Venting

I’ve been feeling really alone in my marriage lately. I asked my husband if we could have sex at least once a week to feel more connected. He agreed, and we did it once. Since then, he hasn’t initiated again. When we do have sex, it’s okay. Sometimes even great. But I find myself getting emotional during it because that’s the only time I feel truly wanted or desirable, when I give myself to him like that. It doesn’t feel like I am loved unconditionally. We’ve been married for 4 years and together for 6. Sometimes I feel like I married the first person who ever truly showed interest in me, out of fear that no one else ever would. And now I sit with this quiet ache, wishing I had the kind of strong, loving relationship I see others have even though I know I’m only seeing the surface. I remind myself that comparison is the thief of joy, but it’s hard not to wonder what could have been. We’ve had a really rough transition into parenthood (traumatising delivery and intense postpartum depression) and it’s taken a toll, not just between us but with his family too. There were situations where I didn’t feel protected by him and that’s been hard to move past. All of that created distance and we’ve had a handful of serious conversations about divorce. We’re not disrespectful or toxic with each other and when we do talk about separating, he usually ends up crying. This has happened about four times over the past two years. He’s a great dad. I don’t think he’s a bad person. But I can’t shake this feeling that maybe I married the wrong person. I guess I’m just grieving the version of love I hoped for and wondering if I’ll ever feel truly cherished in this marriage. Has anyone else been in a similar place and come out stronger? Or even just found peace, whether you stayed or left?

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Following because I have been feeling similarly, like I wish I had waited for a compassionate caring man, and don't get me wrong my husband is an amazing father and husband in terms of keeping a house and being a great friend to me. However, he never initiates affection unless it's for sex after me asking for casual hugs or touches thousands of times, and he shuts down my emotions without realizing it. We have been to therapy and while it somewhat helped it came down to us realizing our faults and working on them. Things have been a bit better between us since both focusing on working on them and not just one of us doing so. I was blind to how my reactions and tone and other things affected how he would be towards me, and he is *starting* to not be as defensive to my emotions and talking through it occasionally

I would recommend you both Read (or listen) to “How to not let kids ruin your sex life” it’s about love language and how to feel more connected as a couple during parenthood. It’s not about just having more sex, it has questions you go through with your partner to help you both understand one another. It really helped me and my hubby see eye to eye on being connected

@Alissa It really helps to know I’m not alone in feeling this way. I can relate so much to what you said about craving casual affection and feeling shut down emotionally. It’s hard when you feel like you’re asking for something that should come naturally in a loving relationship. I really respect that you both went to therapy and are working on things together. We also did but I’m not entirely sure it has done anything. Maybe I’m expecting too much change in a short time. I think healing isn’t about fixing one person, but both partners being willing to reflect and grow. I’m still figuring out how to navigate that with my husband, especially since I’ve often felt like I’m the only one bringing this stuff up. Your comment gave me hope that maybe things can shift, even slowly, if both people are willing.

@Chloé Collier Thank you so much for the recommendation. I haven’t heard of that one but it sounds like exactly what we need right now. I’m definitely going to check it out and hopefully bring it to my husband gently.

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