Is anyone else constantly gaslighted like this? It’s driving me insane

My husband has moods that are very up and down and its hard to understand. Some days, he simply wakes up with a negative energy about him. Rude responses for no apparent reason or he’ll ignore me asking him a question or checking in on his day and he’ll blow up if I repeat myself. If he starts to get irritated sometimes I try to take a pause and gently ask him why he’s getting so upset at me for little things, I’ll remind him we are a team, im not here for a fight, im just talking to you…so what’s wrong? Why are you so frustrated? But he will dismiss me with “What? I’m chillin, nothings wrong, you came in here trying to clean and shit or asking me questions when I’m on the game or when I’m tired” Then I’m left feeling crazy, or upset that because he’s always on a game I can’t ever just talk to him because it’s seen as an annoyance anytime he has to remove his headphones… I hate confrontation and rejection so I truly let the majority of things go…to a destructive point…but once in a while it really gets to me. I’ve also had many friends or family notice when he’s in this mode and ask, “what’s up with him?” and I’m left awkwardly defending him or shrugging it off. Some of the women also don’t like the way he speaks to me. I can’t help but notice he can be acting low energy and distant and annoyed at normal human interaction but the second he’s in the game with his boys he’s laughing and joking and able to engage any of their dumb ass conversations about nothing for 8+hrs a day…even how he handles confrontations is better..If he gets in an argument with them, it’s his primary focus…they fight it out or resolve it through calls and texts and conversations on the game….but if I’m upset, he can react and say whatever, then completely ignore my emotions, ignore my texts and shut me down when I try and talk it out or ask for resolutions… Even just conversation wise, I’ll try to talk to him like normal, show him things, tell him some tea or something interesting and he’s like “cool”…tell him I’m not feeling well and have had a stressful situation and vent and no feedback…he’s like “damn that sucks” while he stares at his phone…Then these idiots will be debating about Kodak Blacks ex girlfriend or something for two hours and somehow he can engage that with open feedback?? I’ll add that he also acts totally different if he has some alcohol in his system, he’s the fun guy, outgoing, flirty with me…too much. Just high energy. Also some days his moods are up and he’s happy and making promises and responds like a normal person…and even occasionally apologizes for things he does sometimes or confesses his love and commitment? He’ll want to watch a movie with me and the kids and snuggle us? So yesterday my family had invited us to a traditional Irish meal for St. Patrick’s Day and my grandpa was Christening our baby… My husband has no issue with my family, we socialize with my sister and her husband regularly, he loves to fish with my grandpa, my dad just helped him join the military, no issues..we have close bonds…as I have to his as well. My family has a group chat we are all in, he was fully aware of the plan and timing. We were supposed to leave our house by 12, it’s an hourish drive. So I am up at 8 picking up, throwing laundry in, bathing 3 kids, showering, dressing everyone up, doing hair and had to bake a dessert and bring some items…im waking my husband up for an hour…he continues to sleep in and finally gets up at 12:20 as I’ve told him we are getting in the car… I don’t give him a hard time, I lay clothes out for him and a towel, the kids are all excited and we are vibing listening to music waiting for him in the car, he gets in 20mins later and immediately makes the threat “so you know, im close to bailing on this shit but i guess I’ll come…but are not staying long, leaving after we eat” so he creates this immediate negative tension… I ask him whatsup? Did he have other plans? Whats wrong? He says, “nothing! I would rather stay home, and I said “Ok, It’s just family time and good food, you’re about to leave for basic training and we won’t see you for 6 months so it’s nice to just spend the time with you ya know…Also our baby is being Christene so I assume you would be participating?” He’s responds “I don’t give a shit about any of that, you guys see me everyday, we aren’t even religious so it’s stupid” and when I seem slightly offended because its hurtful to digest….he acts like I’m wrong…I didn’t even say anything, I just turned the music back on and didn’t respond… We go, everyone was excited to see us, made great food, they’re asking him about his new pursuit of the military and complimenting him and the kids…his vibe sucked, he’s just distant, in his phone, people are asking him questions and he gives one word answers…it’s awkward for me because it’s noticeable…..so after my mom calls me and asked what was wrong with him, he seemed like he didn’t want to be there or was in a bad mood”? Now I’m left making excuses for him. He constantly does this…and it seems like it happens more when there is an important event or holiday….somehow he finds a way to put a damper on important or special things…then makes me feel bad for questioning him or reacting to it….so I perpetually have to live with it and pretend like my feelings aren’t hurt. Even today, I just went into his office where he took off work to play video games…I remind him he has an important Dr appointment today (he literally needs it for the Army and I had to pull a ton of strings to get it) he said “yeah I’m not going to that shit” so I was like “what??? You’re literally off work? You have to! This is required?? Wth??? Then he gets mad at me and tells me I need to chill out…why did I come in there talking too much and trying to fight, he was “just joking”?? Joking? He didn’t even say it in a funny way…like wtf?? How else would anyone respond?? I hate this up and down!! It has me so confused and alone! I’m just living life over here like a stable human, im considerate, I’m a hard ass worker, im a good wife who wants to please him and and he’s pretending like he can just be shitty and weird and all over the place and make “jokes” and say he “doesn’t give a fuck” about family things and generally help with nothing and I should just be cool? Then when he’s in a good mood he says the opposite! “Life is about family, we make such a good team, all I care about is my family” ??? I don’t get it… Is this mental illness? Is he a narcissist? Like what the fuck is this??