How can I get my three year old to stop being mean to his sister and telling us no on everything?

I sadly don’t have advice but I’m here to say my 3 yr old is doing that too so you’re not alone. We have talked to her about when it’s ok to yell “no” at an adult and when it’s not ok. She’s also started hitting us again which is fun. And she is also being super mean to her little sister 🤦🏻‍♀️ My SIL said her oldest tried to hurt his little sister every day there for awhile and he grew out of it and now they’re bffs so I’m holding onto hope mine grows out of it as well. That being said we also talk about consequences and do break time, time out, or have some type of consequence when she is mean or does something like tell us to go away. I can’t say that it’s doing much and some days I feel like it’s an all day struggle but I at least feel like I’m trying to teach her right from wrong and hopefully one day it will sink in. You’re not a failure and I’m sorry you’re feeling that way.

My go to is always those natural consequences. I know it sounds kinda laughable, trust me, my family does it’s best not to laugh within earshot at the sheer backward nature of it, but our 3yo gets it in his mind to bully his older brother, my kids are gapped 12yrs. I have a house rule that covers this issue though, we are not under any obligation to allow anyone to be mean to us, whether it’s an adult, a child, a senior citizen, a stranger or future partner, even I don’t have to allow my kids to mistreat me, I’m allowed to walk away and I show my kids how that is done, each and every single time my 3yo decides to get too rough with me or is playing disrespectfully, I respectfully remove myself and tell him that I’m under no obligation to play with him, I’m obligated to meet needs. Your baby can’t remove themselves like we can so that’ll be your job to make sure those natural consequences occur. Takes time but it’s very affective.

@Christina what if it turns out the the 3yr old doesn't like the 1yr old so being mean is his way of getting the adult to remove the 1yr old? Like if you noticed that that was happening how would you deal with the situation? Genuinely curious, I'm slowly learning about natural consequence

In that case I would find it necessary to give each individual child their own personal space, with their own set of toys they don’t have to worry about sharing and keep one play area for community play/toys, if they are already in daycare then they already have this, and they aren’t usually forced to play with children they don’t want to, at home it’s likely temporary and you’ll find that the kids reach their sharing milestones on their own terms w/o any pressure from parents, allowing them to seek comfort in each other when they don’t get their way with parents is also a very good way to produce sibling bonds. It’s also very important to remember that not all siblings mesh, too many assume they have provided a built in BF, which just isn’t always true, my teen seen this 1st hand & didn’t want a sibling as a result, I had to allow him to make the 1st move in their relationship, plus stressful social interactions exhausted him, me to, so I made sure that didn’t end at home.

Just a bit of inspo here, I owned & operated a daycare for 1.5-3yo bf I left my ex & had to close. This age group already has its own unique social dynamics that kinda mimics our own in a work setting. I set up pods, just as I do now, which helps tremendously, plus they each had their own cubby w/art supplies & folders for their artwork. A couple of them had lovey toys, including my own son, the kids who had them would actually get upset when one who didn’t took another child’s & claimed “share”. I went through the extra stuffed toys my own son didn’t care about & let each child pick one toy they didn’t have to share, kinda like us having a purse or car. They didn’t just quit “stealing” toys, they’d help each other keep ahold of them or put in their safe space for them, it was a great lesson in respecting each other & it flowed into everything they did, all I did was equal the playing field, they did the rest.