Is it normal to get asked to bring food every time your parents or in laws host dinner (or any other family member who regularly invites you over for dinner) // AITA?

The only time I’ll be asked to bring something is Christmas/New Year or maybe a birthday. I’ve never been asked to bring something every single time.

In my upbringing this is expected and considered rude not to contribute. Maybe it's a cultural thing but if we get invited anywhere I always ask what we can bring or contribute or make suggestions of what we can bring

If think it’s rude to ask people to bring things to you to cook. However it is considered rude to not bring something or ask if there is anything that person needs. Lol Either way that is a lot of people to cook for so I under it being a potluck kinda deal but also I agree if you host and invite you are the one providing the meal that’s how it’s done. Idk you win and loose in this situation.

Maybe before she assigns stuff for you to bring you could beat her to the punch and when she makes the plans, say something like “great! I’ll be happy to provide refreshments and a side salad” or dessert or whatever you can contribute haha. Since you’re traveling over an hour to get there I think that’s a little unreasonable to be expected to bring more than that. Although with young kids I also always pack snacks, fruit and a safe food in case there’s nothing for them to eat that they like but that’s just so I don’t put someone out by making them feel unprepared for hosting my kids

You are describing a potluck. It is common to do that for some people. Not everyone is a fan of potlucks for different reasons, but I wouldn't try to make the host change the way they are used to organise their gatherings. Usually people resource to potlucks to lessen the load of food preparation and make sure there is at least something everyone likes. An option would be to bring something simple; bring the ingredients to prepare it there with them; hire someone else to make it for you; or offer her to contribute with money instead.

@Elysha agreed! I think it’s the way it’s asked that rubs me the wrong way. The “let me know what you can bring” is always included in the same text message as the official invitation so I don’t get the chance to just ask politely if I can bring anything, it’s just already assumed? I think too if you are going to host, you bear the responsibility of preparing the meal itself, and if you take people up on their offer to bring something, it’s “extras” only (wine, loaf of bread, an appetizer). assigning the specific components of the meal to the guests is odd lol.

@Autumn that’s a good idea, I never think to ask when the plan is first brought up though because the very first time it is mentioned, it’s usually only a loose, tentative plan far in the future that i vaguely agree to because I don’t typically make any other plans weeks ahead. Then the “official” invitation gets sent out via text a few days before, and in that same text, it’s “let me know what you can bring, I need a side veg or this this or that” for example lol

@𝔾𝕚𝕤𝕖𝕝𝕝𝕖 it is sort of a potluck, but sort of not (unless I have the definition wrong) since it is my understanding that if you are having a potluck, you let everyone know it’s a potluck and let everyone more or less decide what to contribute. My mom has a loose list of menu items and lists them in the text with the invitation, and asks who can bring what. For example, if my parents have us all over for a cookout in the summer, she will say “dad’s grilling chicken, we need beans, pasta salad, an appetizer, etc, let me know what everyone’s bringing”

I’d honestly just say “Can’t wait, unfortunately we are unable to contribute to the meal this time.” If it’s a holiday or special occasion I’d definitely find it appropriate, but with our family often it’s “What can I bring/do you need us to bring anything?” Not the other way around. Very strange to invite and host but expect it potluck style. If she does it again I’d be tempted to respond “is this a potluck or a family dinner?” She’s your mom? Girl call her out! Idc who it is, if it’s peeving me I’ll say something. Worst they’ll do is talk shit about you after dinners over 😂

At this point if it is a regular thing for her just ASSUME every dinner is a potluck. Otherwise you’re choosing to be annoyed. And she doesn’t know you feel this way? Not on her honestly, you have to be up front.

@Anna I actually did say something to her about 2 years ago when I was pregnant with my younger son and hormonal af 😂 I called her out on it and she was completely offended and cried and acted like what she was doing was not out of the ordinary and everyone does that.

Oh man 😅 welp

@Anna no one in my family took my side so I felt weird about it and it’s been a taboo topic ever since. She continues to do it every time she hosts but makes sure to let me know I have an out. Awk

Idk in my culture my mom would just cook everything. But I can see how that can be stressing for one person. It would be nice if at least some of the time she would do the rest. But also consider that if u decide to just bring juices let’s say ur siblings are taking up more load and they are just as tired. Why don’t you guys do a raffle ? And every other time someone gets to come without contributing ? Ur def not AITA. It’s reasonable for u to feel this way but I would also probably just continue to do it. It’s a great opportunity for family to come together and u will appreciate that more in the long run the time spent together then the inconvenience of bringing a meal

Potlucks usually involve you determining what you can like to make to bring, not so much being assigned it. It probably feels overbearing and overdone. Any luck shifting locations sometimes, and maybe taking turns on the hosting, if her anti-groceries statement isn’t absolving itself anytime soon?

@Jess exactly! The assigning specific foods is what gets me. Like, so the menu was pre-conceived but you’re depending on the guests to make it happen? It’s just so tacky. Regarding us hosting, it’s possible but it would be rare since we are the odd ones out and live on the other side of the state as all the rest of my fam.

😊 On the bright side, then, that’s maybe the easiest aspect to negotiate. Maybe introduce a survey about the foods each can write-in interest in bringing, with the angle that the gatherings have been such a hit, people want to stretch more of their palettes - or miss a favorite they’d rather put the time into making and enjoying - or have been itching to try making something seen in XYZ. Then give a moment when people can mention any aversions or difficulties with any main items, but outside those considerations, people are contributing stuff they are most looking forward to?