Pregnancy rant about this

I'm freaking out, I'm scared to death about having this baby, about going into labor and everything that comes after it. I don't want to do it why can't I smoke pot or take drugs that'll relax me during labor. I'm scared to death about going to the doctors office I just don't want everybody touching me and then taking my baby away after to clean her and everything. I wanna just give birth at home. But it's so risky. I wish I never got pregnant in the first place. Idk how to deal with everything, I'm overwhelmed I'm scared I feel like I'm alone in this because my bf doesn't know what to do. I feel embarrassed to make any noises, cry, or even speak. I feel like a tool that the doctors don't care about they just want to make a paycheck. I wish I never got pregnant I'm hating every single step of this. Esp because I'm alone through it all.