Losing our shit with our teen

My mom would take my rooms door off the hinges. She’d let me hang a tapestry up to replace the door but I lived most my teen years with no solid door on my bedroom because I had an issue with slamming doors. Not saying this is the case for your daughter just sharing my experience; I went unsuspected of being autistic until i was 19 years old, didn’t get a diagnosis til I was 23, but all my “anger issues” were actually meltdowns and outbursts from feeling unheard and chronically misunderstood. I’m autistic with a pda profile, I also have bpd, a lot of people feel they were misdiagnosed as someone with bpd when really they’re just autistic, unfortunately in my case, it’s straight up both.

Pls don’t take this as she’s just a bad kid She isn’t acting out for no reason something has or is going on in her life you don’t know about (I could be wrong but to me it seems that way)

@Parker 又 ALL OF THIS!! I had the exact same behavior. This screams either autism, BPD, CPTSD, or something along those lines or a mixture of both. I got CPTSD and BPD from chronic emotional neglect, this type of punishment style (taking things, removing privacy almost entirely which I wasn’t allowed a tapestry, a very highly controlled environment, etc..) and I. Am. A MESS mentally now at 27 because of all of this. C-PTSD, all of the BPD traits, Autism/ADHD suspicion, developmental trauma, religious trauma (using religion to justify corporal punishment, forced to go to church which is a violation of autonomy for teens, etc..), and emotional parentification. I was in an unstable, emotionally void environment. From the outside looking in our family was fine and well behaved but behind closed doors it was a disaster, especially on the emotional side. My upbringing made it to where I masked so well my internal struggles because I knew no one cared that not even professionals saw anything.

You actually need to be her best friend. Not Authority. This is where your going wrong

This is just my opinion, I hope it doesn’t cause offence as I’m only giving it because you’ve shared this post. Experimenting with drinking and smoking, being moody, being rude to your siblings, exploring your sexuality, making mistakes (even massive ones) etc are part of being 15! For a lot of people, definitely for me and most of the people I knew growing up. My parents had cameras in our rooms, would take our phones and monitor what we did, would punish us and acted like we were the devils spawn, and all it did was make me resent them and try to be more secretive and I didn’t trust them and felt like they hated me. I can imagine it’s really tough going through this with her as you’re frustrated with her behaviour, but I think you’re not going to get anywhere sending her away. I think the best way to get through to her and keep her safe is to build a relationship based on mutual trust and respect, and also let her figure her own life out as much as possible (within reason).

Wasn’t until I was 24 that I realized something was deeply wrong, more deep than my regular GAD and MDD diagnosis which ended up just being comorbid symptoms to a much much much deeper problem. Plus I never went to a trauma informed counselor and I went to dozens of counselors who were all shit now looking back in hindsight. Now that I’m 27 and my mental health has continued to decline from these long standing unresolved and undiagnosed issues I’ve had to do it all myself, without support, without my mom and grandmother looking back and actually being self aware enough to actually see the damage and massive contribution they had in my issues and it was because it’s what their parents did to them and didn’t have my issues so they saw nothing wrong with it…unfortunately my natural temperament was just right to continue to fight back instead of mentally shut down and put a wall up like they did (which was the driving factor to the emotional neglect they did).

Therapy, communication with both parents and unconditional love is all she needs. Boundaries are fine but sending her away is the wrong message. Family counseling is good too and involve the school. She needs you now more than ever.

You can actually see down to my bloodwork and brain structures how it affected me in such a profound and chronic way that my body has actually adapted to chronic stress since infancy (in utero and born distressed which started it, cry it out method was used which exasperated it, and then the rest). I’ve even got systemic inflammation— including neuroinflammation from it which can be seen plain as day on my bloodwork and the fact that my developmental trauma from that emotional neglect actually screwed up my hormones so bad I had fertility problems and they were contributing to my behavior— but no one thought to check 🫠 it also messed with my vitamins in a sense that my body couldn’t absorb vitamins properly due to it nearly always being stuck in fight/flight despite looking mature and well behaved (parented through fear and threats of taking away items). My functional doctor is thinking all of this including the inflam. started at birth and never really got the chance to fully recover

One thing is you can never be your child’s friend but you also gotta be able to let them Come to you and talk. One thing I’ve work on with my kids is “if it’s going to make me upset, give me a warning, when I’m Ready I’ll listen” helps me prepare. Helps me react. Sometimes even sending them for a week, like a week in the summer could help. A break from each other could be needed. Do what you feel is best. I’m sorry you’re going thru this. Don’t give up. You got this momma!

It took them 27 years and me searching for a doctor who genuinely gave a fuck to check my vitamins, hormones, and thyroids in conjunction with a CBC blood draw to be able to see the entire picture that my body was under extreme stress and had high inflammation 😒 and of course my mom was more worried about “dealing” with my behavior in a discipline sense, her work, and her problems and taking care of everyone else rather than thinking something bigger and more covert was going on in my body and mind and getting me the help I needed when I needed it the most and now I’m suffering the consequences of her inaction and inattentiveness to the real situation financially, mentally, and physically. Luckily I’ve found some place to help me but it’s a long and intensive road to recovery at this point since it’s been so long.

@SK1RR❤️ that's how we started out. But once she started high-school & hanging out with a certain crowd it's like she just hated me overnight. Only time she talks nicely to me is when she asks for money & if I say no or give her less than shes asking for it's fuck you, I hate you or im a bitch.

@Roz she got kicked of of school for smoking in the bathroom. We tried family counseling but she literally goes mute. So we just put her in therapy so at least she's talking to someone. It's just exhausting bc we have 4 other kids & everday shes screaming & yelling about how she hates this family & things like she hopes the house burns down when we're sleeping like i hate that my younger kids have to hear things like that.

It sounds like she’s in a prison. What’s the point in her behaving if everything has been taken away from her? It sounds like she has no life and I can imagine it must be pretty depressing. Do you know what’s triggered the behaviour? Maybe work on her getting her privileges back. Giving her some kind of hope. Spending time with her and building up her self confidence. That said I’m not the one living in the situation.

@Lauren we dont spank or hit our kids & never would. My husband & I were beat a lot as kids & decided that's not how we want to raise our kids. As far as church she's been going to youth group every Friday since she was 12 & loves it & we go every Sunday as a family. Everyone has to go on Sunday but she chooses to go to youth group bc she enjoys it & has friends there. She does have a blackout curtain where her door was for a little more privacy. We had to remove the door bc she would lock it & blast her music or TV at 1, 2,3am & we have younger kids who shed wake up. We broke the bank & spent $6,000 getting her tested & a full blood panel everything came back fine. We don't know what else to do

There’s a book that might be helpful, I wish my mom had found it sooner, it’s called “the declarative language handbook”, very helpful for dealing with teens even without pda or odd diagnoses on paper lol

@Karen it started once she was in high-school & hanging around certain friends. We try giving her privileges backs but it's always something. We had to remove most of her stuff in her room bc she'd throw it so hard there's so many holes in her wall that we gave up on patching them up. & we gave her phone back & 2 days later she gets suspended again for cyber bullying. If I'm not giving her money or taking her to meet friends she doesn't want anything to do with me. We tell her what she can do to earn our trust back & its "fuck you im gonna do what I want if you dont like it call the police idc" I swear she says that at least twice a day. I have no idea what's triggering her?! Lastnight we were getting ready for dinner & i asked if she wants to eat with us bc she usually takes her food to her room & she said "you could all fuck off & die" .When the younger kids are around the last thing we want is a screaming match back & forth or her yelling & cursing so we just brush it off to keep her from exploding

You said you had 4 children, even though you don’t do corporal punishment and there’s no religious trauma or anything of that sort, and you saying you got beat as a child, are you genuinely 100% sure you haven’t unintentionally been emotionally unavailable. It’s extremely covert but common in trauma survivors who experienced it and with the right temperament a child can be just as damaged and sometimes worse with emotional neglect than just physical neglect or abuse. I’m having to go to a therapy to teach me how to genuinely be emotionally there for my children because I have no idea how to truly be that and I can only imagine it would be a thousand times harder to do when your attention is split between 4 kids and other responsibilities. Sounds like she resents the family, may feel as though no one cares and the only things that show you do are money and her friends give her more attention. My true behavioral problems like this didn’t come up until Highschool as well. Wrong crowd too.

@Ari at first I felt like her behavior was normal teenage girl stuff but it just started getting out of hand. She's not just mean to her siblings she's cruel. The things she says are so cruel like she's purposely trying to breakdown their self confidence. She was making fun of her 6yr old brother for wearing a pink shirt & calling him gay & a f****t till he cried. We got her condoms & offered birth control so she could at least practice safe sex but she said it's her body & she can "do whatever, whoever, & whenever". Ik her behavior isn't the worst but it's bad. Last week she got upset & was pushing me bc I wouldn't give her her phone. That night we saw her on the camera letting our family dog loose outside & we still haven't found him.

I'm not here to judge an authoritative parenting style. If you feel the punishment-heavy method is right for your child, go ahead. But the fact that her behavior goes beyond wild teenager antics and includes emotional abuse towards siblings and classmates is not okay. You need to find a way to get to the bottom of why she is bullying people because her acting out is probably because of a trauma she has experienced or an aspect of life that she is missing. Risky behavior makes her feel invincible and in control of her life. It makes her feel like an adult and a child all at the same time. For example, She's having sex, an adult thing, but she's also doing it recklessly, like a child who can't understand consequences. There is a time and a place for discipline, and you can still have it, but I bet there is something that has not been addressed, like a trauma, a mental illness, or a neurodivergence.

This doesn’t really sound like normal teenager behavior to me. It almost sounds like she is desperate for attention even if it’s negative. Therapy won’t help much if she doesn’t try. Do you spend one on one time with her? Could she be depressed?