Help making step daughter comfortable.

Hey everyone. I have a 15 year old SD, I have been in her life since she was 5 and for a long time we had the standard every other weekend and twice a week after school schedule. Long story short there were a lot of issues at her mom’s house and cps was called etc. SD wanted to be with us more but not full time so we went to 50/50 and we have continued that for a couple of years now. SD always acts like she’s not comfortable in our home (asks if she can have food like she’s a guest or asks what our schedule is again like a guest) she has been going through some mental health stuff and whenever she’s having a problem she refuses to come to our house. She won’t tell us why but tells other people it’s because she’s not comfortable at our house but we have no idea why. We try to make her feel like as much a part of the family as possible but we do have an 18 month old baby and obviously we still do things when she isn’t around even though we try to include her as much as possible. She has her own room, we treat her with respect and love and get her everything she needs and most of what she wants and we always try to plan fun events to make sure it falls on the week she’s with us etc. I don’t know what else to do to make her feel comfortable. It hurts me that she’d rather go to her mom’s house where she is constantly telling us and her therapist about domestic abuse, overall toxic behavior, lack of food, dirty house etc. We want her to feel comfortable and safe here and I just don’t know what else to do. Before anyone says anything Cps has been called by her school and others on a few occasions but they always give bio mom a heads up and she’s able to get food, clean the house, remove illegal substances etc. Cps has said they don’t have enough evidence every time.

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Ive been there step daughter loves being at home saids everything is great both houses but they will break down crying saying she wants more time with us nothing going on at home but saids mommy saying this or that about us even last weeks we had a fantastic weekend and on the ride home she just breaks down crying and were like whats wrong and she said i just feel like crying but wont tell us whats going on keep in mind shes only 8 but we just got custody placed every weekend and Tuesday after school and week on week off in the summer

15 is a tough age! Have you tried having a conversation about it with her? How close are the two of you? Does she like being around your little one?

We have tried asking her. She says she just doesn’t feel at home at our house. She won’t expand on that. We take her to her therapy sessions and she won’t talk to the therapist about it either. We are close not bff but she talks to me and I always tell her that I’m here for her. She loves her little sister. She always talks about how cute and sweet she is and how much she loves her.

Try putting up a calendar or schedule that way it’s visible and she doesn’t have to ask. In regard to food keep snacks and food available that you know she likes. If possible even get a mini fridge for her room so she doesn’t feel like she has to ask. Ask her more about what you can do to make her comfortable, or ask her if she needs or wants anything. Anything she could want or need try to make accessible without needing to ask a grownup for. When it comes to situations like this you have to consider how food insecurity and abuse impacts one’s mental state and perspective. There’s even the possibility that mom is saying negative stuff or retaliating against her for speaking to you guys. If she’s not used to having access to food she may feel like she’s not allowed to eat certain things. Sounds like she’s going from very different environments regularly which can make it hard to find a norm and be comfortable.

She’s 15. I can’t speak for her but I can speak for how I was at that age. My mom was oblivious and didn’t give a crap if I came or went, which at that age I started to like because I was able to go out with friends and do things a structured parent wouldn’t of allowed me to. I was able to get away with coming home high on weed. Coming home whenever I wanted etc. I was beyond my years growing up seeing the things I did and portraying happy family and big sister was not one of the things I wanted to do. Not saying she’s lying about the conditions at home, but she probably has more freedom there. Just let her know the lines of communication are always open and she can trust you not to run back and cause waves. At the end of the day she loves her mom and doesn’t want to see her in trouble.

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