I'm conflicted 😐

He shouldn’t have snapped at you like that and you don’t ever deserve to be spoken to in that way, especially not by someone who is supposed to love you. You asked him if it was important to him to take the tree down together and he said no, you didn’t take it down so he did while he was cleaning. Was it important to you that you were the one to take it down, and if so, did you communicate that to him? He was completely wrong to snap but in this specific scenario (and I appreciate this is just one tiny snapshot) I don’t see what the issue was with him taking the tree down.

If I may make an observation. “You are starting to take the tree down” - would make me feel annoyed (and probably would annoy my husband as well). It has no information other than “guess what I really want”. It feels a bit passive aggressive. My husband and I would prefer in that instance “oh hey, you started to take the tree down, could you please wait for me? I would like to participate”. Ask what you need in the moment, don’t set up your partner to guess and fail. (He shouldn’t be explosive and verbally abrasive to you anyway. Sorry that you are dealing with that).

I understand, I said it out of surprise, and before I could say anything more before he snapped. It's more of a surprise remark, such as opening the curtains and seeing it's snowing and you just say it out of surprise even though everyone can see... I definitely could have said it better, and I thought he did know it was important after I asked him, because i explained that it's important to me so I thought it could be for him, but he said it wasn't for him. So he kind of knew, whether he remembered may be different. But, even so, turning onto the person and diminishing their joy in doing stuff like that still hurts. I know I could be better, but I never said it unkindly. Just, surprised... I don't have an issue with the tree, it was the defensive attack. It is something I'll need to work on, because I can see where I am wrong. I also know I'm broken and he didn't deserve for me to panick and break down after his defensive attack. Shiiiiiiit. I feel so deflated

He definitely could have handled the situation better, but when I read what happened it felt to me like if it was important to you, you should have expressed that when you first had the conversation. You simply asked him if it was important to him, he said no, and that was the end of the conversation. You easily could have conveyed that it was important to you and that you wanted to be a part of it. You also said “you hadn’t gotten around to it yet” which implied you planned on taking it down without him, but expected him not to do the same? I would have been confused by your reaction if I were him too. But again he did not need to be so mean about it.

In my message above I did say I mentioned to him it was important to me at the time of that conversation, it was longer than him just saying no. The true conversation was more this... We planned to take the tree down early january at the weekend and it kept getting oushed back, so I asked "Hey, im just wondering if taking the tree down is something important to you?" Him "what do you mean?" Me "well, for me it's important like putting the tree up, something I always did as a family so it's just something I like doing" Him "oh, no no, not like that, just putting it up is important" Me "so if I did it some point during the week it would be ok?" Him "yeah, i dont mind, but you can wait for the weekend if you like to do it together if you dont find time" Yeah I didn't expect him to do it alone, as i mentioned he doesn't really do stuff around the house so it genuinely is a surprise to see. He also hurt me recently, which is more heartbreak hurt, so I guess I wasn't in the cheerpiest moods to check my words

I was genuinely surprised, but i can see how my words are also not great and may had made him mad. I'd been asking for weeks about this tree thinking he might had liked to take it down together which is why I checked I wasn't going to hurt him before I did it alone, if I did it. I understand that I have a lot of issues and I definitely should had said something more happy and just offered to join. It is rare he does anything without being asked, so I was insensitive and this was his way of saying sorry for the recent thing he did. Which is why I feel so bad about my reaction, also. I'm easy to cry at the moment with my ppd, and no one deserves that.. I will apologise for my part

I realise now asking if the tree was important might be a bit stupid, it could look like I was being mean. Everything, though, was said in a kind tone of voice with warmth, even today I said it kindly without harshness or scorn.

There is definitely a communication issue. He just started cleaning today. He never said anything or his plans, shich I'm used to, he just started and was doing things which I never interrupted etc. I dont tell him when im about to clean, or all the chores i will do during the day either. We didnt plan a clenaing weekend. It is very rare, but when he crushes me so deeply, he cleans... i think this is only the second time in our relationship he cleaned the bathroom and did things without being asked to help. I was hanging up the clothes upstairs at the time, and came down to the surprise. I understand why he did it, because of wanting to vacuum (which i didn't know he was about to do a cleaning frenzy), just i was innocent to all of this knowledge of his plans making me surprised. He would had left that tree up all year, it doesn't matter for him, he said that last year too but he still helped me put it down. We had hot chocolate and music so I initially was waiting to do it with him until i asked.

I probably unintentionally hurt him, asking if taking the tree down was important. I should have just said if its OK if I take the tree down. I was adding meaning to it, as I knew I'd be a bit upset missing out something i liked to do each year. Thanks for letting me rant, and put things into place. I'm such a twit.

Stand up for yourself. Just because he's vacuum a room or washed a cup randomly doesn't excuse him in any way and shouldn't make you start defending him with the "but but buts" which is what happens alot. He's also throwing it in your face knowing he'll confuse you. Other than that he's nasty for bring so rude and mean to you knowingly. You need to stop taking his bs and find a way to stand up for yourself. A person who causes you to cry often is not it. Xx And you should stop second guessing yourself too. He snapped at you before you could finish your thoughts and that happen when people are not on happy grounds as clearly you've said he hurt you recently. There's alot that needs to be settled.

Look, as people on this Earth, we all bump into each other sometimes. If your husband steps on your toes (which is what happened here) the correct reaction is "I'm sorry. I didn't see you there or mean to hurt you." Not "God, why do you and your big feet always have to be in the way in the first place? Aren't you glad I'm cleaning?!?" The correct reaction for you upon hearing that is "Wow, that is harsh. This person has something going on. Maybe I don't want to be around them for a while." Not "I really shouldn't have been standing there or taking up space in the first place. I'm so needy." You're not crazy, stupid, or unreasonable for wanting him to treat you with kindness and respect. He can clean the house and be nice to you at the same time. If he's prioritizing the house or being in the flow of doing something, he's got his priorities out of order. A clean house is great, but only if you want to spend time with the people inside it. I hope you guys talk this over and get this cleared up soon. ❤️

No way should he be rude but I thought you discussed that it wasn’t important to take it down together? Your partner shouldn’t be making you cry at all that’s not right. You need to support each other and be a team x

Also not in a mean way but if the tree is still up on Jan 18th, I don’t think taking it down is anyone’s priority. Unless there were reasons personal etc etc or bubba was just born or something x

I don't think his reaction was okay. From your description he sounds hyper sensitive to criticism, like he's immediately defensive and feels attacked even by innocent statements or questions. That's a HIM problem that he probably needs therapy for, but I suppose, he's not doing it on *purpose*. From your description about the tree, I would not have taken away from that, that you do NOT want him to take it down alone. That wasn't clearly communicated from you. I would say the conclusion of that conversation is that you were okay with not doing it together.

There was a reason, the cats knocked it down early janurary and started treating it like a toy, which knocked the baubles across the room and cracked some. So it was kind of just sat back up looking a bit frazzled and they kept trying. I suppose I need to be clearer, that the importance of me taking down the tree meant that I would not be ok with him taking it down alone. I guess I presumed saying taking down the tree what important to me, meant I didn't mind it being taken down without me.. you're right, I probably only discussed that it was OK not to do it together. I didn't realise. I feel so dumb. I guess I learnt from this that I really need to be better and clearer. I'm glad I ranted a bit... I've now learnt that saying something is important to you is not clear indication of something... I wish he just asked though, too. But I can't expect things from people so this really is my fault. I feel so deflated at the moment, like, I know it's part of my depression doing this feeling, but I feel... down

They knocked it down during the week, so we said we'd take it down on the weekend after that happened, and since that point it was just getting worst and worst and the fairy lights are broken as they chewed the wire, too. It was just something I didn't get around to doing when working, looking after LO and cooking/cleaning important things etc. It is rare he does things, so I genuinely never expected him to take down the tree so I guess I never thought to say for him NOT to do it directly. He never cleans or cooks or does anything without asking a couple times, so it's usually just me doing everything anyway, I just held importance to the tree as a family thing...