Mens uncontrollable urges

Well this is awful. I’m sorry you even have to post this :(

Sorry but this is bull. That’s such a ridiculous, pathetic excuse for a man that’s just actually being a dick. A grown man is perfectly capable of being in control of what he does regardless of if he’s horny or not, therefore pushing himself on his partner is the choice he is making INSTEAD of listening to and respecting her wishes

real men are capable of respecting other human beings & controlling their own urges.

If he does that then it's sexual assault, rape or coercive control.

Men who cannot control themselves like that are called rapists. I’m so sorry your husband is trying to normalize that 💔

Mine will stop but is a cry baby about it or gets mad. Like just complains about it.

You deserve so much better than this ♥️

Of course that’s not true. I hate this rhetoric that somehow a man is incapable of controlling his behaviour, when it comes to anything, but particularly around sex. The idea that he can’t possibly have his needs seconded to those of mutual partner, or what I’ve seen a thousand times, that if you don’t say yes, what else can he possibly do but to cheat on you to get the sex he’s entitled to? Or to be stroppy and emotionally manipulate you? Nah, these simply aren’t respectable men. If he wanted to, he would. Plenty of men can, and do. Don’t settle for a man that treats you this way.

Thank you guys. But they don’t believe it. My husband genuinely believes every man is like him. How do I prove differently?

Unfortunately youve learned your husband believes all men are rapists.

Id look up and show him the definition of rape, sexual assault and coercive control personally. Also I'd be concerned that your parents think it's okay for your husband to treat you that way. @Parker 又 sounds like hubby not only thinks it but can justify it which is what concerns me more.

Wow, I can't believe your parents would say that. You're meant to be able to trust your parents. That's just awful they think that is expectable and they would lie to you like that. Men can stop, no means No! When I have dated men in the past and had this situation. I said no and they had stopped. I haven't had this situation with my partner as he is not like that. I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone who is like this! For your husband to say or doing that is just disrespectful, controlling, abusive and rape. If he actually cared or loved you, he wouldn't do that. He seems to only care about himself.

I’d shame him and ask mutual friends publicly, when they confirm that is in fact not how all men think he’ll not only be embarrassed but his friend will know what an awful human he is.

that’s absolutely not true at all. men can control themselves. the fact that your own parents even said that is atrocious. i am so sorry. there is no excuse for anyone to push themselves on someone else.

Your own parents believe that nonsense?! If I say no or I’m not in the mood, I get “that’s okay”. I’ve never been pressured nor had anyone push themselves on me. That’s awful thinking, men aren’t primitive animals. That’s just an excuse for rapists “oh it’s normal behaviour”… no it’s not.

That’s whats breaking me even more. I went to my mum after a long time of enduring it and she justified it. She said its life. She said she experienced it too. But I don’t believe all men are like that.

I wanna ask more people to clearly state theyve said no and their partners respected their choice but if I show him he’ll say ur all lying. If I tell him to ask his friends either his friends will tell him they don’t stop or if they say they do stop, he’ll say they’re lying too, who would admit that

Sounds like she's experienced it so has tricked herself into believing it's okay. Speaking up about your situation may be triggering for her cos she doesn't want to speak about her own. Id get out of there. If someone can do that they have no respect for you. Worrying it was legal against a wife until about 1970.

I’m sorry incog, what an awful situation to be in. If it helps, we’ve not had sex in over 4.5m (fresh postpartum and both tired af), he’s not asked me once nor pressured me. I still get kisses and hugs, still the odd bum slap as I walk by but never any pressure nor made to feel bad about it. He literally doesn’t care one bit. We’ve been together 10 years and he’s never ignored a no, same as I wouldn’t ignore his no.

This makes me sick. Perhaps you should also (on addition to some of the other advice) suggest he seek therapy for his uncontrollable sexual urges. So he doesn't put your children at risk of losing control on one of them. (I'm being extreme here for a reason. He needs to hear himself and how much of a predator he sounds.) Less extreme but frustrating advice, get another man who understands boundaries and respect to tell him he's wrong. Men listen to other men even when the woman is saying the same thing.

I totally agree about getting another man to explain to him. I just don’t know which man!! Clearly my dad can’t because it seems as though he’s the same. I know his dad’s backwards so he would be the same. With regards to telling him to get help, I mentioned a few times about doing couples therapy for another problem and he said why would he do the therapy too if I’m the one with the issue. So I expect id get a similar response. Why would he get help for his urges when theres nothing wrong with him.

I don’t know what to do, he’s coming home in a bit from work and I feel numb but nauseous. I told him I had nightmares today when I napped with my daughter about other men raping me (I’ve had these nightmares a few times) and I was waking up paralysed and still feel that feeling in my body. He asked why……..

@Becky (Can't see waves) he doesnt care. According to him I’m his property since I agreed to marry him.

Property? My dear, run.

Maybe you and your daughter should leave. Do you have a safe friends house you can go to? The more you share the more worried I am for your safety and well being. Has he ever hit you? He sounds like he woild and say it was your fault. (Its never your fault)

I’m never normal one to say leave as I believe that’s the conclusion jumped to far too quickly on this app, however in this instance I while heartedly think you should leave him. And take your daughter

@Kelsey ironically enough he has never laid has hands on me or my daughter and is constantly telling me he never will and never can. I do believe him. I have no where to go. Honestly I’ve always thought the same when other woman are in abusive relationships, tell them to leave, to protect their children, but so unbelievably hard when youre in that position. Maybe if my parents would be supportive I would. None of my parents have homes that could accompany me n my daughter (either living with in laws or have 1 bedroom).

Do you guys think his mentality can change, if we get counselling? I feel so pathetic to say but I love him. He’s my first and only love. I have no self esteem and don’t believe I’ll ever find love again. I know we can argue that its not love to begin with. He will say if he doesn’t love me why does he do xyz for me (and he does do alot). He will say my own mum is saying all men are like that so am I going to listen to strangers on the internet.

Unfortunately my partner has continued to do so in the past when I've said no multiple times, we've had plenty of arguments when I told him I didn't enjoy it more recently he's started to listen to that no but bring in the "do you even love me?" And I respond with sex doesn't equal love and we end up arguing and it kinda puts me off even more from wanting to have sex (I'm pregnant and on anti depressants, I used to have a high sex drive but since pregnancy yeah nah its been 0) I've told him what he's done in the past is SA and that's also caused arguments 🙂🙂🙂🙂

My dad keeps telling me I need to go to couples therapy with him, so maybe couples therapy may work for you?

@Emily thank you so much for sharing. I know it’s difficult to when I’m posting in incog and you can’t comment as incog. He was starting to listen to my ‘no’ again until about a month ago when the no didnt work. His point is that I eventually agreed and gave in. He understands its because he essentially forced me but still somewhat doesnt wanna acknowledge it. I asked him what does he want me to do then. If saying No isn’t clear enough then should I scream rape?? I guess he thinks I should say No firmly and repeatedly and not give in.

@Emily yeah somehow, I’ve also told him what he’s done in the past is SA and he apologised. The only reason this has all been brought up is because of another post I was telling him about and at first he said its messed up and then he said its like men get possessed by something when they get horny. I told him they sounds like he’s justifying it but he said he’s not, he’s “just saying”.

Honestly that mindset of his is appalling, my bf has said similar before that I should just be more firm with it cause it sounds like I'm "playing around" but when you say no I'm not in the mood my vag hurts or it's gonna end up hurting isn't enough to be taken seriously? Honestly next time he tries to go against your wishes just shout "get the fuck off of me" that should be firm enough 😵‍💫🙃 xx

I've been in an emotionally manipulative and abusive relationship. It took 3 years to get out of and it took my sister 10 years. It's not easy. It's so much easier to tell someone what you see and what you think they should do. But listening and doing it are very different. Maybe reach out to someone for yourself, talk to someone not on the internet, but whp has experience in situations like yours. They can help you navigate what to do and further how to get out if you find that's what you need/you're ready to do so. Not sure where you are but if you're US based look up the organization My Sisters House.

Honestly if sharing my experience in non anonymously helps others to open up then I'm happy to do so, I'm a pretty open book I'll be shocked if anyone on here will end up reading it lol but hey not every man's perfect and not every relationship you're listened too. Tbh I talk about how shite my relationship can be quite openly to my family and whatever friends I have (non) but why should I be quiet and be secretive about the bad things in the relationship x

https://www.peanut-app.io/blog/resources-for-women And incase peanut isn't showing you this link.

If I had a urge for it I'd just go and sort myself out not force my partner to be a cum bin 🙂😵‍💫 so his reasoning doesn't make sense. I tell my partner to go and use his hand if hes really that horny 😵‍💫 xx

It’s worth trying if you love him. What’s the worst to come out of counseling?

I think counseling could help if it maybe happened once but it sounds like he has repeatedly assaulted you and blamed you for it. I don’t think he sees women as people and seems to have no respect for them at all. Honestly he doesn’t respect men either if he thinks they’re all rapists like him. I’m sorry.

Ask yourself this. Would you want your daughter to go through this? If she is in a situation that is similar and she goes to her parents for advice then that's the life she will know and have. Is that ok with you?

I think with a lot of therapy it will help him see that you are not his property and your no has value and he should learn self control.

I’ve been pestered and pushed upon so much I’ve just given in to it sometimes, but that just makes me want it even less in the future

I can't believe this is actually something you're having to experience and I'm so sorry. If I tell my husband I'm not in the mood or just don't feel like it, that's where it ends. No guilt trip, no forcing, nothing. Same the other way if he isn't in the mood, it doesn't happen. I cannot believe you're not being supported with this. If he is forcing himself on you when you clearly don't want to, that's rape/sexual assault. His 'urges' are his problem. Go have a wank then.. why is it so difficult? I would walk away.. huge red flag beyond belief x

I've had partners in the past do this. My voice, needs(emotional and physical) , and wants were not met AT ALL. Forced to do things like drugs and have intimacy was my ex(s) go to. My advice. As soon as you possibly can. Make an out plan, and fucking run. That is not okay. Your voice, your emotional AND physical needs MATTER! All participants need consent to do whatever it may be! You have the choice not to do something! It has taken A LONG time for me to realize this, but, sex does NOT equal to love! Your body is yours. Not your partners, not the person down the street, mail person, or your parents. YOURS. Real men can control their "urges". Real mean can wait and be fine with it. Real men have conversations. Real men stick through the good, the bad, and the in between. Real men respect. I fear you're not dealing with a man but a boy in a man's body. You deserve to say no without being gilted!! So run when you can. For not only you, but your child.

Your partner should respect your wishes no matter what!!! That's such an excuse that he has uncontrollable urges. He needs some self control!

What the actual fuck

My husband used to when we first started dating and when I said continuing after I say no is rape even if we’re in a relationship, he stopped and hasn’t since

@Bruna this made me laugh 😂

@Ali I’m happy for you that he understands its rape. I think the entitlement men have and are encouraged to have by society is disgusting.

Oh this is heartbreaking. I’m saddened and shocked by the messages in this thread. Forcing your partner to have sex with you is RAPE. It’s that simple. No means no. And all of you beautiful women who are dealing with this deserve so much better. A man saying, “it’s an uncontrollable urge” is saying this to paint himself as some sort of victim to the whims of his body. It is bullshit. In terms of counselling, the likelihood is, counselling will not work. Especially if it is instigated by you and does not come from his desire to change. I have grown up in an emotionally abusive house and been with abusive partners so I have experience with men like this. To understand why change is unlikely and why these men are abusive, I highly recommend reading, or at least, skimming, the book “Why does he do that - inside the minds of angry and controlling men” by Lundy Bancroft. You can read it for free if you just search for the PDF on Google. It totally changed my perspective.