Mother in law
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As for petrol money to visit her, cut back on going up to visit her. Let her know the reason is because it’s too expensive. She can come to you though, but make sure she knows why you’re not coming up. Any decent parent would offer petrol money if the journey was far. Or you could get your partner to flat out ask her. As for timings on when she can see him, if it doesn’t work for you, then she needs to respect that. But also make sure you that have tried every possible scenario because if you want her to help, you’ll have to meet her halfway, even if it means you don’t get the cherry pick of timings to spend some time with your partner.
@Neena This is exactly how I think about everything that i don’t feel comfortable about her doing, that she can just ignore it when i’m not there because i wont know and it really annoys me to think she wouldn’t respect my boundaries while I’m not watching over her. Thank you for your advice I think that in order for me to feel comfortable to have him it will have to be when he can talk and tell me himself.
@Neena Totally agree on cutting back on visiting i have spoken to my partner about this because unless we offer to come up she doesn’t ask. She never offers anything but goes on holiday all the time and takes her younger daughter and boyfriend out, but can’t help us out with her grandson she is very selfish and it winds me up how my partner sticks up for her.
I would feel the exact same way if I were you. Also personally I would just flat out tell her what the issues are and I feel like the approach of the conversation will set the tone of how things are going to go. For example you could say “you know I know you would love to see him and you care for him a lot and I appreciate you taking him for a few hours so we can spend some time together but for you to do that you have to understand that”…. And then explain what is bothering you. Instead of just going straight to the point. You know what I mean? I find the approach in every conversation is everything. And if she starts arguing with you, you keep it calm and maybe just end it with you not wanting her ti take him
@Britt Thank you for your advice, I would love to tell her how it is but my partner doesn’t like it and won’t be happy with me he just uses the excuse that she doesn’t do anything that bad and he tells her what I don’t want her doing when taking our son out so he doesn’t see the issue. It makes it really difficult because I don’t want him blaming me.
The issue regarding her hygiene you’ll never get around. She’s too old and stubborn to change now. Even if she absolutely promised you she would wash her hands, the second you are out of sight she would revert to not doing it. After all; you would never know! You need to figure out whether this is a deal breaker for you or not. If it is, then you need to tell her in no uncertain terms exactly the reason why she can’t look after him and maybe when your son is older and able to verbally tell you if he washed his hands, say around 3-4y without lying then she can try again as he would tell on her if she didn’t.