Hormones, PPD, something else?

I feel so ashamed and an absolute failure writing this. I am 3 weeks and 3 days postpartum after an emergency section. My pregnancy was quite difficult with numerous pregnancy related health concerns, the birth was stressful and I can't actually remember a lot of it. It was an induction which I was hypersensitive to, followed by quickly needing a section after baby's heart rate began to drop and cord around his neck. I can't even remember the hours following the birth very well, I was so drowsy. Baby was born at 37 weeks, after spending one night with me, he needed time in NICU to support his breathing a little. Because of this, breastfeeding didn't go well, he wouldn't latch, screamed and got himself so worked up. I tried to pump however at the very beginning I didn't get a lot of support once he was moved to NICU as I was still an inpatient on the maternity ward due to my blood pressure. I wasn't pumping regularly enough and I blame myself. I was just exhausted and anxious. I was also devastated that EBF was off the cards. Felt like I lost out on a huge bonding experience. I could see other mums pumping on the neonatal unit and I just felt like a failure, like I wasn't trying hard enough for my baby. He was discharged just after a week and we have been at home since. I am a single mum but with amazing family support. At first I was sure it was baby blues with my hormones, I would cry and get upset at not being pregnant anymore and how I failed at giving birth well enough and protecting him (him ending up having to be born early and needing NICU). Near the end of the first two weeks, I started to feel better, I wasn't crying and felt I was bonding somewhat with him, but now I'm not so sure. I find myself thinking awful things, that I wish I had made a different decision when finding out I was pregnant. That I don't want him. He has had trouble with his digestion and although I wouldn't say he cries like a colicky baby, he cries a fair bit and sometimes I tell him to shut up, I've had to leave him crying the odd time while I just walk away. I feel like I want to run away, today I felt like ending things (I won't, it's just a feeling of wanting to escape) this is probably the worst day I've had, I did forget to take my antidepressants last night and I'm wondering is that a contributing factor to this very low mood today. I'm just a terrible mum, I don't feel like im bonding with my baby. At the same time I'm terrified of something happening to him like SIDS. I feel sorry for him, having me as his mother. I'm supposed to be enjoying this time with him and all I want to do is run away. I'm sure he picks up on my feelings and feels so unloved. This is mainly just a rant. I think I have postpartum depression, I'm not sure. I will speak to my health visitor and perhaps contact my GP tomorrow. I just wanted to get this off my chest. I am an absolute failure at this parenting thing.

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You are not a failure AT ALL. This is how many moms feel after giving birth but not every one is brave enough to talk about it. You’re hormones need some time, give yourself a couple of months. It took me over 6 months to slowly go back to normal. If you have any thoughts like that just tell yourself that’s normal and you will have enough time to bond with your baby and love him! Give yourself some more love

I just wanted to come on here and say as someone who also had a traumatic birth with my first child who also ended up in the nicu for a week and who also struggled with latching and pumping being kinda pointless at the hospital… you aren’t a failure. I know the guilt of having a baby in the nicu but my son is now 10. And all those nights and struggles were hard… but it does get easier. You still have so much going on rn with hormones and you are getting the help you need and you have a support system… so it will get better! You aren’t a failure. I definitely had to put my baby down when wouldn’t stop crying and walked away to gain composure. It’s ok to do that when you need it. It’s not easy being a single parent but eventually these nights will be a distant memory I assure you 🫂

I felt the same way after giving birth. I had mine at 37 weeks with a c section. I had the baby blues so bad. I cried so much. I gave myself a panic attack ended up in the hospital. Then felt stupid for having a panic attack. The hormones and emotions are so crazy after giving birth. I think it’s one thing not spoken about is how you will feel after having a baby. I would tell myself I made a mistake and I wish I could take it all back. I was not able to breastfeed either. We started with formula and when I would give him my breastmilk he would get really sick. So it was a hard decision but after seeing my baby thriving and being more comfortable on the formula over my breastmilk I started to feel better. I did have alot of mom guilt but at the same time fed is best. I also ended up getting the owlet because of my anxiety and I also had another device on my baby. The sense-u. I was able to get some sleep.

I was a basket case. But when ppl tell you it gets easier. It will. Once you establish a routine and get a really good nights rest.