Anyone been through this and actually survived?

I was raped by my cousin. We were both drunk, but I’m a lightweight and I got drunk very quickly. My mum recalls me being super drunk before we went to hers, I had two beers plus one JD and coke. We went to hers and I was on call to my bf for an hour, in that hour my cousin gave me a JD and coke. I didn’t see him pour it. I drank that whilst on call and after that I remember stumbling and not being able to walk properly. I remember bits and pieces from the night but not everything. Sometimes random things pop up in my head now that I didn’t remember previously. He kept getting me to drink and even made it like a competition to see who can get the most drunk. I remember going to the toilet to throw up, when I came in I noticed my drink that was mostly full, was now not dark but it looked like it had been diluted with something. When I questioned why he had touched my drink he said he watered it down so I didn’t get too drunk. I trusted him and drank like half of it right away because I was just thirsty from throwing up. And the rest of it is mostly a blur. I get images pop up. I remember he kept telling me I was falling asleep and I was telling him to let me as he kept waking me up. Then it’s all like jumbled. I don’t know if some of it was real but I just feel so disgusted. I remember waking up early hours and he had disappeared and left me a text on my phone saying “don’t worry I’ve left” or something like that. Apparently he got the train back to where he lives and he also messaged my sister(working out the time on her phone)it was early hours of the morning but I can’t remember the exact time. He text her saying “something happened between me and___. It was consensual”. Now what the detective told me was he washed up a glass. I told them I remember I spilt some JD and coke on the ottaman my mum had. It popped out of nowhere this memory when he mentioned the glass. And my mum said nothing was on the ottoman, it wasn’t sticky or anything. I tried asking what glass he washed up but my mum had forgotten so even the detective on my case couldn’t figure it out. I figure it was mine. Which also leads me on to this. My sister encouraged me to get a blood test before going to the police after what happened, she thought that if I’d have been drugged then I need to find out right away. My cousin earlier in the day at my nans was bragging about all the drugs he can get and said he had some on him. It was the day after this happened to me I finally caved and told my sister and my dad. Because I didn’t understand what had happened to me. I got refused blood test by doctors who said I had to go to A&E. I had to say everything again and then the nurse in A&E said they couldn’t do a blood test either. So then I was told I need to call the police and say what happened to me. Which I did. Police took hours to arrive, they finally got to the doctors at 2am to which they wanted to test my urine as they had this alcohol urine test thing. They got me to drink tons of water as I wasn’t able to pee as I hadn’t drank anything. They never told me what the result was or how drunk I was. They were trying to basically see how much alcohol was left in me and trace it back to the amount I would have had in my system at the time I was raped. I went for exams and everything. It ended up being like 6am I arrived home and I slept for nearly 2 weeks straight. Only got up to eat. I was extremely numb and I just wanted to understand. My mum offered getting me someone who could “unlock” my memories. I refused it because I didn’t want to know what else might have happened. I already have still the same images that run through my head and it makes me want to die. I can’t sleep ever. My thoughts are always racing and I’m paranoid. I can’t even go to his home town which is quite large but even the name of that still sends shivers through me. I feel like an idiot now because well truthfully would unlocking my memories actually help me? I battle with my choices all the time. My whole family has fallen apart and on top of it my cousin’s mum went around the family saying things the police had allegedly said(which they aren’t allowed to at a risk of losing their job. Even the police woman who interviewed me told me that). My mum also works with police and got their advice and he said to get their names and he will report them because they can’t say that stuff. They can’t say anything about our statements or give an opinion to either of us or our families. My uncle even doesn’t believe her. I’m relieved to know I have some people here for me. But they all treat me like I’m going to explode. I hate being around them. I hate what people have said about me yet here I sat through all of it, hearing these things said, hearing my own sister talk to my mum behind my back, her saying she’s not taking sides yet she has. She’s not supported me once through it. And I say nothing. To no one. I’ve wanted to. But what good will that even do? I’ve thought about unblocking my sister and telling her everything cruel she has said and done about it. She expects me to be okay with her being in the same room as my rapist. How does one even accept that? I feel like everything that was done to me is still being done to me. People keep taking and I’m so tired. I’m so done with life. I have only 2 reasons to stay. It’s for my mum and little sister who are going through extremely hard times and my little family I have. I’m ashamed to admit I want to die sometimes, I don’t know if it’s just flashing thoughts or if it’s buried down. I believe I couldn’t leave them. I just hate it. I can’t escape it. It’s always going to be stuck to me. I hate most of my family but I can’t tell them that. I tried therapy for my anxiety but I’m scared to talk about this. This is my first time actually talking freely about it without feeling like I had to or well a lot of people just don’t wanna know what happened to me. At least my story. I don’t know what to do.