What wold be your interpretation of this comment from your husband?
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Of all things that could have been said, he chose to say that as a compliment 😳🤐
He also makes comments about things I can’t change in my appearance like “elf ears” (which he also claims is a compliment but if I think of elf ears I think of massive f*ck-off big Halloween costume ears?) my ears are small and normal shaped but it has affected how I wear my hair as I don’t want him saying it anymore. And “masculine shoulders” which i apparently have which nobody has ever negatively commented about in my life. Or said anything at all about. I’m wanting to head back to a part time job soon where I’ll speak to people on a regular basis outside of him and family and my self esteem and confidence is in a hole in the ground somewhere.
You should tell him about negging. Send him an article about it and say this is what you’re doing. Stop it. It’s not kidding or appreciating you for who you are, it’s negging and it’s a manipulation tactic.
He was shouting at me, wagging his finger right in my face this afternoon because I told him not to talk to me like he was. I used some choice language and left the room. When he then finally came into the room I was in I said to him: “don’t ever wag your finger in my al face again”. He completely and utterly denied he’d done that. Which I thought was absolutely unbelievable, really. He’s gaslit me before but this attempt was just ridiculous. I can’t believe he thinks I’m that stupid.
@Jelena husband in every way but the paperwork. Haven’t had an actual wedding but have been together 8 years but as time goes on recently I’m quite glad with not being married to the man.
Well yes, if he’s an abusive narcissist, you have to leave. Call the hotline and make a plan. Just focus on your plan and protecting yourself until you can get out. Don’t try to reason with him or fix things.
He’s never been physically abusive and I’m not scared of him but I know that this way of behaving toward me is just not right. I’ve encouraged him in so many areas and surely he’s meant to also be my biggest cheerleader? I’m all for banter and humour but I also know he doesn’t do it with that intention. Even then, there’s some things you just don’t joke about. He’s also made comments about “settling” for me which make me feel really shitty. Then plays it off as a “joke”. I often reverse it on him and say: “wow, you really dated below your league, picking somebody with manly shoulders and elf ears like me. You can’t think much of yourself”. If I don’t want intimacy he calls me “frigid” and makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me. Then sulks. And will be rude to me. It puts so much pressure on me saying yes that I haven’t enjoyed it for quite some time.
Yeah, honestly, I wouldn't stay with someone like this...
He said that? I'd ask him to explain how I'd be considered used goods to someone else....and then let him explain and ask if he fucking heard himself. Because wtf.
Thats horrible! I'm so sorry. You're not married so he is trying to psychologically keep you in the absolute depths of insecurity so you can never have the strength or courage to leave him. He's probably scared you will leave him. Other than the connection of a child/ren, there's really nothing keeping you there. It would be pretty easy to leave without the need for divorce lawyers etc. You should definitely keep standing up for yourself nonatter the response which constinues to tell you subconsciously that you arent what he's trying to convince you you are. And you know what i bet if you leave him you will in time most certainly find an actual man. Because what you're dealing with right now is a man child.
I think he just doesn’t know how to compliment 🤣. I can see he meant well but delivered it awfully . Tell him he needs to work on his compliments
@Chloe have you had a look at the additional info the OP has put in the comments? Not too sure he means well at all.
@C I told his younger brother (who hasn’t yet had a long term relationship) and even he immediately went: “what is wrong with you bruv?” And had a go at my partner for being a “rude little bastard” - younger brothers are wonderful at reminding big brothers that they really aren’t “all that”. They had an argument about it. My partners younger brother reminded him “you’re an ugly bastard and should be grateful for having a partner that clearly loves you. Stop being so rude” 😂 he’s a great little ally when my partners been rude and loves an opportunity to have a pop at him 😂 normally embarrasses my partner enough that he back-pedals from whatever he’s said and tries to explain how he “didn’t mean it badly”. But some things just can’t be taken back
@Vee I haven’t just based my comment on OP but yh he seems v weird
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Depends on the context. If he's blunt about everything, he's thinking about immature men and how they think and subsequently miss out on having a good woman. If he knows how to give a more civil compliment, no it doesn't look good.
Basically trying to tell you no one else would like you so you should be grateful for him🤮
and as far as the ear and shoulder comment, trying to make you feel insecure so you’ll appreciate that he still wants to be with you despite these things. (Things that probably don’t even exist but he’s gaslighting you to think they do).
The comments about him settling for you, that’s another way to try and make you feel grateful for him. Jokes are not mean.
He basically is saying that he thinks no one else would love you which is exceptionally fucked up imo. He doesn’t know shit
There seems to be ongoing attempts to put you down, that is not love, nor basic respect.
And I am actually surprised at the almost 40% who says he might mean well...
You deserve so much more than this. He sounds like a scumbag.
My ex was like this making it out nobody else will have you but I’m doing you a good deed by being with you? Hell no never ever let a man make you feel unworthy! In my experience he never changed and I stayed with him for 10 years, always putting me down, commenting on my appearance. If a man truly loves you he makes you feel worthy and beautiful full stop.
“Used goods”? 🤮 Are you a secondhand washing machine? No normal person would EVER describe another person like that. He knew exactly what he was doing when he said that. Also just because he’s not physically abusive doesn’t mean he’s a good man. You are experiencing psychological and emotional abuse. In a lot of ways worse than physical abuse as it stays with you for years.
Also by him commenting on your ears/back etc he’s purposely trying to create a complex in order to wear your self-esteem down. He’s clever in that he’s chosen not your usual features to destroy you, but things that are barely noticeable so you’ll start to feel even more insecure. Think about it, if he’d said your nose was crooked and you knew it wasn’t, you’d likely brush it off as him being a dick and think nothing of it. But he’s mentioned your back and ears and now you might be thinking, are they masculine/stick out? And you’ll catch yourself looking at them for longer trying to see what he sees. Making you wonder if people have always thought that but been too kind to say anything. Make you change your clothes to baggy ones so your back isn’t showing. Never wear your hair up because now you’re self-conscious. See? It’s insidious behaviour and disgusting. He knows what he’s doing. You ARE in an abusive relationship. It’s time for you to seek help and leave.
Umm what? Used goods???
@Tiff that was my thought. It’s very much a way to describe an object, not a human being.
What a disgusting comment....you're not an object.
That's lile the equivalent of telling a man its not big but its the perfect size for me
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@Nikki exactly! And not that it matters but he’s the only person I’ve ever been with 🤣 so if anyone has decreased my “value” it’s from being with him - so he’s just projecting insecurities at this point
I don’t know where this effed up view of women’s value in a relationship being their relationship history comes from but it needs to go. And it’s certainly not the mindset I’ll be raising my daughter around.
This is the furthest thing from a compliment I’ve ever heard….me and my partner do have a lot of banter and say stupid things but this is disgusting. Seriously, what an AH. Xx
Wtf. I guess if by “used goods” he means an asset to a better person. Women are the literal apex of creation and we’ve been programmed to virtually hate and devalue ourselves by men for their consumption.
Incog the fact that you said he’s the only person you’ve ever been with makes this even worse! So he’s calling you “used goods” when you haven’t even had sex with anyone else?? 🤯 He’s definitely doing it on purpose because what in the actual fuck. Also another reason you should leave, if he’s this insane calling you such things, your daughter will be next. He’ll start commenting on her too and coming up with random shit to make her insecure. Imagine if he said to her she was used goods but daddy still loved her, with the implication that being “used goods” was coming out of your vagina!
Did you say he’s your husband? Trash