arm it’s hard for him to change her as she moves a lot. I do majority of the diaper changes, then I bathe her almost every night, dress her, prepare food, give her snacks etc. He may do it every once in a while that’s it. I have to literally beg him at this point to help me which is frustrating. He says he is “trying” but I’ve asked and asked for the same thing for a while and now all of the sudden he is gonna change. Now I’m overwhelmed, frustrated etc I’m distancing myself and getting increasingly more vocal about being frustrated and get mad all of the sudden I’m the problem or feel that way. I don’t feel like having sex and that’s a problem when I’ve said I’m overwhelmed and need help and I feel he is a child and I’ve told him that. He told me I don’t care about him which I can go in and on explaining why that’s bull but he doesn’t have to do hardly anything. So why does he feel that way? He never has brought up issues with me until now and it’s upsetting because I do everything for everyone else and I’m the last to get anything but all of the sudden I don’t care?! I just don’t know what to do. I feel in a lot of ways we are opposite and I feel I’m trying to make a life and he is pulling me down. I know the easy answer is get out and leave but part of me says stay because some change is coming and I have hope it will be him being the man he needs to be but I don’t know.

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Honestly, do yourself a favour and leave. If you have been banging the same old drum, it won't get better. Look up sunk cost fallacy in relationships. It's not easy to leave, but think what you are missing out on, a happy life with a supportive partner who enhances your whole life instead of dragging you down.

You can try to change him but he would have to put in a lot of work. Him saying he is going to change is different from actually changing. I am sorry he doesn't appreciate you and doesn't support you. I highly recommend reading fair play by Eve Rodsky

@Karen I’m trying to be patient maybe it’s just a phase of him figuring out life now with the mo lily being a issue but he never did anything before. I didn’t even get a Valentine’s Day really. Nothing special etc so it hurts.

But even so it is important to have fair responsibilities. Having you do all the cooking, cleaning and taking a care of a child and an adult male doesn't make sense to me. I have never run a bath for my partner. He has run a bath for me when i was in labour. It makes sense when someone is struggling to support them but even historically before he was incapacitated to have to take care of him. You are a very good person, don't let him take advantage of you ❤️

It sounds to me like you’re both mentally going through a lot. Clearly having two strokes and mobility issues are going to cause a massive rift in the relationship because you’re both now having to manage that on top of having a child which always affects relationships. I think perhaps you should make time to sit down and both talk about what’s actually going on. Men don’t generally talk about their feelings and I’d imagine there is probably a lot of depression in him as well given the fact he has lost a lot of things he now can’t do. I’m not sticking up for him but simply saying it sounds like you’re both going through a shit time for your own reasons and you can either part ways never resolving it or try to both sit down and find ways to resolve it

Came to say what Kathryn said above, it sounds like there may be some mental health struggles going on for him that could be contributing to your relationship rift. I’d at least try to talk it out with him first, see if he’s willing to listen to your point of view and willing to help out more where he can (which may give him a sense of purpose he’s missing too) and go from there. If he’s not willing to do that or you’re fairly certain this is just who he is and that’s unlikely to change then you’re probably best parting ways x

@Kathryn I’ve tried to talk. The thing is the same conversation has been had before this and nothing has happened. So honestly I feel it’s due to being lazy but that’s just my thought. I am trying to understand it’s not the same thing but when I was pregnant I struggled so much mentally, physically, and emotionally so I’m trying to get that from him but it’s just hard.

@Jess I’ve talked to I’m blue in the face for a while even before the strokes. I’ve given him ways to be comfortable while trying to help just anything and I feel I’m not being unreasonable. I went to sleep last night and he took care of our daughter alone for a few hours so I know is capable just doesn’t do a lot because I’ve always done things.

If you are interested in methods to start conversations about fairly balancing work i do think the fair play book is a good start

@Karen I’m not saying I won’t try but I feel it’s too late

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