MIL

Set them while they’re young and enforce that you are the mom and you make the rules. I always talked with my husband about certain things before we talked to my MIL so we were a unified front but basically I tell him how things need to work and he is on the same page

Setting boundaries can be tricky in the sense of how to communicate what you are requesting in a manner that sticks with the recipient. I’m currently on the same wavelength with my MIL. My wants/needs w/ our baby more or less reflects the upbringing I want to foster for him. I don’t necessarily align with her POV of how she raised her children, and misalignment of lifestyles. I don’t understand her as a woman & I think as a result it makes me want to limit how much time is spent w MIL on a 1 v 1 level. Something I’ve discussed with my partner is 1. As a unit, let’s identify boundaries, so things we both want for our son/ ways that we would like to protect our son (no kissing baby etc,.) 2. How to communicate that with both sides of the family to prevent any feelings of “why do I have these restrictions but it doesn’t apply to x,y, z person”. Ultimately, we wrote down boundaries we are both adamant about & decided to have convo in setting where both sides of family are present.

In short: personally, I’d gently communicate in an assertive manner. “ motherhood is a new journey I’m embarking on, and I know you becoming a grandma is new chapter filled with excitement. For years I’ve imagined what kind of a mom I’d like to be to my baby, and now that the moment is here I feel prepared as can be. My biggest desire, that I have shared with your son are, [list out boundaries]. I’m sharing this with you because I want to be transparent about the things I feel comfortable with as [baby’s name] mother. I know that you are there as a support and I hope you can trust and respect that when and if I need support from you then I will communicate that to you. I hope you understand where I’m coming from, as you have had the privilege of raising your own children. I’d like to have that privilege of raising [baby’s name] the way me & [your partners name] have discussed]. This is just how my mind works and how I want to express my boundaries.

I’d have a talk with your child’s father about why it matters to you and what boundaries, rules, standards you want to make known. Make sure you’re both on the same page. What I’ve learned about parenting/boundary setting with my first is to expect push back and be prepared to have conversations and consequences. If my son comes home and I can tell he’s only had sugary drinks he doesn’t go overnight with his grandparents for awhile and when they mention it I say exactly what the corresponding issue is. There’s been times they haven’t had him overnight for months at a time. Things are better and consistent now that he is 3. I can’t stress enough that being consistent with boundaries is how you overtime establish your peace as a parent. But on that not be prepared for backlash and lack of support too, my family at times don’t want to take him overnight because it’s too hard to follow my rules for screen time or snacks or whatever the case and I’m fine with it.

For baby number 2 I’ve already made it clear we won’t be having visitors the first 3 weeks or so. We’ve had snide comments and arguing over it from my partners mother and my great grandmother but honestly 🤷‍♀️ tough luck to make your own babies. The boundaries we set as a unit/family are very set in stone because we discuss why and what the benefits/cons are of each one. Teamwork makes the dream work.

I think the more experienced I got as a parent the easier boundaries got but my overall advice is to stay firm in what your beliefs and desires are as a mother. What works for you works for you, don’t let others make your decisions! Communicate well and clearly (: