Support from BD

Why isn’t he working ? How will you support yourselves ?

@Leah due to personal circumstances I don’t want to go into on here, the finances as we are comfortable in that sense and this is not a concern, but his support and what to ask of him is troubling me. But hoping him being off work and around is a huge positive.. He will have the baby when I return to work which I’m also grateful for!

It should be a huge positive, but it sounds like it isn’t. It sounds like he knows how to show interest and commitment because he’s doing it to football. He needs to show that to you and the baby also.

You’re not being unreasonable, this isnt just your baby it’s his as well! It’s totally unfair for him to only have to ‘help’ as long as it doesn’t get in the way of his normal social engagements. Your life will totally change overnight and so should his. Once the baby arrives, you’re a family, not just a couple, you have to support each other and baby will be top priority.

@Leah don’t get me wrong he’s present, and helps with my housework and food etc. but I don’t know what’s reasonable to ask of him and it being both our first times, I want to set expectations and boundaries before the baby arrives. I think he will step up if I am clear about what should be expected but I don’t know what that is?

I don’t think all men realise that a baby also changes their freedom. My partner bless him moved 47miles to live with me so he was away from all his friends and family. On a Sunday he would drive back home to play football with his mates. He likes his gaming but only played in the evening when me and baby had gone to bed. If he’s not working that he needs to help out at home and that he needs to change his priorities to being you and the baby.

There is no set expectations. It’s your relationship and so it will look diffent for everyone. I think for a start living together will set a routine for you both. And just talking. For example if you are planning to BF then maybe he does the night changes etc

@Maisie yeah I think it’s genuinely non intentional lack of awareness, it’s new for us both. I don’t want him to have no life but I don’t know what’s fair to ask, how much for him to be around, I don’t feel it’s fair to do bedtime and settling every night alone.. nor do I want him disturbing a settled baby but as I’ve not done it I just don’t know what to expect. I will try and discuss it more.. in a gentle approach. Thanks for your comment.

He will be too tired at the start. Then you will both find little things you want to do which is healthy x

@Leah but what is reasonable? I don’t know.. is it reasonable he continues to be at football 4x a week while I have the baby? I don’t know 😅.. yeah we will work out when to approach that chapter and see where we do from there. I appreciate your comments thank you!

Only you can decide lol I mean most men (not being funny) work 5 days a week. So him doing football 4x a week for a few hours ? Is it that’s unreasonable? Only you can decide for ur family

@Leah I guess I’m trying to ask how often others feel comfortable with their partners being out doing things such as football, or socialising, not working. It feels different when it’s not work, and I’m left doing the hard work and the one making all the sacrifices. I just am curious what others feel they would tolerate.. work aside.. being a mum is a full time job let’s be honest. Especially BF. Happy for him to do more in time, I think it’s healthy as someone above said, and we both need things as people not parents but initially it’s going to be a lot on me.

I’m expecting my 3rd and my husband goes out probably once every couple of months for a night away with his mates. Weekends are spent as a family. He does work 70 hour weeks with an hours commute. We live a nice life because of this commitment. He literally doesn’t have time to do anything after work- but the down side is I don’t also because he’s home. So o find it’s more the balance of freedom. If he can go out and see friends you need to be able to have the same freedoms to get ur hair done, see some friends etc and not worry about the baby in that time also

You’re not being unreasonable. But from what I’ve gathered, he should be helping out a lot more and spending less time out and about with friends. If he’s doing football 4 times a week then that should be reduced. Am guessing this is a new relationship and u have gotten pregnant early. So I would say he needs to be spending more time with u as a couple so that u can both work out how you want things to go once the baby is here. And congratulations on ur baby. You will both work it out, and once baby comes try express feeding so that he can help with feeds. That will help u out massively because BF is exhausting as it is and it will take some of a pressure off you. Xx

With a newborn you will want as much support as you can have. I found the first two months really really tricky, my wife was working shifts in this time and still played rugby once a week but if I asked her to come home she left and came. Sometimes our little one would cry lots and she wouldn’t go altogether. It seems like you have a different arrangement to what most of us deem ‘acceptable’ based on typical standards and therefore it’s tricky for us to comment. But you seem happy and it’s your arrangement that currently is working for you so it’s hard for us to comment. What i would say is you cannot predict not or set any kind of schedule now of how much you will need help. If this was purely about him seeing his child you could make a rota, but he’s your partner so it’s also about being there for you. And how you are going to find being a new mum is impossible to know. I thought I’d absolutely smash it! But I found it so tough and really needed her around me all the time!

I would just add I would want him to be open to dropping some of his social things in the first few months to be there for you more, you don’t want to do this alone if you have a partner, and you shouldn’t have to feel alone. As long as he’s the end of the phone if you need him, and has a 3/4 nights a week planned to be with you anyway, I would say that seems reasonable based on your set up now

They don’t realise until the baby is here what the responsibility is. My husband went out (not as much, but it did go out more) until baby was here and now he’s 50/50 on all responsibilities with me. But you should know that especially if you breastfeed, babies are basically 24/7 on mum for the first months, so i didn’t need much baby help, more like house help and company and moral support! Definitely not unreasonable to expect support ♥️

You should aim to have equal amounts of free time. No matter what the working time consists of- paid work, housework, childcare, family admin etc, you know you're each putting in equal effort if you each have an equal amount of downtime. So of he gets football 4 times a week for a total of say 8-10 hours, you also need 8-10 hours of time to spend how you wish (self care, hobbies etc). If that's not doable, he needs to cut the time down.

I just want to thank everyone for the comments it’s really helpful for my head to prepare for the conversations around this, I feel I mention it in passing, but no deep conversations yet. It wasn’t planned and was a new relationship so it’s a lot to try and think about and a lot of sudden changes, but I’m sure we will get there. He’s a lovely caring human, I think he just needs direction on what he needs to be doing.. Thanks again everyone I really do appreciate it. 🙏🏼❤️