Husband lying about smoking

My husband and I have been together over 10 years, married for 3. We were 21 when we first met and I knew of him very rarely social smoking but I think even in 10 years I’ve only seen him smoke maybe once or twice. Fast forward, and he doesn’t smoke anymore at all, hasn’t for at least 9 years. He works kind of in the construction industry, lots of work with electricians and contractors outdoors, but also works a fair amount in an office. He often comes home reeking of smoke - in his hair, his clothes, sometimes I can taste it in his mouth. Since we had our son, he washes his hands every day when he gets home and says it’s to manage germs (which I’m appreciative of) but it could also be to hide the smoke smell. He is adamant it’s from people he works with or people he’s stood nearby, but over time this just feels like a blatant lie. Sometimes he’s gone to the shops for 5-10 mins and he smells and tastes of smoke but tells me it’s from someone he’s been near. He has a lighter in his coat pocket which he insists he uses for work things. It’s got to a point that he’s got to either be lying to me, cheating on me with a smoker, or apparently just licking anyone that smokes 🤷‍♀️ What’s worse is that I’ve confronted him about it numerous times in a caring and forgivable way but he is still adamant he’s not lying. I’ve told him I don’t care about the smoking (I do, but it’s not the priority now) it’s just I don’t want him to lie to me. I’m convinced it’s been for a long time and that’s why he feels like he can’t come clean - which means this lie will just continue, forever… and every time something happens it’s like a slap in the face and a reminder of all the lies I believe he has told. The worst part is that after he tells me he’s telling the truth, it’s clear I’m struggling to believe him because I’m going against my own intuition, but he is then hurt because he feels like I don’t trust him. If he’s genuinely telling the truth, of course I feel bad. But I don’t believe he is, and therefore I feel like I’m being gaslit to think it’s all in my head when it’s not! I’ve said we should consider marriage counselling to help with our communication which he didn’t want to do. But I feel like we might need it regardless now to help me trust him. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m being blatantly lied to but also guilty that I don’t trust his word. It makes me start to question other aspects of our relationship to what else could he be lying to me about? He keeps his coat in his car, and I’ve been so tempted to see if there are things he’s hiding in his car which makes me feel awful. I don’t want to be so untrusting but clearly I am! Please help, I don’t know what else to do?

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Sounds like he’s lying. I used to smoke and of course, smell of smoke. My partner used to work with people who smoke in construction and it might be on his coat but that’s it. His face mouth and hands are clean. I’m sorry he’s lying so deeply . He must know how strongly you feel about smoking and scared of judgement. Have you ever felt like he’s lying about anything else?

@AmyRuth He’s told white lies and I’ve often caught him in a lie, but it’s never been a big deal. This one feels like whatever “proof” I have will always be covered by a really poor excuse that I’m just expected to believe. I’m sure if I found cigarettes on him, he would just say they weren’t his or something. I don’t know how to move this forward though, he needs to either admit it so we can deal with the issue however we need to, or we are stuck in this limbo and I don’t know how long I can be here ☹️

Licking someone who smoke’s actually made me laugh 😂 but it does sound he may be lying about smoking as you smell it strongly on the person smoking. My partner used to smoke (recently quit) and he works close with people who do smoke and I don’t smell it at all? 🤷🏼‍♀️

Clothes and hair yes, but only if you’ve been in a contained space with someone smoking. Hands and mouth no way. I just wouldn’t budge on it. I would say that you know he’s smoking and you aren’t going to hear anything else about it until he’s ready to tell you the truth. Stay calm but firm on it. That you will support him no matter what he says but his dishonesty is impacting your ability to trust him so if you want a healthy marriage he needs to come clean so you can move forward, or agree to counselling as you’ve suggested.

maybe he feels smoking (im assuming cigarettes) isn’t a big deal and he’s scared to tell you the truth because of judgement? it does sound like he’s lying to you though esp with the lighter in his pocket.. if it makes you feel better you can always take his car for a cleaning and take a look around

I’ve never known it to be on someone’s breath if they didn’t smoke themselves. Have you smelt his fingers? The tips smell really strongly if the person has smoked

@Molly “can I smell your fingers” is a definite way to escalate the situation further 😩x

@AmyRuth not if you pretend to be sexy and like you want to suck them 🤣

My ex lied about the exact same thing, said it was people at work blah blah. I knew he was lying but he was a compulsive liar and could lie about literally anything. He didn’t budge with the lie at all and the same with you it had gotten to the point that I didn’t even care about the smoking it was his choice at the end of the day. it was just the fact that he was lying straight to my face like I was an idiot. One day I looked in his bag and found empty packets of cigarette packets and of course I done the dramatic thing storming up the stairs ‘you fucking LIAAAAR’ 😭 turns out he was cheating on me too, I found empty condom wrappers in his work bag and I’m allergic to latex so that didn’t go down well at all

Don’t know where I was going with that.. point is if you have that feeling in your gut sometimes you just have to stick with it, mine has never lied to me. Ever! Don’t go digging thinking he’s lying to you about other things though because you’ll just worry yourself and drive yourself crazy! If anything comes across as odd or there’s a real suspicion then maybe. I don’t know what you should do, I gave up and looked for myself because I knew he was a liar. It’s an invasion of privacy though so unless you’re pretty sure I wouldn’t do it because if you’re caught you have to explain yourself. He’s definitely smoking though by what you’ve said x

@Courtney so fast forward 3 months and the same thing is still happening. Tonight I found a pack of cigarettes in his pocket (I knew this day would come one day) and he still told me they weren’t his. I only checked his pocket because he had just popped out and smelt of smoke. I think even if I found a cigarette in his mouth he would say it fell there 😂😂 I have to laugh because I’m losing my mind 🤪. He’s left the house tonight to give me a bit of space, but said he was basically going to stay away until I was ready to apologise?! I’m losing the will and don’t know what to do 😞

Sorry you’re still going through this! Liars are the worst! It’s so manipulative to lie when the proof is right there. It’s like he really thinks you’re stupid! I don’t have advice but I hope he realises you aren’t a fool. If he can lie about this he can lie about anything. I wouldn’t trust him fully.

Can I ask what you did in this situation? How are things now? X