How do I approach this?
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If you're a SAHM you should have access to the family money (i.e. his salary) just like he does. You shouldn't have to ask! I'd have left when he took a loan out without your knowledge tbh but I've got history there and will not tolerate financial abuse of any kind.
@Caroline, I knew about the loan, I didn't know about the amount. He had agreed to sit down and go through our finances and such, but that hasn't happened yet.
I don’t know how long you have been together for, but my partner actually gives me a certain amount of money every month. He knows I don’t work, I’m a stay at home mum to our we have two kids. 2 yr old and a 4 month old. Im looking to going back to work from January, I’m looking forward to earning my own money again. I hate asking for money. I don’t have any income so I rely solely on him. He should be the one to give you money to support you and the kids. Days out, clothes etc.
Yea definitely sit down and go over both of your finances. I’m sure it was agreed between both of you that you would stay home with your child and with that agreement, he is the one financially providing for the family and you shouldn’t feel bad about that. Look at what is left after bills and necessities and speak about having a bit of money for yourself (self care is very important for our mental health). I would have all monthly outgoings coming out of one account so the overdrafting doesn’t happen and you both have visibility of it.
Before I quit my job, my husband and I had a very serious conversation about this. My mom was a SAHM and never had access to the money. So it was a big deal to me. All money is my money too. We both have equal access to it because we are partners and staying home benefits us all. If my husband would not have agreed or had any push back, I would not have quit my job. I suggest having this conversation with your husband. And if he is not okay with it, I would go back to work. I watched my mom my whole life deal with financial abuse and it was not great
It’s time to revisit the SAHM conversation with your husband. If he’s too stressed then maybe you can do DoorDash on the side to get a little pocket money for yourself. He does make good money for not having to pay rent, childcare, and only having one car. So I would also sit down with finances and see exactly where all the money is going. Whether you work or not you should still be included in the finances. His procrastination on that is giving me shady vibes. I’d demand it immediately. You should also have a joint account where he transfers money into monthly for bills and expenditures. If you do not have an income bills should not be coming out of your account. Just because he makes the money doesn’t mean he’s good with money. If he doesn’t trust his wife enough to relinquish that control to her then why are you even married?
I second the allowance. My husband gives me a set amount of money as well as enough to pay my car payment, and 2 credit card bills (not a lot for debt, we use them for vacations and such). Now if I want something pricey, I usually ask for it directly rather than spend the allowance on it, so that he’s involved and it doesn’t look like I’m just blowing said money. As well as large baby items, travel system etc. just because he makes the money as above doesn’t mean he’s good with it. As well as it not being just his. If he allowed and it was a choice for you to be at home right now, then he should help you.
Where is that money going? The two of you need to sit down and write out a budget. You need equal access to the money. It sound like your man may need financial education too.
Are you married?
@EmilyGrace, been together almost 6 years. It feels awful relying on someone else.
@Haley, oh, I'm looking for work. This wasn't planned. I lost my job.
@Alyson, we aren't married, but I agree with everything you've said. I don't drive, so door days wouldn't work. I'm working on getting my license and also looking for work.
@Alexis, it wasn't really a choice. I lost my job. As a result, we made the choice to remove my son from childcare. I'm looking for work. This is only temporary.
@Anna, oh I'll be forcing a sit down for both of us.
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@Denise, no, but we are considered de facto. We've been together for nearly 6 years.
I’ve been with my partner for 7 years and it was a decision we made together. Was cheaper than childcare. I hate relying on him but I don’t have a choice. We’re a family unit and if he didn’t give me any money, I’d be stuck at home not doing anything. he wouldn’t do the food shops/go out and buy stuff the kids need etc. He pays for my car stuff so mot/tax/insurance etc as I have no job. When I go get a job again I’ll start to pay for myself again. I’m getting my hair done in August and that won’t be coming out of my allowance. If I need anything I just ask for it. He knows I hate to ask. We struggle some months, like this month is one but we just have to budget. The fact her earns good money he should be supporting you and your child/children. Giving you a set amount each month. I’d sit down and have a proper conversation about it. Because otherwise this relationship won’t work/last. Good luck x
@EmilyGrace, thank you. He always sends me money when I ask, but I absolutely hate having to always ask. I'll definitely be bringing it up. I understand he is stressed about money, but I don't think he considers that I am, too.
Everyone sure is stressed over money, but as long as you work together everything will be alright. Always here if you ever wanna rant. I love to rant. Xx
Just to clarify; I am not entitled to any benefits, he earns over $100,000, we don't pay rent, have 1 child, and currently, our biggest expenditure is $500 a month on our car.