Male nursery worker changing my toddler girls nappy

I think it’s very understandable, and you should definitely voice your preference with the nursery. The only thing I’ll say is that as weird as it is, women can also be predators and a child isn’t automatically safe in the presence of one.

Do they actually take them into a separate room? That would open up safeguarding issues whichever gender was changing a nappy. Predators can be male or female.

I work in a nursery myself (on mat leave) and we have men that work there and they are some of the best nursery workers I have ever met even better than some ladies.

I personally don’t see a problem with this. The guy would have all the appropriate checks and is just doing his job. It is highly unlikely he was alone as adults stay together or in the same room when changing nappies to protect themselves against any potential issue. I don’t really see how males are different to females. I would probably be initially surprised as it’s less likely for men to be a nursery worker but if he is good with children, enjoys his job and is professional, then I don’t see the problem. That’s my opinion though and your opinion is valid and is you’re not comfortable with something, it’s absolutely ok for you to share your thoughts and so is it with the nursery x

Female nursery workers change baby boys’ nappies all the time and no-one has a problem with it. Time to chuck some gender stereotypes in the bin. This man will have undergone a DBS check to be allowed to work in the nursery, you have to trust him as you would any member of staff, or take your child somewhere else. Also, if it makes you feel better, it’s not standard practice for nappy changes to be done in a separate room. I know at my son’s nursery there are nappy changing areas in the corner of each room so the member of staff changing the nappy is not unattended with the child at any point.

@Amaya In the UK no employer would be allowed to discriminate by gender in this way, thank goodness!

As others have said, this guy would be DBS checked in the same way that the female workers would be. And both males and females can be predators. He wouldn’t have been alone with your daughter. There would’ve been someone nearby. Staff do this to cover their own backs too.

@Sophie it’s not just gender stereotypes that makes moms uncomfortable with this, it’s that males are statistically much more likely to commit offenses like SA on a minor and she has a right to voice her concerns and see if they’ll honor her wishes instead of having to just put up with it and decide to 100% trust it or pull them out of the nursery

What Sophie said

This would make me uncomfortable too. Yes females can be predators too, I absolutely know this but I hate to admit but it just feels safer somehow. I’d speak to the nursery about where nappy changes are done and that no staff member (regardless of gender) is alone during that time. An adult would be offered a chaperone so a baby should be given the same courtesy, for yours and their protection. Yes a DBS would be done on everyone, it into safeguards so far. It onto highlights people who have been caught.

You're her mother so at the end of the day you 100% have the choice, it's your decision. But since you asked for opinions - I wouldn't mind. There's been a few female p**dos that have been caught taking photos of children for men, so the gender doesn't bother me. What would bother me is the separate room, I worked in a nursery and whilst a bit more private away from the other children's immediate gaze, the nappy changing area was open so no one was alone changing nappies. I wouldn't allow any gender to change my daughter alone in a room at a nursery.

Perhaps talk to your nursery about what safeguarding they have in place for nappy changes. Hopefully this will reassure you. They should have a precautions in place to make sure no one can do anything inappropriate regardless of their gender. Personally I’m comfortable with my nursery’s safeguarding and as a woman working a traditionally male job would want to support men working in traditionally female roles so would be happy for him to do the changes on both my girl and boy.

I don't see how this is any different than a female nursery worker changing a nappy. From working in a nursery, nobody should be in a separate room changing nappies at all. That male is doing the job for the exact same reason as the female workers. It is horrible as a male nursery worker for people to have these views as it is making something out of nothing. We are just trying to do our jobs like everyone else. I completely understand that statistically there are more male predators but the likelihood of going into a very female dominant job where there is discrimination against men purely with evil intent is unlikely.

I work in a special needs school with 2-19 year olds, we have a vast number of students who require intimate care. In our school, the male staff can only change the male students, female staff can change anyone. I completely understand your concerns and I think I would be uncomfortable if my daughter was changed by a male in a 1-1 situation. However that said, I also find it really unfair that, for example in my setting, the female staff have this additional trust/expectation unlike the male staff.

Ok guys I’ve heard both sides, and though I agree with some of the comments made above… a few did catch my eye, though I couldn’t help but notice that majority of the mums who were opposed to the way I feel, do not have girls. Interesting right 🤭 So, I’ve decided I will have a respectful and civil conversation with the nursery tomorrow morning and go from there. Again, I don’t want to ruffle any feathers considering they have my LG a few days a week and we genuinely love this nursery. Will update you on what they say, they either honour it or highlight their policies on gender discrimination, either way as a mum to my gorgeous LG who I would protect with my life, I personally felt uncomfortable, nothing more.

I don't see the issue with the male worker changing a baby. I'm pretty sure there has to be 2 people around for things like this anyway (at my nursery, there's always two present regardless of gender). Like all other nursery staff he will have had a DBS check. You say you're not coming from a discriminatory stance, but it seems like that's exactly what it is. You need to trust every single member of staff at that nursery regardless of gender. If you don't then you should definitely speak to the nursery about their policies for reassurance!

I understand people's first feeling of discomfort - but just another thing to add as someone who has worked in nurseries (my baby is also a girl). I don't think male p***** are likely to go into that line of work, because they do face discrimination as is (men in general I mean) and would be a little more "watched" if you will, so would be harder for them to commit a crime, Where as a female will generally instantly have trust from colleges as females are less likely to be p****, meaning the female p**** are less likely to be caught. Probably haven't explained myself well. But yes, as I said previously she is your baby and it's your decision. But discuss this closed off nappy changing area because there have been a view cases of female p**** abusing children. Female doesn't automatically mean safe, and male doesn't automatically mean dangerous

Personally it wouldn’t bother me as they are just as qualified and vetted as anyone else in there. I can see why you might be worried about this due to certain bias against male care workers (conscious or unconscious) but the reality is that’s how certain predators do get away with things because they go under the radar while perfectly innocent people are more scrutinised because of certain stereotypes. One of the hardest(and best) decisions in my life was sending my child to nursery so I could return to work. Unfortunately, putting your trust in others is essential. It’s up to you how you approach it with them but my feelings are that if you don’t trust everyone there then don’t send your child at all x

I think this is good example of unconscious bias. We all have it for different things. There are male staff at my son's nursery and I am not afraid to admit my initial reaction was one of surprise - why would a man work in a nursery? BUT WHY NOT? After a moment I told myself it was just my unconscious bias. If I were a man and someone had highlighted to management they didn't want me to change their child's nappy I would probably feel a bit upset. At the end of the day they are professionals. If he hasn't given you a reason not to trust him then I think you ought to trust him. That's how I'd view it anyway. I would worry that your nursery may turn around and say "he's not done anything wrong, if you aren't happy here then maybe you'd be happier placing your daughter elsewhere".

Yes incognito lol that part☝️you have got to put your kids first and ensure safety even if it means offending a completely innocent person they’ll understand, and if they’re a professional they would get it and inform and reassure you. The unfortunate stereotype stems from actual statistics and just the scary world we live in. I’m sure it suck’s for male child care workers to know that these fears are common but having your kid be the victim of some sort of abuse sucks much more. Also this isn’t to scare anyone but predators definitely commonly seek out positions where they can have access to children, like youth ministers etc. I’m sure that man at your nursery is a complete gem but yeah just good to talk to them anyways

I would feel surprised & uncomfortable too, & would be 100% aware that I am gender stereotyping, etc. However, at the end of the day, I am not going to sit in my discomfort & let a situation continue that may impact my little one without at least a discussion with the nursery. I would then make a decision from there about what to do next. You’re entitled to feel how you do & I hope the conversation goes well. I totally get the point about women changing boy nappies & no one batting an eyelid, but you have to do what feels right for you & your daughter x

I do have a daughter and there is a male worker at nursery. I've never questioned who changes her tbh. I trust them all. A lot of people have mentioned nappies being changed in the same room/with 2 people but I've worked in a few nurseries and always changed children's nappies in a different room on my own (changing place in the toilets that the children use) as it is not hygienic to change them in the room where they play/eat and also it depends on how many staff there is. If there are only 3 babies in only 2 staff would be needed so they couldn't both be in the bathroom to change at once.

One word Vanessa George. Maybe ask them what the protocol is when they are changing a child. I think the only concern I would have is that if they are 2-4 years old they may not feel comfortable with a male changing them.

@Autumn I think you misunderstood @Sophie. In the UK you also have the right to voice your concerns, they will just not be acted upon if they mean you are discriminating against someone on the basis of gender, as that would be illegal. 🙂

I have both a boy and girl and wouldn't mind either of them being changed by a man or woman 🤷‍♀️ There were 2 male workers at my sons pre school and they were both great. One still works there years on and now my daughter attends.

@Natalie I was thinking this too! At my little ones old nursery, they had a separate changing area/room from where the littles ate/played/slept.

@Ana no I understood what she said, I was responding to her comments saying it’s time to throw some stereotypes in the trash and that OP can either choose to trust the nursery or take her child out.

If you’re feeling this way about someone who identifies as a man doing it, but not a woman, then I’m sorry but it is 100% discriminatory and saying it isn’t doesn’t change that. I have a girl. I’d be fine with any gender changing her as long as my nursery has the correct safeguarding procedures in place.

@Autumn but isn’t that what it will come to? She will voice her concerns and they most likely won’t do anything about it. So she’s left with the choice of trusting or taking baby out of there. 🤷‍♀️

@Ana I’m for OP making sure her kid is safe and having that peace of mind. She already explained she’s just going to bring it up in a civil convo respectfully she’s not going in guns blazing blaming the dude for being a perv haha so I think the nursery would likely explain their child safety policy and the diaper changing routines and if they don’t have that and if the diapers are really changed in a private room at least she will know and can have all the info to make the decision she’s comfortable with. My issue is with people in the comments acting as if she’s wrong for being concerned basically ignoring the reality of the world we live in just to appease basically strangers and not appear sexist 🙄

Completely your choice as your child. As a friendly point of view though, I would say a man or a woman changing a child’s doesn’t make a difference to me myself just as a preference. As I worked in a nursery with both males and females. I have heard views of this over the years and you have every right to voice your opinion but please be reassured everyone is DBS checked and it shouldn’t matter the gender, just because of stereotypes and views. Personally, as working in nurseries myself for 6 years the amazing things that staff do for your child to ensure they have the best day and most out of there day is so much ignored. Nursery staff do not get the credit they deserve they are literally superwomen/men! I think it’s so important to voice your opinion if you have it but please keep at the back of your mind what amazing jobs these people do to look after your children so you can comfortably go back to work. Xx

Let’s be frank, most people who have an issue with a male nursery worker don’t have the same issue with a male paediatrician. This is less about a man having access to the child and more about a man having access to a child while doing a “female job”. And yes, doctors and nurses are sometimes left alone with children as Lucy Letby’s horrendous case shows.

@Ana my kids male pediatrician has never changed their diaper or even been alone with my kids and that’s general so I think that’s a weird comparison that doesn’t really drive home a point haha

I am glad you are fortunate enough not to have had you me children stay in hospital. Understand if you will - which I am sure you won’t.

@Ana maybe so, but it’s more likely that a parent would accompany their child to an appointment with a male paediatrician. In a nursery setting, parents have to trust the staff they are leaving their children with as they’re 100% going there without them, so whether it’s right or not, they have a right to question things that make them feel a certain way. If the answers don’t make a parent feel any better, then they’ve a decision to make.

@Priya again, talking about hospital stays, as the reference to LL would make clear to anyone in the Uk

@Ana yes I’m extremely fortunate I haven’t had to experience that but IF my child had to stay alone in the hospital I would definitely make sure I feel comfortable with the hospitals protocol and make sure my kid would never be alone with anyone in a closed space. All that OP wants is to feel reassured that her kid is safe, y’all acting like shes sexist for that is crazy. Lots of women have knee jerk reactions to those kinds of situations involving men because of our experiences and knowledge of who perpetrates the most violence, it’s a very justified response. Doesn’t mean we can demand people change their business practices but INFORMED consent to what are children are involved in is important

@Ana I was actually going to say about Lucy Letby. She was a wolf in sheep’s clothing which was the perfect disguise to go under the radar x

@Ana Ok, but that’s not what this post is about.

Yeah I don't see the issue. He's an employee, who passed the same checks as the female employees. You're allowed to feel uncomfortable but you cannot expect them to not use one of their workers to do work related tasks. I could understand not wanting a random man changing her diaper but he is just doing his job, one he was background checked for. Women can be just as awful as men.

Female patients in hospital refuse male doctors or nurses all the time, if there is no female doctor then they will have a chaperone. Not one person is ever outraged that the male Dr or nurse is being discriminated against. And no male Dr or nurse is offended by the patients choice. Everyone respects that it’s patients choice and they have the right to feel comfortable with their caregiver undergoing intimate procedures. That’s not to say all male Drs and nurses are predators, but some women don’t feel comfortable with the opposite sex. In my opinion, this is no different. If a mum feels uncomfortable comfortable about a situation, she has the right to question it or make changes. It’s scary enough entrusting anyone with your child, you shouldn’t also have to put up with discomfort just so you don’t offend.

@Ana but they do though. Lots of people refuse a male Doctor to do certain things all the time. It’s very normal and very common. The patients preference for gender is always respected. And yes a medical professional can have access to a child on their own, but when undergoing intimate tasks, they should be chaperoned.

@Priya thank you - that was exactly my point! This is not about a man having unsupervised access to a baby. It’s a man working in a nursery. A male doctor in a hospital having similar access would not raise as many eyebrows.

@Ana everything @Alana said. Couldn’t agree more with both of her previous posts!

Agree to disagree!

I would hate to be discriminated against in my job because of my gender. That’s all I have to say on this.

@Ana I’m curious which part you disagree with? A woman can’t feel uncomfortable with a man performing an intimate exam? A woman can’t request a female doctor? A woman can’t request a female nurse wash her genitals when she’s unable? That a male or female medical professional should offer a chaperone when undergoing intimate exams or procedures? Or that a mother needs to feel comfortable with who is undergoing intimate tasks with their daughter?

Hey, I completely get you and don’t find it discriminatory or stereotypical at all. I refused a male doctor to perform a sweep on me, because I’d prefer no male medical professionals touching my private areas if avoidable. If that’s how I felt as a grown woman, with your child being a baby, unable to report anything, you not being there to supervise and you not knowing this person, you’re totally within your rights to feel uncomfortable or request a female member of staff to change her nappy. I’m all about equality etc but people have the right to set boundaries with their babies 😊

It’s the second post I see on male nursery workers today… I do believe ir is discrimination. And I do believe that it’s the type of discrimination that mostly happens when males do traditionally female jobs. If OP wanted to ask questions at the nursery about procedure she could have done so immediately. A post on Peanut asking “how would you feel?” aims at another type of conversation that has nothing to do with information gathering. Actually information on nursery practices is something you should try to have from day 1. And healthcare wise I personally want the best professional, regardless of gender and have never asked for a chaperone. So no, don’t understand that point of view. SA is a horrible horrible despicable thing but the fearmongering going on this app is exhausting. And what I agreed to disagree is that the we will never understand each other’s points of view and that’s ok, it’s democratic.

I’m a female in a traditionally male job, so I’m quite passionate about discrimination. What Ana has commented is a great comment.