I don't like my brother's girlfriend

To add, I hadn't seen him in over 5 years and we don't know when we'll next be able to see each other

I am curious on how old is everyone? And like do you live in like a cool place with lots of things to see? Did you discuss beforehand any plans? Or did you assume it was to agreed that it was meant to be family time? Not trying to make accusations or judge by any means just curious on the info to paint a clearer picture.

@Lyss I'm F28, my husband M30, my brother M20 and I think his gf is F19. We live in the UK and we did discuss some plans like taking them around the city centre and going to this market. We did all that but they would separate from us to do their own thing. I did tell them when they came to feel free to do their own thing sometimes but it's like every day 🙃🙃🙃

When she emotionally cheated, your brother confronted her with his suicidal feelings? What?

@Selena no, sorry. That was badly worded. Separate events. He struggles with depression as he's transgender, and one time she emotionally cheated on him

You told a 20 year old and a teenager that they can do their own thing. Oh they for sure are going to do their own thing! They are still kids essentially! They don’t care about family stuff at that age. It’s nothing personal. They are just doing their own thing as kids do. I mean hell the drinking age is even lower over there. I can imagine they just wanna have fun.

@Lyss I would understand that... If they drank or partied but they don't like either 😬 they went out to shop. On a weekday. where all shops close at 8 pm

@Lyss I think it's most upsetting that they spend most days locked in their room but then go out when we would've finally been able to hang out. Just feel like we got used as a free airbnb

They are babies. This is typical behavior for people their age. Sorry to tell ya

You kind of sound like the problem🥴 I mean I’m not saying you are because I’m not there, but why I say this is because you already decided you don’t like her before she even got there and I’m sure she can sense it now that she’s there. Even if you think you’re being nice, people can tell when others don’t like them. Therefore, she feels not welcome, maybe uncomfortable, and this was confirmed by your brothers text back to you. You really shouldn’t get emotionally involved in what goes on in HIS relationship. Her emotionally cheating or telling him go ahead, it’s just not really any of your business and to decide you don’t like her, how do you expect to have a good relationship with your brother moving forward? She’s the glue whether you like it or not.

@Denise this was very insightful! Never considered that maybe I was acting poorly towards her on a subconscious level. I really have been trying to make her feel welcome by cooking her foods according to what she actually likes (she doesn't like eggs or any sauces and certain textures). I'm not typically emotionally involved in my brother's relationships but I get worried when suicide is a possibility. I mean, he's my baby brother and I want to make sure he's safe

This kind of resonates with me a bit as my brother moved to Australia last year on a 3 year visa that he was supposed to be going traveling on, but he has stayed in the same place since he got there. My mum and I thought that he would definitely come back when his visa ran out, if not before. Except that, 3 months after he got there, he met someone & they have been together ever since. My sister doesn't think he will come back, though & doesn't think he should. We have both only spoken to his gf once, but my sister acts like they are best friends already, whereas I don't know the girl, so I'm not going to get too involved with her. I'm just hoping he comes back for Christmas this year, preferably on his own. So I get how you feel & why you are upset because I would be too if my brother came back for a visit but spent most of his time with his gf, who he already spends all his time with in another country.

I think you should have maybe told your brother that you wanted alone time with him as it has been 5 years. But anyway, his gf came and theyre 19 and 20. Unfortunately at that age...they're either in the room being physical (doesn't mean sexual) or they're out exploring on their own in a new place. That's to be expected. With that being said, just tell your bother that you'd like to hang out 1:1 with him. His gf can hang at the house and she can go walk around solo and do her own thing for a couple of hours. You and your brother can go out for lunch or breakfast.

My brother is 20 and I’m 29. He and I are literally as close as you could get as siblings. It’s like pulling teeth to even get him to reply to a text message let alone see him and he lives 15 minutes away. It’s just the age unfortunately, especially if there’s a girl involved.

I get it. You care about him of course: You can be there for him though when he needs you to be but she isn’t responsible for his suicidal thoughts. No matter what she did or will do/ what anyone else in his life did or will do, he is the only one responsible for his thoughts. Suicidal thoughts stem from problems with the self. Try to just judge her off of what happens between you and her. You might even like her.

You also never know why the ‘go ahead’ comment happened. Some people say things they shouldn’t or don’t mean when they’re emotionally wired. Not saying it’s right. Just saying, it’s not for you to judge.

19 days in your house?! Could they not have got a hotel for some of this? They both sound as odd as each other but appreciate you are trying your hardest as he’s family. I would enjoy the time together and just let it drift - your relationship with your brother will be what it will be

I feel like his behavior is pretty typical for his age. I have three younger brothers. But it’s a bummer he brought her because I’m sure it would have been a much different experience.

My brother lives in the US and we live in the UK. We take it in turns to visit and to make it affordable we stay at each other’s house for extended periods. We all get along, us and our partners, and have kids of a similar age. Even then it can be hard staying in someone else’s home for a long time. I feel like you are in a much more difficult situation if you haven’t seen your brother in 5 years (when he was still a child) and now you are at completely different stages in your life. It was always going to be tough. I don’t think this is his girlfriend’s fault so blaming her isn’t going to help.

Think you’re being too involved in their relationship. You don’t know ins and outs, but you’ve already made judgement. Which is understandable too because that’s your little brother. But don’t ruin things by doing that because unfortunately he has his own life and probably loves her and would pick her, as you’d pick your husband

I absolutely understand how you feel and I do see your point if view, you are right to be frustrated. However more things can be true as the same time. Starting from 18 or so kids and young adults that crave independence, particularly if they have a partner. Personally, when I visited my boyfriends family for the first time I was around that age as well and I was not comfortable in interacting with his family, even if they were nice to me. They were not my fam and I had nothing to do with them so yes, we used their home as Airbnb so we could save money on hotel. The last thing on my mind was to spend time with them. I felt always awkward being near them as again for me they were just strangers and whenever we would chat a be we would have different opinions which made it more awkward. After years now we get along pretty well and I love spending time with them, but it took a while. I would suggest to tell your brother that you miss him and you want some 1:1 time with him.

Thanks everyone. Just wanted to add that I have told him ages ago that I wanted one on one time and he agreed but nothing's actually happened because I can't seem to catch him at a time when he's free. Even though he's on vacation 😭 idk I'm obviously gonna play nice and try to work this out with his gf even though I've thought that that's what I've been doing. Maybe I'm not doing enough

I think it's normal behavior for their age. Also staying for so long into a family with a newborn and all the moving energy around is hard. You have other focus and that's totally normal. I think they shouldn't have visited so early in motherhood. Especially if visits are so unusual. The gf is not the issue here. There's a huge context around. Also for the cheating, your brother seems to know it. If he decided to forgive her and move on, so should you in respect for his own decisions.

I’m 27, my little brother (not so little) is 21 and has a girlfriend who is a year or two younger (has been single almost his whole life 😅). You’re just looking out for him which I’m sure all big sister do. There’s been mix reviews about his girlfriend that I’ve heard from other siblings but I personally never really talk/hang out with her to really judge her on that. My brother and I were on and off being close and due to recent family drama, I have told him that we should talk more and hang out, ect,. We (my little family and I) recently met up with him and his girlfriend then went out to eat before we head back home (live an hour away) as we were in town doing some Easter pictures. I do have an awkward vibe when I’m around her.. I am also upfront and honest with my brother. I had a talk w/him as he and his girlfriend already talking about marriage.. & have been dating for about 6 months now (?)… 😬😬 I would talk to him privately alone and tell him how you feel.

Unfortunately, at 20 & 19 they're kids, so it's not surprising that they're being selfish tbh, I know I was at that age! Totally get how it's upsetting for you though!

Talked to them and apparently a lot of their issues stemmed from cultural differences between Americans and British people. All is well now (even if the gf told me that she found me annoying and overstimulating)😬

Honestly, I'm an only child and don't enjoy siblings like you. I give my husband all the space he needs for his siblings because people with siblings tend to be entitled, judgemental, and self-centered in these situations.The reality is, she's probably aware of your dislike for her and is trapped in your unwelcoming home in another country. The way that I was raised, I would consider you a terrible host and be uncomfortable in your home as well. If your brother doesn't even know your husband or know him well, maybe this really should have been a solo trip or maybe he's not comfortable with your husband like you're not comfortable with his girlfriend. What exactly are you doing to host them or making them feel welcomed? Giving her a chance ain't it, and no one gave the authority to make her disposable in his life anyway, nor can you have the relationship with your brother that she can, so your boundaries are misaligned. They should've stayed in a hotel.

@Yâbbie we had a talk today and she told me that the reason why she stays away is because she finds me annoying sounding and overstimulating and that I should talk less

I'm so glad that you were able to do that! Peace is so achievable with communication, but it's always harder for the outsider to set any kind of pace in these situations. I hope that you get to spend more time with your brother while you still can!

Omg she’s rude isn’t she then

I think she probably sensed you already didn't like her and that's caused her to be uncomfortable (enough for your brother to notice) also their ages have a lot to do with it, that's what I'd expect of people at their ages. I think messaging him has probably pushed him further away and closer to her as he will feel the need to defend her more so as she's the one he's with and being made to feel uncomfortable. It's unlikely he will want to visit again if he/they feel uncomfortable too so it's a losing battle really. I mean they can do as they please and go out together if they want surely as they are visiting and on holiday but shouldn't be made to feel they can only stay if they do what you have put on the schedule for them. I think if you wanted to do certain things you should have considered and talked about this before he came over. I also think it might be a good idea to make a suggestion of you all to go out somewhere and try have a nice time otherwise you will push your brother further away.

Why haven't you seen him in 5 years? Have you ever gone to where he lives ? Or suggested it?

@Kirsty complicated family abuse situation with my parents