Rule List - to send or not to send?

I’m all for sending out lists and setting boundaries, but I think you could limit this as some of the examples are really specific. You’ve said at the beginning that it’s not directed at anyone, but then the detail in this the list will probably make people feel targeted. Don’t get me wrong, it’s all disgusting and I agree that they should absolutely not do it.

For example, the last 5 points could be summarised as: ‘Please do not give our daughter ANY food or drink without our permission’. And for me, it’s just no kissing the baby full stop. Anywhere! Only mum and dad can kiss baby.

Send it!

You could generalise some of the top ones, so something like: ‘Although you will have washed your hands, please be mindful of touching your mouth, nose and face when holding the baby as this defeats the object of washing your hands to begin with.’ I can’t get over ‘Do not do a poo and put unwashed fingers in their mouth’… who the fuck did that?? 🤢 You’d hope if they’re washing their hands before holding the baby, this wouldn’t happen, but ewww!

Im all for you sending it. I think my husband would feel the same as yours, because he felt the same way about us discussing boundaries with our families before the birth of our son. But people didn’t follow things I thought were basic and were offended when I said “please don’t kiss our baby” or “we haven’t fed him solids yet and we want to be the first to do that as his parents”. Some of these are super gross though. Especially the unwashed hands after pooping and picking their noses. But I will say, people never cease to surprise me

Im with Zara. Summarise. Do not kiss baby Wash hands before holding baby and after toilet or going outside Do not feed baby I think a shorter more concise list would prevent people from feeling targeted. As they probably would never admit to having done these things. This list should also be sent to your family to remove the issue that it one rule for one and one rule for the other. Even if your family follow the rules. However you’re well within your rights to send a list or place rules.

I think send it, but I think the washing your hands one already includes things like after a poo & blowing your nose etc, and it seems a bit extreme to list all of those as separate examples. Other than that I think it’s great and definitely you should send it xx

@kat I agree with your modifications, and I’m 100% team Do Not Kiss Baby

The thing is, we already had a no kissing baby rule and it was never respected, no matter how many times we asked. In the end we allowed it. That’s why I have been specific about when and where they can be kissed. After they kissed my son so many times after being told not to, I said ok but please never on the lips though - it was still ignored and they do it to this day despite having asked them so many times, so we have now said if they won’t listen maybe we will shorten it to “no kissing on lips if you suffer from cold sores”. I know some of them seem targeted, but I do feel like im dealing with people who do not understand that ‘do not put fingers in our kids mouths’ and think it actually means not to just do it randomly, but they can do it if they have food on their fingers or if they’re washed their hands. Does that make sense, that’s what they are like. I definitely think I will summarise them though as I don’t want anybody to feel targeted.

I’m just sorry you’re dealing with people like this. Honestly, if they didn’t respect your boundaries the first time, it’s unlikely they will this time. Do you think sending out the specific ones will just make them do it more because they know it gets to you? I know so many people who are arseholes like this. It seems like you’re going to have to have awkward conversations as it is, whether you send a list out or not 😩 I really feel for you. I have had to deal with similar. My husband’s nan randomly put her finger in my baby’s mouth when I was holding her, and then had the cheek to say ‘I’ll go wash my hands’ like MY child was dirty and not her yucky hands 🤮

@Zara my dad never washes his hands after using the toilet and once he came out the toilet and announced he did a poo - the water wasn’t working in that bathroom at the time so you had to come out and use the kitchen sink to wash you hands. He walked straight over to take my son and I said “oh sorry dad but you haven’t washed your hands after doing a poo?” He said “oh ffs get a grip”. Then within a second of me walking out the room to get something I come in and my dad was giving my son jam off his finger. I said “dad what are you doing, not only has my son not eaten anything like that yet you haven’t washed your hands!?” He said “so fucking what”. I asked if he could not feed him again or put fingers in his mouth… but unfortunately this was just the start of it.

Oh my god! I have no words 😶 I feel like the only way to teach people here is to not let them see your children until they understand and respect your boundaries. I mean, it’s not like you’re asking for a lot? BASIC hygiene 😩

That’s grim, I would just not let your dad touch the next baby at all in that case

It’s crazy to have to make a list when these rules should be common sense especially with adults.

I can see this causing nothing but problems personally. If you’re looking for a massive fall out then this could be it 😬

Brilliant, you have to live with the consequences of baby gets sick.

I would make it shorter if you are going to do it and not go into detail. I doubt your father is going to read it though. It might make more sense when they arrive to see baby just say if you want a cuddle we need you to wash or sanitise your hands first and no kissing.

Keep hand gel on you and ask people to use it before holding baby

@Laura 🌻 what would you say then, Laura? If you repeatedly had to ask people not to do these things, and they rolled their eyes at you, told you to fuck off, told to get a grip, tutted, ignored, and did it anyway?

@kat we’ve had a falling out before because I started to do things like what you’ve said. We didn’t speak to his parents for 4 months because of some things they did. I don’t want to go back to that place again so that’s why I want to lay out the rules this way.

@Tinashe same here! Now I’m pregnant again and due soon I’m not a timid new mum anymore 😂 xx

Well, if they are the type of people who behave like this they won’t pay any attention to a list of rules as they clearly don’t live by any anyway! That being said I wouldn’t entertain them and keep my distance.

These are absolutely fine rules to have. They're not even rules they're boundaries. Add "if these boundaries are broken, I will be taking my baby back" They need to understand that it's serious

Also baby wearing is great and you can always say no to someone holding your baby.

Send it!

Yeah you’ve already said - don’t put fingers in mouths So specifying people who poo and don’t wash their hands or pick their nose or whatever is just a waste of a point 🤷🏻‍♀️

I agree with this list! People are very very irresponsible and a bit silly. I personally will not be allowing lots of people to hold my baby. Only my partner and my mum, everyone else can look and observe. My baby is coming before Xmas and this means dirty cold hands - I don’t think so! You are doing the right thing. If you chose to send the list fine but o wouldn’t even waste time with a list, I’d just tell them to their face - hands off!

@Carla I think I put specific things down out of pure disgust, and so that they could understand why the no sticking fingers in mouths rule is there.

@jenny I love that, wish I could be this confident 😂 x

I am literally gagging reading these things. FULL SEND!

@Charlie add to that point that you take baby back and they are no longer allowed to hold them for that visit. Or worse if it continues.

If they have disrespected your wishes the first time then I would absolutely send that out! They should have respected you in the first place! I say go for it xx

When I was pregnant with my first I had lots of rules and I put them of my birth plan and gave everyone one they. I was so anxious I needed one gave the rules out there.

@Sara have you missed to comments where OP has said she had these conversations in person and was completely ignored by her. In-laws and dad? Where she directly asked her dad to please wash his hands after pooing and he said no then fed the kid jam off his poo germ hands? She had tried your way, she has tried the “normal” way this is her last attempt at getting them to follow her rules.

@Sara this is her last ditch effort for them to have a relationship with her children. That’s not passive aggressive or patronizing. It’s putting her boundaries for her children’s health and welfare in plain view so that no one can say they didn’t know. This is what is recommended by therapists now so I’ll be going by that.

@Sara something being passive aggressive is a thing that can be defined, so it’s not an opinion based thing. I was raised to respect elders, but I was also raised to respect people in general. Just because someone is older doesn’t mean they can do whatever they want with my child. For instance, if I found out someone was trying to discipline my child without me there, that is a boundary, what you call “rule”, that has been crossed. If it has not been spoken about beforehand, then a conversation would be had. If I had made it clear before the situation that I am parent and will be doing the discipline, then they would be cut off. But a notice of the boundary has to be provided for people to know.

@SaraRespecting your elders is a social construct to discourage younger generations from questioning or standing their ground against them. These aren’t boundaries, they are rules. a boundary is for yourself and rule is for someone else and these rules are being repeatedly broken. I will not allow anyone to disrespect my parenting on the basis that they are my elder or they have raised children and they turned out fine. 🤷🏻‍♀️.

I just find it mad you have to share this list with a bunch of grown adults how do they not know 😭 I would personally just speak to them in person and voice it rather than send out a list as they will take offence

@Sophie that would be easier, but with the written, they can’t say the didn’t get told or didn’t understand. My husband’s family would try to pull that.

@Sara have you read my previous comments? I asked them in a respectful way MULTIPLE times, we also cut them out for 4 months because they still didn’t listen to us. So now what do you suggest after he done everything you’ve said? My partner is against it because he has issues putting boundaries in with his parents. If he’s unable to work as a team with me unfortunately I’ll have to do it myself. These rules are the last resort. I shouldn’t even have to send this! Count yourself lucky that you don’t have to be in this situation.

Okay, I think Sara has taken enough of a beating in the comments ladies. Let’s all be nice and remember this was a question and everyone has the right to answer their own option. Be kind to one another 🫶🏼

@Laura 🌻 not sure she has taken a beating, people are just putting her straight. Everybody is still remaining kind. We also have the right to answer with our own opinion 🫶🏻

@Sara not really I asked a family friend and all my relatives to not be near my child if they are sick or been near someone sick one of them came over I didn’t know they was near someone who was sick they gave my child bronchitis and she nearly died so no this woman isn’t being passive aggressive she’s trying to prevent her child from being constantly ill while they have a weak immune system that can’t kill off the germs that are being spread or the illness that they might catch from these family members being dirty because they are too lazy to wash their hands after going the toilet or putting them in places that’s disgusting so if you want your child sick all the time cause you don’t wanna upset family or whatever then go for it because I’ve had my child ill enough cause people didn’t listen to me and she’s not even 1 yet so please don’t be rude about her rules for her child’s safety

@Sara also bringing up this is just gaslighting. She didn’t even mention anything about bad illness or death so your just making yourself look bad by using it. I wouldn’t ever use my nan death or my uncle having cancer or even my great uncle/uncle who has blocked artery and copd against anyone to be right and use it it’s only backlashing yourself no offence

@Jaymee that’s what I was thinking cause my aunties Arabic husband constantly drops his kids to go see his parents for months on end so sounds like an explanation for why she’s acting that way

@Sara her situation is completely different to yours yet you bring up something that’s completely irrelevant to what she said, hers is about her In laws and dad causing her first child being sick and not wanting her second sick like the previous child and you bring up death and cancer like it’s meant to make you seem like you have it harder it isn’t a competition nor should you just throw the word death and cancer out their I never used any of it I said I wouldn’t use my family’s death or illness as I used above as examples to win a convo it’s just wrong and you know it

@Jaymee yeah I get what you really mean, my aunties Arabic husband goes to his country for months leaving his kids in our country and barely being in their lives like his parents are more important and the kids are irrelevant it’s horrible

@Jaymee obviously or she realised karma hit her hard for the bs she was spouting and realised her wrongs was gonna make her right and she didn’t like it so she made a run.

@Alana I think if they are the type of people to do anything on that list they’re also the type of people who won’t respect it if it’s written

@Sophie true, but if they try to threaten with “grandparent’s rights” this paper will work in her favor.