in First Time Mom Transitioning to being a Single Mom

First time mom, 37, husband had affair and now we're getting divorced

I found out at Christmas that my husband had been having an affair for 3 months. He started it while our son was 8 months old. We moved to his hometown for his job and to be near his family since mine is spread all over and we actually had to move in with his parents. After 5 months he started an affair with someone going through a separation and 11 years younger than him. I found out 12/27 after he had dropped the 'everything is wrong with our marriage and it's all your fault. And no I won't go to counseling' bomb without warning. A week later found out about the affair. A month later he says he wants a divorce and that they're in love. And now I'm here, states away from my family, lived here less than a year, working full time, running into his gf and him everywhere, and single moming it on my days. We are now working through the divorce, but I feel so lonely, and I don't have any community here. Our boy is the most wonderful person on the planet and I'm so grateful for him. But this isn't what I signed up for. And now I'm here with no support system in his hometown and his family here and none of my own. I'm so lonely and this is so hard. And he judges me every chance he gets while not communicating, bullying me into plans and schedules, limiting my access to our son on his days, and is so angry at me as if I'm the one that wronged him. It's so hard here. Any recommendations?

Show your support

Why are you staying there? I know it’s easier said than done but you need a support system and it sound like you have little supportive community where you are. You owe him nothing following this betrayal. I’m sorry you’re going through this and wish you the best!

Yes, why are you still in that home town of his? Get out and move to be closer to your friends and family!

LEAVE PLEASE ❤️

I kicked him out and he's living with his parents

But I also can't leave the state. With divorce law in IL you can't leave the state legally unless the coparent agrees to it and there's no way around it unless there was child abuse. So yes, not living with him, but I actually have to stay in this area.

@Rebecca can you ask him to agree to you leaving the state and if he says no, you won’t go through with the divorce?

He wants 50/50 time with our son, and is using that as his bargaining chip for other things (like splitting our dog's vet bill). I've floated the idea and he said that it's kidnapping. I haven't formally asked because I know his only answer will be no, unfortunately. Like, I really, really know it. And... At this point, I want out of the marriage and to get him out of my life as much as possible. Right now I have to share our son 50/50 which isn't great because of how much he keeps lying to me and keeping information about our son from me and using our son to bully and control me. I need out. I need to cut ties. The longer I'm stuck in this, I am also financially dependent upon him and he can pull those finances at any time while we're technically married. Divorced, I would be able to apply to WIC and food stamps and get child support, etc. Unless there's something I'm not seeing here by staying? Maybe I'm missing something?

I am in the middle of going through a divorce too because of my ex cheating - fastest thing is to get legally separated - you can do that while getting a divorce. Also if you have a lawyer - they probably can file a temporary motion for who get the child mainly during the divorce. I don’t want to judge or anything like but it also sounds like psychological abuse as well and most courts take that seriously. Also you should be able to take your son to visit your family as long as you have a return date while the divorce- you should talk to you lawyer about that. Also call WIC and food stamps they’ll work with you - you can claim that your single and tell them your going through a divorce that’s what I did and I got approved. Hope this helps.

Also depending too your lawyer can file temporary child support through the divorce - and then make it official when your actually divorce

Wow thank you!! So helpful!!