Dad not bonding with baby

Yes! My birth went unexpectedly too and then our baby suffered really badly with colic for months (turned out to be CMPA) but it meant non stop crying practically 24/7. We both found it very hard. Both of us were diagnosed with PND. My partner would practically have a panic attack every time the baby cried and would just shut down/go inside his head. To the point he'd have to leave the room. So although I was also struggling with PND, trying to recover from the birth, trying to adjust to parenthood, I had to do everything by myself. We slept separately, never saw each other. He went back to work and his life carried on as normal while it felt like mine was falling apart. We delved so deep into the "roommate phase" I honestly thought we'd never get past it. I was close to leaving one night and taking the baby to my mum's because I was so desperate for help. But I made him promise me he'd speak to someone and he went to see a doctor and got put on antidepressants. That helped a bit. Also when we got to

The bottom of my baby's colic issue/allergy and got a prescribed formula which stopped the constant crying. But tbh he's only recently started to bond better with the baby now that he's older and getting more independent/more personality. He's 10 months now. I'm still the default parent and I think I always will be😅. I get up in the night every night, I do all the bum changes and feeds, baths, dressing etc. He gets all the playtime, giggles and smiles. It's definitely a positive though that your partner has been so open about it. At least you're both aware and have something to work towards and can try to find avenues to help. I'm sorry though because I know how hard it is to deal with everything on your own especially after going through so much yourself

My husband struggles with babies as well. I typically hand off the baby once she’s fed, changed, and content. That way he gets the cute baby snuggles with nothing to worry about. We have a toddler and he’s really bonded well and thriving with her. We are on baby number 2 now and I’m mostly doing it all while he has the toddler but I still let him snuggle the baby when she’s content so he can bond and he’ll talk to her when she’s awake. We don’t have much time together and rarely sleep together but since it’s our second baby, we know it’s just a stage and we try to intentionally set time apart to talk at least until we can get out of the newborn trenches

I think maybe suggest some therapy. C-sections can be quite traumatic, arguably more traumatic for you. But that doesn’t take away his trauma from the situation. Whilst a bond often is natural for mother and baby, it is learnt between father a baby. Mothers have the upper hand of having postnatal hormones as well as the baby only thinking they are just a piece of you, fathers often struggle to feel said “bond”. Whilst not ideal, the only way he’s going to learn to soothe the baby, is by doing so without your help. It can be stressful, but he’s new to being a father, and the baby is new to living. You could perhaps suggest walks allowing him to push the pram etc.. maybe do bath time once a week. Or even ask him to watch him whilst you nip out somewhere. I’m not sure how old baby is, but it does take time. My children’s father felt the exact same way for a very long time. And now he is obessed with them. Maybe you can find some common ground between your partner and baby, like

Listening to his favourite music and showing the baby. Or baby wear whilst doing something he loves etc… it takes time. But he definitely needs help for the previous traumas too.

Hey, my birth also had complications and ended in an emergency c section, where I lost a lot of blood and needed a blood transfusion. My partner obviously was in the room the whole time and found it very traumatic (understandably). But we continued to talk about the experience for weeks and how much we were thinking about it/ how we were feeling etc. Anyway, after about 6 weeks he said he felt resentful towards our baby and almost blamed her for the whole situation. To which he continued and said, he knew it was a stupid way of thinking and it was just him trying to justify what happened. But it did take him time to bond with her. Like you, I definitely had thoughts of me just doing it by myself. We now have a ten month old and their bond is amazing and he loves her more than anything. I do think it takes time for dads to create that bond sometimes and it’s hard when babies are so young and don’t really do a lot.. but as they start to play and interact it does become easier for them.

I think men bond differently with their baby. While we have grown this little human for 9 months we already feel a connection with them, it’s natural and easy for us. But for men it may take longer, especially if it’s a man that hasn’t been around children or babies in their own families. I think the best thing to do here in your case would be to continue enjoy motherhood. Don’t let him ruin this precious stage of motherhood for you. To help maybe show him how he could help the first few times. Keep on talking through what you are doing with baby whilst his is present. Tell him about the cute little things your baby did that day. When he holds baby let him know how proud you are of him as a dad already and that baby is starting to familiarise with his voice and smell too. Hopefully these little things will help in the long run and he too will bond nicely with your baby.

Sorry continuing ha. But I found letting him get stuck in helped, I did have to hold myself back sometimes and think ‘just because it’s not my way, doesn’t mean it’s the wrong way’ when it came to things like changing/ bathing/ playing. But I would just say give it time, try to catch up with each other daily and how you are feeling by asking open questions and remembering you are a team. It does get easier for them and us xx

But from my own experience I think men are slow learners and sometimes they go back into teenage mode. I have three children with mine, the eldest been 9 and I still have to talk him through how he needs to help me with the kids. That’s if he actually is in the mood to help. But like the others have said he is always ready for the giggles and rough and tumble plays. Which hopefully will come evenly with your man too.

Thankyou all, this has made me feel so much better hearing so many similar experiences. We’re only 2.5 weeks into this journey so hopefully things will improve when our baby is able to interact with him a bit more, it’s just really been breaking my heart seeing videos of dads just loving on their baby’s and then seeing him so disconnected. I couldn’t love anything more in this world than our little boy, I just want his daddy to share in the joy with me

It sounds like a pretty rough time all around and I’m sorry you all had to go through that. He potentially thought he was going to lose you (and/or bubs) and is having a tough time in bonding not only due to resentment but also fear. I’ve found talking about it helps but could you do a birth debrief with you both present? And could you try and do some things all together? Like bath/bed routine? Dad can give a bottle in the evening? Or as someone mentioned after baby is fed/content allow them some snuggle time? I’ve found that if someone else is holding baby and she starts fussing instead of just taking her back I’ll give suggestions and tell them “oh I’ve found she really likes this..” etc. so you’re not taking away from them being able to soothe/bond with baby, you aren’t coming off as telling them they aren’t capable. It’s a big adjustment for both of you on top of a traumatic event. You’re a team, remind him that you’re both in this together and you’re there for him too

Yeah agree seeing stuff online didn’t help me either! I kept seeing things saying ‘soon as I seem my husband/ boyfriend become a dad my love grow massively for them’ but mine didn’t as I struggled to why he wasn’t loving being a parent like I was. But yeah it does get so much better xx

Although only 8-10% of fathers suffer from it, they can experience the symptoms of postpartam depression & what you’re describing of your partner it seems that’s what’s happening.. It’s good he’s been able to confide in you & it’s understandable as you both had a traumatic time during birth. Keep communicating with one another, be open about your feelings & seek professional help if need be. This is a tough time, especially with a newborn. Sending you both the best of wishes 🫶🏻

I’ve been trying to get everything done and ready for when he gets home so we can just have dinner and chill out together and he can have some time holding him, unfortunately when he’s home from work seems to be the one time in the day when baby is the most fussy, he’s actually a very easy baby most of the time, I think he senses dads stress though and feeds off of that. I’m going to try and book into one of those birth reflections meetings I think, i do think a lot of it is the trauma, I had 4 days of contractions and then the baby’s heart rate was too high, but by the time they told us that c section was the best option I was just relieved and honestly just euphoric to finally meet our baby, I came out feeling very positive from the whole thing, I actually held his hand and tried to comfort him during my surgery because he was so overwhelmed and upset, I know this just shows how much he cares so I’m just thinking I need to give him more time and do all I can to make this easier

I had a similar experience and agree with the comments above. It def took time for my partner and I to adjust after an emergency c section too, first few weeks were pure survival. Wanted to say it sounds like you're doing brilliantly, your partner will get there, I do hope you get some comfort/answers from your birth reflection when you're ready. Congratulations on your baby boy 🩵 x

I had an emergency C-section and my husband stepped up and was probably the primary caretaker the first 48 hours and had no problem bonding. I think it's more than the birth itself, it sounds like he's being avoidant and would have regardless of how well the birth went. I don't know my he's behaving like that. Ask him?

I had to stay in hospital for the first 2 days and he wasn’t allowed to stay overnight, I felt like this robbed him a little of bonding time because I had to figure a lot of it out on my own when we should have been doing it together