Is it time to move on?

Gosh I feel this to my core, please let me know when you find the answer. My now ex-husband had awful depression after our son was born, but hid it and turned to drink and drugs behind my back. Completely neglected me at my most vulnerable and I ended up kicking him out. We lost the house we loved, the friendships we built around us, everything. I filed for divorce but we've still remained great friends and he's very clearly changed and got help for those problems and I've helped him through it too. He'd love to start fresh and show all the signs he's absolutely the man he should have been. However, I'm so bitter and resentful towards him because of the past. I'm at a loss at what is best. Feel free to message me to rant x

That’s a struggle. I’m so sorry. My hubby also had PPD and it prompted him to become a doula-specifically to help Dads avoid this. 😩☹️

Firstly I’m sorry that this is happening and completely empathise with you. Please don’t feel isolated, this is common and normal, I had a very similar experience.Ive been having therapy and it has massively helped so hopefully the tools they’ve given me will help you.So what’s important is to recognise that you do love them and want them, this means that you want it to work. The WANT is important. If there was no want you wouldn’t be making the effort or even asking the question.You have to love yourself, you can’t express love for others if you bully yourself for feeling this way, what you’re going through is bloody hard.Give each other time, I don’t mean spending time together I mean these things take longer to heal than they did to break so be patient and understanding I know easier said than done sorry, positive affirmations are important.Both of you have to recognise you each have a part to play in the healing journey but its not 50/50 all the time Ignore negative social media

Are you actually being serious about possibly leaving him? That would be like him leaving you because you have post partum depression 🙄

@Rachel he was abusive… wtf

I would be heartbroken if my husband left me while struggling with postpartum, we ourselves can be very cruel and neglectful during this time and I’d hope he’d give me some grace, so I would give him the same.

@Marina he had post partum depression, that is why. He wouldn't have been abusive otherwise. It was only verbal anyway. Not enough to leave someone over 😒

@Rachel what a ridiculous comment.

@Rachel your comments show a serious lack of knowledge of abusive behaviours. "It's only emotional". Firstly that's often how other forms of abuse starts. Even if it doesn't progress it completely wears you down as an individual, leaves you doubting yourself at your core. It's shocking to me that you can dismiss and minimize it so easily. And having PPD is not an excuse for his behaviour at all, many people experience PPD and are not abusive to their partners https://www.thehotline.org/resources/what-is-emotional-abuse/ https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/hope-for-relationships/202405/the-damaging-effects-of-emotional-abuse https://www.thehotline.org/resources/abuse-and-mental-illness-is-there-a-connection/#:~:text=Abuse%20and%20mental%20illness%20can,are%20healthy%20and%20supportive%20partners.

@Rachel i don’t think it’s up to you what is “enough” to leave someone. It doesn’t matter if he had ppd, the things you do can’t magically be erased because you had a mental illness. Ridiculous idea.

Have a lot of conversations about it

So you all would be fine if your partners left you for having post partum depression then obviously 🙄

@Rachel you're missing the point. It's not the PPD it's the abuse.

@Rebecca thank you for this advice, I appreciate you taking the time. It's true, the wanting part is so important and I really need to start focusing on that

And of course I'm not leaving him because of ppd, I would be leaving because he had ripped me apart and it affects my son. The PPD isn't something that you can just endure through, I have to think about my wellbeing too

@Rachel yes if I was abusive, I would expect my partner to potentially leave me

@Francesca I commend your courage, that must have be so tough. It's heartbreaking to think he has recovered now but the damage is deep

I hear you say that counseling is not an option because of money, but it’s a hell of a lot cheaper than divorce. Many clinics offer sliding scale for lower income families. There’s also tons of self paced couples therapy workbooks you could purchase and work through together. If he’s made changes, takes accountability for his past behavior, and is committed to the relationship, I would work on my own hurts and focus on forgiveness.