Forgiveness is Complex

I forgave my children's father shortly after leaving him 3 years ago. I stayed with him for 14 years through physical, emotional, and financial abuse. I knew that his behavior was due to unresolved trauma and that he is probably suffering more than I ever will due to his refusal to self-reflect and to medicate with alcohol and risky sexual behavior. I chose to forgive him for the pain he'd caused me. The second person I forgave was myself, for thinking that I needed to be good to someone that was hurting me so badly and so frequently. I forgave my family who knew about it and didn't help. They didn't know how to help as many loved ones look on helplessly in these situations. What I didn't realize until today is that I haven't forgiven him for the damage he's done to my relationship with my children. I haven't even let myself fully get angry about it. I'm sad because they've been lied to, and that makes them question my credibility. I choose not to tell them details of the abuse, because if they've repressed any memories, I don't want to hand them a plate of trauma just for the sake of saving my name. I'm angry with their father. He degraded me and abused me and treated me as if I were one of his kids. At times it felt like my own children were my little brothers and now that I'm with them on my own, it's taken years to reclaim my authority as a parent. I still struggle with them not trusting me and I understand, because deep down they know that I wasn't able to protect us before. Why should they trust me now? I've made so much progress and I'm proud of myself. I can't shake this feeling of jealousy when I see other parents who raise their children outside of traumatic environments. I feel jealous when I see women who are able to break free sooner. Now, I have to forgive him and myself for robbing me and my kids of a healthy mothering experience. I see it playing out in so many ways, and I'm ready to release the anger and resentment and the jealousy. Not everyone who reads this will understand, but I felt a need to post this in hopes that someone else needed the words. Blessings ✌🏻