Uncomfortable truths

Every parent has struggles and even the easiest of babies can turn difficult very quickly. Some people are blessed with easy babies and then they hit toddlerhood and eat their words. Some people have hard babies and hard toddlers. It’s not a competition or a comparison. Just because your baby is fussier than someone else’s doesn’t mean they aren’t struggling with some aspect of motherhood 🤷🏻‍♀️

@Emilie everyone struggles with something, I know. The most chill baby or parent will struggle with something. And that suddenly minimises the struggles of parents who are actually living with more challenges like health conditions. While the rest are talking about tantrums. We are talking about tantrums and doctors and treatments and appointments and restrictions. This type of attitude is exactly what makes me feel like no one understands it. Some oarents are facing real struggles on top of what everyone else is going through.

Incog, no one is saying that having a child with additional struggles is easy. But you're comment is actually minimizing the struggles of moms with healthy babies, just because their struggles are not the same as yours do not mean they're any less. You struggle with your child's health, maybe another month struggles with keeping food on the table/the lights on/a safe place for her babies to sleep. You don't know what goes on in another moms life behind closed doors. No one is saying that your struggle isn't valid, but why are you trying to invalidate someone else's experience just because it's "easier" than yours?

Other peoples struggles don’t minimise your struggles. But your struggles also don’t minimise anyone else’s but that’s just my opinion. But they might be dealing with a whole host of things you don’t know about and just because they’ve got what you class as an easy baby doesn’t minimise other peoples struggles too

I get what incog is saying… as someone who had an incredibly “hard” baby, I felt that a lot with my friends. They all seemed to have these chill happy babies, who slept well. My daughter is 18mo and still doesn’t usually sleep through the night without atleast 2 wake ups. But they might be struggling with other things behind closed doors 🤷🏽‍♀️ not always easy to tell

@MK I don't see how. Your normal regular struggles are also my struggles, for you it stops there, not for us.

Incog, you didn’t give any context to this post 🤷🏼‍♀️ if you’re talking about children with additional needs/health concerns, that’s obviously more stressful than a “healthy” child. Why can’t people add context to these vague ass polls 😪

Incog, I'd like to know how you know my child doesn't have any medical problems? Because you'd be incorrect in that assumption.

So you are complaining about other people minimising your struggles by trying to minimise theirs? 🤔 This makes no sense to me. Also, majority of the time, it isn’t that people are trying to minimise your struggles it’s that they are trying to empathise by telling you that they are struggling too. I have an ‘easy baby’ that’s not to say that everyday is easy though. I also have several health conditions and am in constant pain. I’m a single mum with very little family or support around me. This doesn’t make my struggles anymore important or valid than someone who is struggling with a more difficult/sick baby or someone who is struggling to put food on the table. We are all different, we all have our challenges and we are all just trying to do the best we can

When my baby was in NICU I would have given anything to be one of the mums at home with a happy healthy baby. We had and still have a lot of follow up care. I was jealous and I recognise that, but I also know that having a baby is a huge change and a big challenge no matter how "easy" the baby may be. I haven't found my experiences at all negated, in fact I've had friends apologise for complaining about their experiences when mine was "more" difficult. I asked them not to, they're allowed to struggle too even if it's different and I'll always empathise. It's OK to be angry and upset that you have these added layers of difficulty and I know to an extent how heartbreaking it can be to have a sick child so I absolutely understand why you're feeling like this. But we can't make it a comparison, I know there are plenty of parents out there with much sicker children than me, that doesn't make my experiences easy either.

Trust me every baby has their moment. I had a relatively good baby by day... In the night hmmmm 🤔Lol. Now full throw 21 months its toddler tantrums, multiple sickness events, etc you just can't compare, they def all have stages. it's not easy unless you have a 24hour live in nanny, so no point comparing?! 🙃

Being a parent is so difficult, people need to be able to vent and their struggles are valid. Mums used to act like nothing was wrong and lived lonely angry lives, I believe it's important that we can recognise that children are difficult no matter what. I hope things get easier for you soon and that you have a good support system.

@incognito some babies are easier. Mine is fairly easy, I’m so grateful. My cousin’s daughter doesn’t stop screaming, even through the night; I think the poor thing may struggle with reflux. I hope in time it’ll get easier for you too. You’re not imagining it, we’re not all on the same boat, but it won’t always be like this and you’ll look back one day and be in awe at just how strong you were. I wish you and your little one all the best ❤️

I personally am astounded at the replies here. It seems that a lot of people are offended at the idea that someone might have a harder time than them? Objectively, yes. Some babies are more difficult than others. Yes, some babies sleep easier, eat easier, etc. Special needs is harder to deal with than no special needs. Of course. It is harder. But it seems that people don't like to hear that. No one is saying that one experience didn't have challenges just because someone else's baby objectively had more challenges. It seems that it's one of those scenarios where we're invalidating the difficult situations in order to not invalidate the easier situations.

I can see both sides here. Parenting is definitely hard at times for everyone, whether you have a so-called easy or hard baby. It’s a struggle for everyone, and no one should feel invalidated in that. However, as a parent with chronic illnesses to a child with significant special needs, it is a different game. You get all the usual struggles of parenting, and then extra associated with the conditions you or your child are dealing with, like all the extra admin and appointments and fighting for support and just so much extra worry. At the end of the day, it’s not the same as parenting without those additional factors.

@Jessica I don't think anyone is invalidating the more difficult scenarios. I think people are just trying to articulate that all parenting is hard and that people should be allowed to express that without someone saying "Well you have it easy because MY struggles are worse", because honestly that's invalidating other people's experience too. Each and every parent has a different experience and different struggles, one does not invalidate the other.

100%. My firstborn was a breeze and I kept thinking I was doing things wrong or something because people on this app made motherhood out to be the most difficult thing they've ever done. Now my second however 😅 I think I'm starting to understand the struggle 😂

As a medical mumma who spent the night monitoring my son’s oxygen saturation and most weeks in hospital for some appointment or another I get it. It is soooo hard and unless you’ve been through it people just won’t get it! I personally don’t think much is comparable to having a perfectly healthy baby but my goodness so many have it tough out there in different ways. That phrase “it’s all relative” is relevant, people can feel like they’re at rock bottom just from tantrums/normal child stuff, all that stuff can feel very real and feel just as bad emotionally, I think we’re just unfortunately aware of a whole new realm of pain and anxiety, and even then I know there’s families and children far worse off than my son, that doesn’t mean I don’t have a right to feel like i’m suffering, we’re all suffering and I don’t think any of those mumma’s with healthy babies would try to say their suffering is greater than ours! I understand your frustration and hope you’re okay 🩷

@MK That's not what she's saying, though, that's people invalidating themselves and then projecting that onto a person with a genuinely difficult situation. There are some babies that are harder than others. And to sit here and act like they're all the same is invalidating to the people with really hard babies.

@Jessica incog literally said that she feels that acknowledging the struggles of parents with healthy childen minimizes the struggles of medical parents. Almost verbatim.

@MK That's not what she said at all. That is people with poor active listening skills getting offended at something that wasn't said. She's saying that the "all parenting is difficult" narrative massively waters down how much objective variance there is in individual experiences. Everyone does have issues, but that absolutely does not negate the fact that some situations are objectively more difficult than others. While everyone does have challenges, to act like everyone has the same level of struggle is just ridiculous. Both can be true. Everyone does have issues. But some people's issues are harder than others.

@Jessica "The most chill baby or parent will struggle with something. And that suddenly minimises the struggles of parents who are actually living with more challenges like health conditions." No one is saying this, but incog is acting like a knowledging a different struggles is minimizing the experience of medical parents. I even brought up the option of a mom that has a healthy child but might struggle to keep food on the table/keep lights on/stay safe is still struggling just in a different way, which doesn't make that struggle less.....yet incog literally said she "doesn't see how".

@MK putting food on the table is irrelevant to how easy the baby is, though, so that point is off topic. The original point is that people with easier babies will invalidate mothers with babies who are more difficult to care for with phrases such as "ALL parenting is hard" similarly to how people will water down racist issues with "ALL LIVES MATTER". Well, yes, all lives do matter. But that doesn't cancel out the fact that some people are in marginalized groups that are targeted more than others. Likewise, all parenting is hard, but that doesn't negate that some parenting IS harder than others. I understand perfectly what she's saying.

@Cotswoldmama lol I think of my 18m baby as a GREAT easy baby, and he wakes up screaming no fewer than 3 times a night and will not sleep again unless nursed 😆 Babies gonna baby!

@Trish up until a month ago she was still waking 7/8 times a night. So yes “babies gonna baby” mine slept like a newborn for 17months 😮‍💨 hard baby 🤷🏼‍♀️

My first child had me absolutely exhausted he was tons of work. My second loves his crib and sleeping and he's super chill. Some babies are genuinely easier.

@Cotswoldmama I just thought it was funny in a discussion about perspective! Mine too is usually more like 6/7 times a night. I just meant we had similar sleep situations and I think of my baby as easy, and you think of yours as hard

@Jessica as a medical mom, I just don't agree. People with easier babies are still allowed to struggle. Not a single person on this thread has tried to say that medical parents don't have it harder. But "easy" is subjective. I actually don't find my medical child to be all that "difficult" even though he objectively is. One person's experience of "hard" parenting can be vastly different than another.

PREACH. My first was diiiiifficult. Still is. This second time round I have an angel baby and my goodness it’s validating. I didn’t do anything wrong last time he just has a really really tough disposition. This time I get to have the maternity leave that most everyone around me was having last time. It’s absolutely reasonable that I was so much more stressed and touched out than they were.

@Jessica also, the original post said nothing about medical children at all. Incog added that tidbit later in a specific reply so there's really no such thing as "off topic" if we want to be nit picky.

This is just a fact. My first had colic and it was so so horrible. And my second is so chill. So I’ve seen it both ways and can 100% say that some babies are harder. Obviously parenting in general is hard. But some babies just make it harder

It's hard for everyone but harder foe someone with a child who is colic, reflux, allergies, high needs, fomo, special needs, ect

My first was a breeze, my second ran me through the ringer. My last is a saint so far. 🤣

100% my child is easier when her dad isn’t around! Ha

@MK the original post is that some babies are harder. It's not nitpicky, it's staying on topic. Again, no one said that all babies aren't hard in some way or that those mothers "aren't allowed to struggle", however, there are babies that are easier just from an objective standpoint, which was the original question.

Some people seem to be taking it personally. No one is saying your child is easy or you have it easy. Incognito was really asking for support in acknowledging that a child with extra needs presents additional challenges in parenting. Until you’ve lived it you don’t know how much harder it can be. I don’t think she’s suggesting putting moms down and saying they have it easy, but is asking for support.

My sister struggled with her kids a bit and was having a tough time. When she heard I had to bring my 3 yo to therapies 5x a week her response was like-jeez that’s a hard schedule…I can’t imagine. That little response was validating to me bc it is overwhelming to manage on top of normal parenting things. That does not mean her experience is less than mine or she had it easy. Even in my own family one of my kids is much easier than the other. It’s a fact. Imagine a child with a feeding tube, or not able to move themselves or communicate. Objectively kids with medical needs or special needs will have more challenges than a “typical/healthy” child.

@Julia yes, I see this happen in so many different situations. People are triggered by their own narratives and then take it out on other people when they really didn't say anything negative at all.