Why are MILs so infuriating!!!

For context my husband and I are in our 30s and have been together 15+ years. I’ve always struggled with his mother’s behaviour but have always bit my tongue out of respect for him. Since having our baby her behaviour has ramped up always snidely little put downs, being called stupid or silly when it comes to my parenting techniques, dismissive comments, continues to smoke around our baby or sneakily in the kitchen where his pram is despite explicitly expressing our concerns numerous times …she’s put a chunky musical ornament above his head in his pram and persisted to excessively rock it, shoved my hand off his car seat to aggressively rock it with the remark “I’m much more rough than you are”, has made comments about our newborn crying referring to him as “it” and how our dog is her favourite grandchild. Fortunately we’ve always been there to Intercept and no real harm has been caused, but I have explicitly told my husband that she will never be left unsupervised with our boy. She’s told me multiple times recently that when her husband passes the expectation is for the 3 of us to move in with her (which I have flat out refused, these aren’t my husbands wishes either). I’ve reached the point where I have had enough and don’t want to visit them to just be disrespected but unsure how best to handle it without escalating the situation, my husband recognises her behaviour and supports me but refuses to address it as it will “just escalate her behaviour and she will just double down” I have a huge family where we’ve always been open and supportive and I would never tolerate this behaviour from them (primarily as they never would) but my partner is an only child and only has his two parents as family, I would hate to cause a rift between them especially as they are in their 70s and require a good amount of support from us, but I’m finding it so difficult to visit their home and continue to put our 4 month old in a toxic environment. I feel unless she is challenged and clear boundaries are drawn it won’t change but I don’t want to go against my husband’s wishes. Am I out of order for limiting contact with me and my son? Should I just swallow my pride and let it go? any advice on how best to handle this would be greatly appreciated. Apologise for the ranty long post 🙈

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I understand your point of not wanting to cause a rift between your husband and his family but at some point you have to do what’s best for your baby. You’ve been patient enough. You’ve been respectful enough. You’re not being prideful, you’re being a mama and protecting your baby. Do what you feel is necessary.

Was she also just… this way, before the baby? Like comments towards you? After the dog comment, I would’ve come back with “awesome, well that’s the only grandchild you’ll be taking care of and seeing then” because that’s just mean. She shouldn’t be rough with your baby. I had to put my foot down because my MIL kept saying “oh I had 2, you don’t need to tell me what to do!” Yet would pick up our 3mnth old without supporting his head. And couldn’t seem to adjust holding him without almost dropping him. My in laws are also older. I tried reminding her that hey, you may have done this, but it was 30+ years ago. And if she’s the type to get worse when called out, limiting contact is better because maybe she’ll react better to being ignored.

@Alexis she had moments of being nice and then she’s super spiteful again. She’s very passive aggressive with it. I had horrible PPD with my son and she was vile with me over it. Mines the exact same, “don’t be so stupid, I did this with mine 35 years ago” 🤦🏻‍♀️ I wonder if it’s a generational thing! It’s like they just don’t want to listen, did things get better for you after putting your foot down? I’m thinking less frequent visits and create a little distance, but then she sulks and kicks off because my mums super hands on and will be having him 2 days a week whilst I work x

@Kimeka thank you sweet, you are right! x

She got … a little touchy when I did it, but she understood. I also think my FIL who is an angel, said something because he saw her almost drop him twice. And even said “woah!” Out loud one of the times. I don’t get help from my mother really so, idk if maybe she’s jealous?