AITA for not supporting my partners career dreams?

How would you feel if he didn't support you in your dreams? Some of those professions you will still be able to spend time together. My husband is in the army and I still see him. Yeah he is away a lot but not everyone in the army go away/deploy. You only have 1 life and I would support my husband in any dream he has. I would hate to be the reason he regrets anything in life. Also I would resent my husband if he didn't support my dreams

@Tasha that is a good way of looking at it 😩 I just know it would be hard on me, but yeah I guess that is selfish

Tell him go join the Army and be 42A. Or any other job that’s not combat related. U wouldn’t have to worry about him dying , only thing you’d worry about is deploying which is less often than u think. And if he’s a 42A the chances of him being in the field is little to none because he’s hr. He’ll be home after 5 or before that M-F and weekends off unless he has a 24 hr duty which is probably unlikely cause again he’s hr but the good thing is he stays home all day the next day. You’ll see ur husband so much you’ll be happy when he’s gone 😂

It's not selfish you want to spend more time with your partner. But not all aspects of the military they go away. It might help if you looked into the professions it might help your anxiety and then you can push him to follow his dreams

So, while your partner deserves to follow his dreams, you deserve to have a partner who cares about how his choices impact you. My husband is intermittently interested in running for office, but I have a lot of concerns. (I'm not a very public person, and there's a ton of gross "politician's wife/family" pressure that I have zero interest in being a part of.) When it comes back up as something he's interested in, I tell him that he should do it if he wants to, but that I would need him to help problem solve the challenges with me before making a commitment. (I.e., how would you prioritize your family in a 24/7 job? Would you be supportive of me being a background wife? Etc., etc.) I think there's a way to discuss the concerns separately from the job. (Of course, being a first responder has certain innate risks that you can't ignore - but maybe you could talk about how you check in over a shift? Or would he be supportive of you going to therapy for your anxiety? Etc., etc.) I don't think you're TA.

I also want to add, OP, regarding those who say you should support your partner no matter what: blind support of a partner is gross to me. It seems like an outdated concept of marriage - more like "obedience" and less like "partnership." I wouldn't want my dreams or goals to hurt people I love, and if they were going to, I'd absolutely want to know about it. There's more than one way to find fulfillment in our work and life. Part of being a partner is finding balance with what solely we want and what works for the team and the shared goals.

I was in the Air Force for 8 years and I didn’t deploy once. The job training I received (air traffic control) transfers extremely well and honestly was a lot of fun. I was overseas for a few years where I met my husband and when we got married we moved bases together. He has a 8-5 job mostly there’s occasionally times he has to work a night or weekend but at his rank it’s not a consistent thing. And he did deploy once since we’ve been together but it was 6 months. I was pregnant at the time but being that I was still enlisted I had my own thing going on during the days. We talked every single day he was gone via text, phone and video call. It’s not a bad option if you can get into a career field that has normal ish hours. I worked more nights and weekends. We did rotating shifts week of days week of nights.

@Katy I totally get what your are saying about blind support but we also have to acknowledge that he gave her multiple job careers that he thinks would make him more fulfilled in life and she doesn’t support any. At some point we do have to take a step back and go am I know holding this person back and are my reasonings for doing so justified.

@Khyia Nothing I said would change based on your comment. Her bf seems drawn to a specific line of work (yes different positions, but all pretty similar "types" of risky/long-shift work) that OP is not comfortable with. We are not obligated to change or hide our feelings blindly for our partners. I think we ARE obligated to be honest and willing to compromise and find solutions, which is exactly what my comments suggest. ETA: Also. Honestly? What kind of a person hides their dreams from their partner for years? I mean. How serious of a dream could it be if it never came up? Idk. I wouldn't feel too obligated to accommodate a random job my partner used to think about, then threw at me out of nowhere if I felt it compromised our life stability either. I think there are some weird vibes in here. And who are we to suggest OP's concerns aren't justified? Having anxiety is real. Being worried about your partner's safety is real. Compatibility is real.

@Khyia luckyyyyy , but AF deployment is so fun 😭 I was deployed to UAE and it’s an AF base and it made me realized I joined the wrong branch 😂

@Jody my husband went out there it was his last deployment before I got out. I just never had the opportunity for ATC it takes a year of training initially and then a few months or longer every other base. I was in the UK, then South Korea a year in Florida and two in North Dakota. I was never in once damn stop long enough to deploy. It’s actually my only regret in getting out. But Korea felt like a deployment 😂😂

@Katy the military option isn’t that risky tho. I use to think the military was until I joined. I have had 0 threats to my life in the 5 years I’ve been in. It all comes down to job they choose. Obviously if you’re infantry then there’s a high chance he’ll see some shit but could possibly be unlikely. I don’t see anything wrong with her supporting her bf in any of the fields he wants to , you’re right though that he did sprung this on her very last minute

@Katy sorry I was replying to the message right above me. Again, the military isn’t risky. There are jobs that never deploy or you can’t deploy until you hit a certain rank which could take years. It’s guaranteed pay, health benefits, school benefits not to mention housing allowance and a food allowance. Because we absolutely do not know this people we have no idea what conversations they’ve had about these lines of work in the past. So maybe she made a comment about one in the past and he decided not to pursue it or mention it at that time and now is feeling regret. We are absolutely obligated to compromise and work with our partners as a team but no where in this is she offering what she’s willing to compromise. He gave her options and she is saying no that’s not compromise that’s her having the final say. It could also be a lost dream of his that he only remembered recently or maybe is finally in a place he could pursue it.

The Air Force has jobs like mine that work 8 hour shifts in a heated/AC building with little to no risk. There’s comm, IT, medical, administrative jobs. Our personnel people deploy but don’t touch guns. And then obvi there’s infantry, security forces, all the combat jobs. Not atleast opening her mind to what jobs are available in the military that would provide a standard 8-5 no weekends, no holidays min deployment isn’t helping. I get saying hey I’m not comfortable with you potentially being in the line of fire can we look at jobs you could do that aren’t. That’s compromise.

@Khyia I feel like you're really focused on just the military component in this post, when that is such a tiny detail - maybe because of your personal experience? Idk. The overall post here is very clear: OP clearly stated she did not know about these goals, is uncomfortable with them, and is asking if saying so makes her an asshole. The answer to me is no, and my first comment suggests that there may be a way to try to figure out a compromise instead of just saying she doesn't want him to do it. Again, I don't believe in feeling we are obligated to blindly support our partners or hold our tongues if we're uncomfortable with something they want. And I expect the same level of honesty in return.

@Jody I know you military folks are trying to do a good thing here, but I'm married to a vet and have a different opinion. I realize what you're trying to say, and I appreciate it, but I'm not here to discuss military roles with y'all. It's a specific kind of work and lifestyle that isn't for everyone and poses unique challenges for partners and families. That's all that matters in the context of OP's post. OP didn't ask us to change her mind or reassure her about any of the options.

@Khyia also, sorry, I figured out the message you meant and edited my reply but I was too late and you had already replied back. So. To anyone reading this, if this back and forth is confusing, it's my bad. 🤦‍♀️

@Katy lmao I’d never encourage anyone to join the military. It’s sucks 😂 I was just advocating for it because out of all the choices he wants to do I think that’s the best option given what she was scared of

@Jody lol. Fair enough.

I personally would never want to be with someone who wanted to be a cop…honestly i would probably just leave and call a cab … but that’s just me…

Sorry I’m working and late to all this loool. Don’t really know where to jump in but all that’s really been mentioned is different military positions which i appreciate but also doesn’t help too much because that was his “used to have interest in” job 😩 I know he wouldn’t go that direction now. His absolute #1 is firefighter and I just feel like there’s no loophole for that 🥲 like he will always be at risk and I’d always worry, of course not every day there’s major major things going on, I’m sure there’s easier days but still does feel like there’s comfort in that. And then the schedule again, working longer periods of time 1-2 days straight (idk how their schedules work exactly) when I already feel like I’m struggling staying on top of everything at home with my own job and our kids. It just feels hard. I don’t want to hold him back, it just really sucks is all I’m saying and I definitely wouldn’t be a fan.

As for him springing his dreams on me out of no where … yeah 😩 I have zero memory of him saying all this when we first started dating. I always remember him saying he planned to stay where he’s at, just move up, because he’ll be able to retire at 40 which is awesome. So it definitely feels sudden but maybe we just never really talked about it, I have no idea lol

Conversation came up yesterday because apparently through his job they’re hiring for wildland fire crew and he was interested in it. He tried to explain it to me which I didn’t fully understand lol but basically it’s more of like a 2nd job. He’d still be doing what he does now, but if/when needed he’d go out to help with wildfires wherever they are, meaning can also be gone days or weeks🥲 I shut it down when he was telling me about it but I know realistically this would probably be the easiest option 😭 but another thing I didn’t know about. When he found out they did that when he first started working there “he knew it was something he wanted to get into” ugh

I think it’s worth an in depth discussion with your husband. If that’s his true dream then go over what that looks like in detail for your family realistically… not just assuming based on your fears and presumptions. My husband is LEO and I was terrified in the beginning. But his department has great pension benefits and opportunities for growth. Sure in the beginning the hours were rough and he wasn’t around as much. But after a few years he’s been able to move up to be a detective and works a lot less hours now. He also has a take home car and that’s 1 less car payment we have to worry about. It was definitely worth it if you think long term.

I only said about military because I have experience with it. You will always worry and I think it's natural to worry about the people you care for. I've had a look on Google about shift patterns and it one mentioned is shift. So on 4 and off 4. But as you have said it can be a worrying line of work. I'm sorry you're going through that kind of struggle. There is no advice I have but I'm sure everyone that has posted has had that struggle too so I hope there is comfort in that Do you think because it has been sprung on you it's harder to process? I'm only asking because I get like that

Hmm, I don't think it's ok to dictate to your partner what he wants to do for a living, but that's just me. My teenager will possibly want to join the military when he's 18, which scares the shit outta me, but realistically there's nothing I can do but be supportive!

I don’t know what the prison system is like in the US, but my husband used to be a senior officer at a CAT A here in the uk, and it destroyed his mental health. He has PTSD from it all. I knew he had to get out and we discussed how to go about with a career change. Maybe your partner is unhappy and unsure about how to open up to you about it. I don’t think it’s fair to not even hear him out

By the way it’s extremely unlikely to get into k9 police. You have to be a normal police officer first and then the dog handler roles are insanely competitive. There’s about 1 dog handler job going for every 300 officers applying

In the UK anyway. idk where you are

THE ONLY IMPORTANT FACT WAS HIM BEING AWAY FROM THE KIDS OTHER THAN THAT IT'S ALL JUST YOUR PERSONAL FEELINGS...IN A WAY YES YOU'RE THE AH BUT WITHIN REASON THOUGH

I live in a prison town and I know it is super depressing for everyone who works there. I would think he would be happier elsewhere? And the risks seem similar to me. I donno maybe give it a chance.

I was in corrections and it can get boring depending on the facility and where your placed in the years I was there I was always trying to move around sections so I wouldn’t get bored. With that being said I had an incident on duty and tbh it could happen in any field these days regardless if it’s an active one like the ones he’s interested in or being a school teacher. We went to Walmart the other week and a person was stabbed there… Yes you’re more at risk but you guys would have to weigh the good and bad of them for both of you and your family. In the end I think you have valid reasons to be concerned but if he is unhappy at his job I would hate to dread to go to work everyday. I would talk to him more about it and try to be open but do voice your concerns.

You’re not the asshole. Your reasons are valid and they matter. But him being happy also matters. If he hates his job then he should definitely look for something else but does it have to be a dangerous job like those that he dreams of doing? I don’t know. I’ve had similar discussions with my husband because he’s also into all those things and I just cannot handle the thought of what could god forbid happen and have told him that I don’t want him going into those jobs. He now

He now works in heavy highway construction as a carpenter. It may not be a dream job but it’s also not an office job and he likes that. Maybe explore more career options.