Step dad touching me when I was younger
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Don’t ever let your daughter with them alone he will do it..
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I’m so sorry this happened to you. What an awful position to be in. The difficulty, whilst everything seems alright now, that’s because he was obviously very able to manipulate and convince you not to tell and would be the same to anyone else he abused. I totally understand you don’t want to tear apart your family, but that’s not on you, it’s on him. You can’t live the rest of your life worried about who he might abuse and what you would do if he did. The fact that he has been there for you doesn’t change the fact that he’s an abuser. I know it would be awful for your mum but it would be more awful if she found out one day and knew that you only didn’t say to protect her feelings. I would talk to your therapist as a starting point, you don’t have to name him so you can talk about your experience and concern before making a final decision but absolutely they will want to protect any children he would be around as they should. I would also talk to your sister as hard as it is,
As if he did abuse her too then you will know for sure you have to say something and if not then surely she will support you anyway. I would be heartbroken if it happened to my sister but I would definitely want her to tell me. I’m assuming she’s also an adult now?
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@Lara it feels normal tbh with you it feels likes it part of me as my bf that I had in college raped me and then cheated on me and then my ex abused me in every way possible and physically and emotionally abused and still abusing my daughter atm so it feels completely normal to me in the point I haven’t had that happy life growing up as a child. I just feel like telling and reporting will come down to me being the “dramatic one” although I do get what you mean because I know I’d want my daughter to tell me if something like that heaven forbid happened to her instead of hiding it because she doesn’t want me upset. I will definitely mention it as a lot of stuff has happened over the past 4 days that I’ve hit rock bottom almost and hanging on thin ice before it cracks and I go under. My mum is looking into doing childminding aswell and I don’t want that being ruined because he will have that on his record because he lives there. My sister even had to have a dbs check because she lives in
The house. I don’t talk to my sister. We don’t have a very close relationship tbf the last time I saw her was at Christmas for 10 minutes. I mean I hope she’s support me if it didn’t happen to her or if it did I’d hope she’d open up to me but we don’t even talk. Yeah she’s 24 now.
Yes it is his fault not yours!! If your mom blames you that’s insane. He did this.
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@avery I just feel like she’ll take his side because if I ever done something we’re I’d sit on the sofa and put my feet up like they allowed my sister to do I would get told off by my dad and I would kick off but my mum would side with him even though it’s clearly unfair on me etc so I feel like she would because she’s married to him etc but I would also want to hope that she’d believe me and take my side but I just don’t know. I’ve not exactly had the greatest life. I was always pushed to the side growing up and my sister was the one who always got the attention but I put that down to her being the second child and my mum going through the abuse from mum birth dad and my sister was a fresh start if you like. That’s how I’ve always seen it so just never know how she’ll react x
At this point I would assume he will do it if he is around your daughter. There should be no question ab it imo. That’s good you don’t allow her to be there if he is there. Even at family functions I would make sure he doesn’t sneak off w anyone underage..
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@avery that’s the thing I feel he would with the stuff he says about me being too soft on her and that if she’s fallen over or hurt herself I should t be giving her a hug and asking her if she’s alright and constantly judges my parenting. Yeah I don’t trust it at all it always gives me bad vibes. Oh yeah the only ones under age are my brother and daughter and they wouldn’t leave our sides if we’re there
Ok as someone who went the whole way when my uncle kept molesting me as a kid (5-12). I did the court thing etc. I had no idea my father's side wo turn against me. As an adult I found more supported me in silence and watched their grandkids etc around him... I do NOT regret reporting it. But he was acquitted and they tried to say it was my dad. Ppl need to speak out and make sure they keep their kids an all future kids safe and away from these ppl. They do it over and over to most kids. I'm sure your sister got out after staying quiet and stays away. That was my plan too before I spoke out. I spoke out for my brothers and cousins- male or female. All can be targets. They are sick! They need to be stopped because they refuse to stop themselves. None of this is the survivor's fault. ever! You were a child and in a position that was to be protected, NOT violated. So sorry you too went through this xxxx Your mom does need to know even if it hurts as she has another kid to protect and grandkids. Or care kids!
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I was always “grounded” to my room and not allowed out I was grounded for 2 years and not allowed downstairs and had to eat my dinner in my room probably because he was worried I would say something. It is disgusting what they do and what they feel they can do and get away with. I just felt like I should’ve known it was wrong and stopped it the first chance I got or told my mum or someone but I just allowed it as I was too scared to say anything different. Yeah I just really don’t want to be the one to upset my mum and be “that” daughter. She has got my 5 year old brother and my daughter and heck whatever age chikdren she looks after when she’s able to start childminding.
@Priscilla oh hun I am so sorry that happened to you. That’s awful they turned against you and didn’t believe you. I feel every time someone is the wrong everyone will side with that person and “protect” them. That’s dreadful they tried to say that about your dad. I feel if I didn’t have my kids I probably would t speak up about it but being a mum now and wanting to protect my children I would do anything for them to keep them safe. Yeah she’s always up in her room or out with her friends and funnily enough is never around on her birthday and I’ve seen him tease in a “playful” way that most dads would do to annoy their kids and she’d slapped him and told him to get off I may be overthinking it but the only interactions I see between my sister and him are of similar things like that so it does make me think and I dread to think of it did happen to her and what did happen to her as she’s my little sister even though she’s 24 I still see her as my 12 year old sister and always will do.
He should never ever be around your daughter. I would tell your mother if she doesn’t believe you then she should be out of your life and your daughters life because you and your daughter are not safe being around that man and that gets him out of your life and if she does believe you then it would get him out of your life because she would drop him to the curb.
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@Christina I just have no clue how to come out and say it to my mum. I mean there’s never a right time to say it to her. I’ve always not agreed with the stuff my dad has said or done about my parenting and been close to cutting him out completely because of it and the only reason I haven’t is because of my mum. I honestly don’t know what I’d do without my mum which is what’s making it harder. I mean I know I’d kick my partner to the curb if my children came and told me that there wouldn’t even be a second thought.
You did not ‘allow’ it in anyway, of course you didn’t know it was wrong, someone who you loved and cared for took advantage of you and groomed you. It is not your fault. We can’t promise that your mum will understand, even though of course she should, but you are in no way wrong for speaking up about what happened to you to prevent further victims.
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@Lara I feel like at the age of 15 I should’ve known it was wrong and stopped it. I wish you could all promise my mum will be there but I feel she won’t. That’s the reason why I’m now speaking about it because I don’t want anyone else to have to suffer like I am and have been suffering
Yeah even my "dad" didn't believe me. His older brother and I told him first. We ended our relationship that day too. There were rumours in the family he did stuff to other nieces sooo... I have no relationship with him either. I'm fine with it. Rather solo than have 'family' like that near me etc. Yeah it sounds like she was. I'd talk to her and chances are you guys may get very close. She may feel alone and stuff too. I know I asked my brothers as they grew if anything weird was done to them.
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@Priscilla that’s wrong he didn’t believe you. I feel no one believes you when this sort of stuff happens. That was very brave of you two. Oh no that’s dreadful. That makes those rumours more than likely true which is disgusting. Yeah I wouldn’t you definitely done the right thing. That is so true I was just about to say how can you do it solo but yeah you don’t need people like that around at all. Yeah I do want to talk to her about it. I’ve always thought and felt he’s done stuff to her aswell it’ll probably bring us close I’m hoping I do miss having my sister around. I feel like asking her at the age she’s at she’ll either say no even if something did if she doesn’t want to talk about it then later come to me and say or she’ll no because something didn’t happen but I know she will talk to me especially if it did happen to her as we can relate.
Thankfully not.
Whether you decide to report it or not, you need to speak up and never ever let your children around him. Protect children and speak out to help them. I guarantee you’re not the only one he’s done this too and as you’ve kept it quiet he will only become more confident in not getting caught. He will definitely do it to your children if he finds opportunity, you are not a threat to him
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@Simone I just don’t know who to tell about it as still unsure whether to report it as don’t want to go to health visitor or therapist and they report it to the police and don’t want to tell my mum incase she disowns me. I don’t trust him with my children alone at all
15 is still a child. Remember that. Be kind to yourself.
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@Lara yeah I just feel like 15 year olds these days are so not like how I was when I was 15 so should’ve known
Oh i am so sorry this has happened to you 😢it sounds very awful! It was not your fault! You were a child and you have been groomed. I would definitely sit down and tell her about it all. I would also report it to the police because if your mum is planning to do childminding then these children are also at high risk! Under no circumstances would I recommend leaving your LO alone at their home even if he is at “work”. He might come home earlier and you wouldn’t know? He might plan to go home earlier and start grooming your child god forbid. So many possibilities for him as noone is watching him! Please please do report him to stop any further harm to anyone else. I am so sorry
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@Fatma it was very bad I just feel at 15 I should’ve stopped it. Oh I didn’t even think about those children being at risk I instantly thought my mum wouldn’t be able to do it if I’d report it and they still stayed together. Yeah that’s true my mum wouldn’t tell me if he’s come home from work early as she wouldn’t need to in her eyes. Oh honestly the second he picks her up playing “monsters” with her and my brother (I’m there) I feel so uneasy with him picking her up.
You should grant yourself the same care and protection as you want for your children. That man being in your life must be very difficult and especially now you have kids. I think speaking to your sister will help, it’s likely the same thing happened but if it didn’t she may have had more sense of what he was doing than you realise. I would hope she is supportive and then helps you take the next step. Whether that’s telling your mum or protecting other family members etc. I can’t say what I would do because it’s not me and I haven’t been in this situation, however you clearly want to protect your children no matter what. In my opinion it would be safer to make it known what that man did to you than if you didn’t. One day he may be around when you’re not and if your mum trusted him enough around you growing up she isn’t going to think twice about popping out to the shops and leaving your children with him. I’m so sorry this happened, please take care of yourself x
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@Rosie I’ve always had the mind set that I’ll put myself in danger as long as it keeps these 2 safe. It is extremely hard as I find it hard setting boundaries with him. Yeah I’m hoping she was stronger than me at the time. Oh honestly I would do anything for my children. Yeah I do feel she will leave her at times with him. When I gave birth to my son she came up the hospital with me and dropped me and my aunt off and she left my brother and daughter with him and she said she got back and they were cuddling on the sofa under a blanket. Ngl I cuddle under the blanket with my daughter every now and then watching films etc but I’d never even think of anything like that from me but that made me feel uneasy. X
Might be worth writing it in a letter to her and opening the door if you're unsure how to start the convo. Just make sure you tell her you will always believe her and are there to listen and she's not alone as you were hurt too. Hugs! Hope this goes ok for you and if not, remember you have done the best you can for you and your child. And that is what matters now as a mom + adult xxxx
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@Priscilla that’s true. I don’t want her feeling alone as it does really suck having to hold it in. I’ve only bought it up now as I just can’t hold it in anymore. That’s true. Thank you so much xxx
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I was sexually abused by my step dad from the age of 6 - 16. In my head my mum was in love with him and I didn't want to break her heart. At 15 I found out that he had attempted to abuse my elder sister (7.5 years between us). No one told me. If someone had told me when I was younger, I often wonder whether I would have reached out about it. Now he became emotionally and mentally abusive against my mum as I got older and my sisters and I manged to convince her to leave him. The day of leaving, we had a heart to heart and I sent her text while facing her telling her what had happened. She was so distraught I hadn't told her and felt like she hadn't protected me. I made her promise me she wouldn't tell my siblings and start a fresh life. She promised. However she got very drunk one night and told them. So they got the police involved etc. Which as a 16 year old who had kept it a secret for so long, this was extremely difficult for me. I spoke to the police, but didn't push it because I wasn't in the right head
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@Jess I’m so sorry you went through that that’s dreadful. That’s dreadful he tried to with your sister. I’m so sorry he was like that with your mum but I’m glad she was able to leave and she was there for you after you’d told her. Yeah that’s a lot to deal with at 16 even if you was in the right head space for it. I feel like trying to prove it is what’s going to be difficult if I did report it as he won’t admit it obviously and it’ll be my word against his. I’m sorry that did happen in the end. I don’t really want my parents having my daughter there as it does make me on edge but then never want to say no to my mum and tell her the reason as to why I’m saying no. Thank you I’m already going through therapy for ptsd from abuse from my ex and now asking to get the therapy extended because of everything going on as I only have 1 session left and that’s definitely not enough to deal with all of it. Thank you so much xx
Space to deal with it. My life had been turned completely upside down. He was put on the sex offenders list. My mum did confront him. His own mother told him she believed me over him and his health deterioted and is no longer around. So although a different ending, I do understand. But if they were still together today, there is no way I would put my child in that situation with even the possibility of him being able to touch her or him. It's easier said than done, but you should tell your mum. Stop taking your daughter there. But you also need to get some support to deal with this trauma. I've had so much support, I've been lucky. But you need to put you and your daughter first before anyone. It's OK. If you ever want to talk, drop me a message. You can do this xx
I am sorry to break it to you but he might already be grooming or abusing your LO. I agree with the above commentator. You need to act ASAP if you don’t want the same happening to your child and potential other children. It’s sickening.
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@Fatma yeah I don’t want to think he is but looking back there has been numerous times he would’ve been left with just her and my brother so it does make me feel sick and an awful feeling in my stomach. Thankfully they’re on holiday this week so having no contact this week and have that excuse. I’m just going to avoid going there when my dad is there x
Please please please get the police involved and never leave your child there again 😢this is horrible
@avery I’ve always asked my mum to watch my disgusted for me at times if I’ve had to go court hearings etc and she’ll pick her up from nursery (she’s left now until she starts school on a couple of months) but I’ve always got back before he came home from work but it makes me so nervous leaving her there when I know he’s going to be there