I need advice…BAD!!!

Listen.. if this situation is this bad before you get married, IT’S ONLY GOING TO GET WORSE after you do! Trust me! People told me the same and I wish I had listened! My husband has an autistic son (but I must say he is VERY well-behaved) and a controlling baby mom. She felt like she had to dictate every second of the time that WE spent with his four kids with her and when things didn’t go her way, she took the kids from us for a year. We had to file paperwork for her to see that we were serious about being in their lives before she gave them back to us but the damage was done and we’re still trying to put the pieces back together. He had to break his neck to please her and I had to become the bad guy and put my foot down because I saw him meeting all of her demands and she would stack more demands on top of that. There has to be a line. You need to make it clear that if he doesn’t set boundaries and stick to them with his baby mom, there is no future for the two of you. Furthermore..

You almost said it l right “I don’t resent her I resent the way you parent her.” I feel this so hard. You told him exactly how you felt and he just can’t accept it. If you two don’t have a child together then I would say, leave. You can’t change him and I can tell you from experience that it doesn’t get much better. I love my husband dearly but I still feel resentment towards him for how he has handled things with his kids and ex. It has caused a huge rift between his kids and I because I don’t want to open myself up to being disrespected by them. We split some years back for a while and I felt so much better during that time but I felt so deeply that I didn’t want to be without him. I don’t regret being with him because he is a wonderful man and a loving father to our little girl but I would be lying if I said I didn’t miss those days when I was separated from all of it. My husband let me leave without making me feel guilty so I came back on my own. Your fiancé sounds toxic though 🫤

If he can’t develop a parenting routine and stick to his guns when disciplining his daughter, she’s never going to come around. Autism is a multi-faceted prism but one thing I know is, he is going to have to stand his ground. She has to know what to expect! It’s the only way that she will know what’s expected of her. So I can agree that if this situation stays this way, you will not have peace in your life. Do yourself a favor and trust your gut!! I definitely wish I had!! I love my husband and his kids are a major part of my life.. but our peace and happiness is always depending on what mood their mother is in. It’s stressful to say the least! She doesn’t want to co-parent.. she wants to dictate our finances, our time, our household when her kids are here. Mind you, I have kids of my own. We already have a system and her kids fall right in line with it until she interferes.

@LeKenya Hi, we went through this exact thing. Anytime bm would have a problem w/ my fiancé, she would always label me as the reason (out of jealousy) which I don’t understand why there’s any jealousy when they’ve been separated for years. I guess she thought I was a fling & seen he proposed and became bitter. However, I know before him & o were an item he’d have her most of the time while mom lives life. Now they split the placement equally. And she stated “before she came around we never had an issue”. Of course he’s not going to have the child everyday now, he’s in a relationship. I have shared custody with my daughter’s father, so naturally he aligned his schedule with mine so we could have alone time & also time spent together with our children. She kept his daughter away for 3 months bc she was bitter towards him & the newfound schedule. I encouraged him to go to the courts & he did. Now they have a legal custody order (which was our regional schedule) it’s just ordered now.

As far as I know, everything has been going well with the shared custody. But I did notice after the 3 months of not seeing his kid he goes above & beyond to keep me & bio mom separate ( I have no interest in seeing her) i am no longer apart of pick ups and drop offs (not that I mind) but now he is not inviting me to school plays, he seems to only FaceTime bio when I’m not around, unless she calls him on her own, he didn’t even want me to go drop off Valentine’s Day gifts at the school with him. I found that weird & asked why was that..he deflected & became upset and said I’m being delusional

@Danielle we don’t share any children together, and you’re absolutely right it won’t & has not changed. Maybe I’m Insane for expecting different results by doing the same thing. I don’t resent the child, she’s a sweet girl I resent how he parents her and how she treats us! We can never have one day of peace w/ o chaos. As far as bio mom idk how she parents her but I do know there’s some form of neglect. I love him so much & can’t see myself without him but I also don’t see this life for me anymore.

Yes, that’s what I said “I don’t resent her, I resent how you parent her.” I don’t understand what advice you’re looking for. Everyone seems to agree that things will not change and may only get worse if you marry him. I understand more than anything that you don’t want to be without him but if you don’t see this life for you anymore then your only logical option would be to leave. Heartbreak sucks but in time it passes and you are able to move on. This will only make your mental health worse unless you can give it all to God and accept it for what it is.

@Danielle thank you so much for that! I guess I was looking for someone to tell me what I already knew! I’ve ended the relationship & have no plans to look back (easier said than done) but I whole heartedly know I do not want to sign up for a miserable nor misguided life! God has been shown me this man was not for me. I taunted myself going against that, where it has gotten worst! Thank you again so very much! You ladies have made a difference in my life in a way I cannot explain! Thank you, thank you!

If this is gonna work with you guys, you’re gonna need to be on the same page regarding how to parent. If you’re making it clear to him that the way he parents his daughter is adding stress to your life and making you unhappy in the relationship, he needs to care enough to change and stick with it if he wants to keep you around. If he wants to do it his way, that’s fine, it’s his daughter and he has the right to, but he can’t expect you to stick around and be unhappy. I agree with @LeKenya, if it’s like this now, it wont magically get better if you’re married. It sounds like you love him a lot, but if he loves you he will do what he needs to to keep you around. It’s not like you’re asking him to not be around his daughter. It’ll benefit him and his quality of life too!

@Mary thank you, and agreed!! This is not the first thing he’s chose not to do for the sake of my happiness. It’s been written on the wall clearly for me to see. I was in denial in hopes that he loved me as much as I loved him to change certain things to keep me. But it didn’t & lost me. Thank you ladies, this breaks my heart terribly but it had to be done.

I feel this all and it’s really hard . Feel free to message me if needed . I’m basically going through the same thing

Unless you change course you will spend the next decade of your life doing exactly this. It will change who you are, your daughter's experience, and your relationship with her. Move out (if you live together) and decide for yourself whether you'd like to casually date him for the next 10 years (that's all he has available for you at the moment) or if you are looking for someone who has more to offer. He can be a good person and not right for you and your life at the same time. You can try just dating again for a while and see how you feel, or you can let him go, with love. ❤️

I’m so proud of you and I hope you feel the same way. I know how hard it is to walk away and how much harder it is to stay away. I would definitely go no contact for a while and be sure he respects that. Otherwise it will be even harder (I know from experience). Just continue to pray to God and let him guide you through this 🙏 I wish you the best.