Narcissistic mother diagnosed with cancer

There is a lot of history which I don’t want to bore with, and too much to say about the psychological trauma I have from the relationship with my mother. The pertinent points to this post though is that I have basically been my mother’s therapist for years since I was a child, she has always put her own needs before mine and despite going above and beyond for her nothing I ever do is good enough. Since having my baby, I have put boundaries in place which has caused a lot of tension between us, but I had finally gotten to a place where I felt able to stick to those boundaries after the first 6 months feeling deeply unhappy because of all the upset over disrespecting boundaries and feeling like it was ruining my motherhood experience which is supposed to be such a special time. However, now she has been diagnosed with early stage cancer. Of course I care about her and want her to be well, but I am struggling now with her further expectations of me - there is a pressure now to increase contact and for her to see my baby all the time because ‘they are the only thing keeping her going’ ‘I have to live for xxx’ ‘seeing xxx is all I care about’. She constantly makes these comments and it makes me feel uncomfortable - my baby is not a therapy dog, and it’s not fair to put all your happiness and fulfillment into a child. She also has 5 other grandchildren btw, so I find her obsession with my baby particularly bizarre. She also expects me to be on the phone to her for hours every day and I physically cannot do that now because of the baby- it’s not fair on the baby to not be paying attention to them because I’m acting as a therapist again to a woman who refuses to get professional help. I know how this post will probably make me look, like I’m uncaring and a villain, and I don’t want to minimise or invalidate what is a horrible experience for her, but it is early stage and the statistics are super high (98%) for her to make a full recovery, but the way she has talked and acted is as though she has been informed she is terminal, which is far from the case. She has been horrible to my dad ever since the diagnosis, and my husband has also noticed her manipulative behaviour. I just don’t know how to now maintain boundaries without deeply upsetting her and seeming like an awful person because of the cancer, but I can’t just do what she wants all the time because it comes at the expense of my own mental health and happiness, which I have sacrificed for years to make my mother happy. Any advice?

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To be quite honest with you, we have a slight similarity in our mums. Relying on us to help them and then we’re told that we never help them or what we did wasn’t even what they wanted so it doesn’t count. My mum is narcissistic, most of the time she’s relied on alcohol to help her mentally chill but it’s always made her attitude towards us 7 children worse. In fact, vile. The fact your mum has now been diagnosed with an early stage cancer with a 98% chance of survival with treatment means she only has a 2% chance of this taking her out. It’s not enough to cry “I’m dying” sorry to say. My father was diagnosed with stage 4 prostate cancer that has metastases to the bones in September 2018 (I was 14) but he never once complained that he would die, he simply took hormone treatments, herbal therapies to slow the cancer from spreading as quick and eventually had chemo, then January 2024 he sadly passed. He lasted 5 & 1/2 years with the most advanced prostate cancer. I’m proud of how strong

He was. Either way, to your story, I’m unsure whether there’s a way around it. I think it’s awful she’s pinning the diagnosis on yourselves and sucking the life out of you to help her when in reality she doesn’t care. My mum hasn’t had these types of things, however whenever she has pain she expresses she’s gunna die quickly and we’d be better off without her anyway. “You’ll all be happy when I’m dead anyway”. The way I resolved things with her was cutting contact for a few months and told her to stop disrespecting me, my fiancée and my son (who wasn’t even born yet). I let her sit and stir and thankfully she hasn’t been as let’s say narcissistic since. We will see how long it takes though. Sorry I can’t be more help!

Also to add, she is making you feel awful, that is what narcissists want, they like being in the spotlight and for everyone to feel sorry for them. It’s cancer, it’s a horrible thing, godawful thing. But many people have to get on in life and suck it up. We’re all going to die at some point. She won’t not for a while.

Similar attitude from my MIL - always been quite an unhappy person and now our lg is born, we've had similar comments about her being the only good thing in her life and she got a bit obsessive. My partner had to speak to her about crossing boundaries and now they won't speak to us or see their granddaughter. MIL won't even look at photos on our family sharing app because apparently it's too upsetting to look at photos when she can't see her in real life (her choice not ours!) So speaking to her could cause a similar blow up so depends if you are prepared for no contact to happen or not. With the phone calls could you set like a limit you feel comfortable with and after say half an hour make an excuse that the baby needs a feed/ a nap / you're going for a walk and you'll phone her tomorrow?

@Liene ahhh I’m so sorry to hear about your situation! Honestly so hurtful isn’t it when you try your hardest and it just isn’t recognised. You are right- there are so many people out there with terrible situations and in later stages that don’t make a fuss (very sorry about your father!) I wish I could say to her, how we are grateful that she’s not later stages of cancer and how other people can be in really tough situations to help give a bit of perspective but she struggles to care about things that aren’t her personal situation and doesn’t want to hear any positivity- if I try, I just get told I ‘don’t understand’ Obviously I don’t know what it’s personally like to have cancer, but I’m just trying to be helpful when I suggest things or be positive as I don’t think it’s helpful to wallow.

@Rachel wow I’m sorry to hear that, sounds like your MIL has cut her nose off to spite her face! Such a shame that she would rather miss out on your baby than just respect the boundaries you have set. That’s a good idea actually about the phone calls- strategically come up with an excuse. Thanks ☺️

It's just seems bonkers to us, from complaining about "not seeing her enough" (which was twice a week on average!) to just cutting us out and not seeing or even asking about her for 5 weeks now because we asked them to rein it in a bit and respect us as parents. I'd stick to your boundaries regarding how much you want to see her, but at least doing that with the phone calls you might be able to find a balance between giving her the extra contact she maybe feels she needs without it taking up hours of your day every day in a subtle way rather than having a difficult conversation! Might not work but worth a try!

I’ve not got any advice for your situation, but wanted to say it sounds really tough, and I don’t think you’re being unreasonable in the way you feel at all. I hope you find a way to tackle it!

@Jade thank you Jade! Appreciate your kind comment

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