Living with ADHD partner

Does he take any medication to support his adhd? I only ask because you’re literally describing me pre-meds🤣 I would start 4/5 different tasks because my brain is so loud with everything that needs doing that I see and also time blindness! We’d be ready to leave and I’ll see bottles that need washing in my brain that’s a quick one minute job when actually it’s a 10 minute job! Since being on medication my brain isn’t going a million miles an hour and I can actually get things done properly without starting multiple things or delaying what I’m supposed to be doing by doing another task e.g we needed to leave by 10.30 for an appointment on my way upstairs I see crumbs on the floor so my mind is completely switched from my initial task of going upstairs and getting ready it’s like I’ve complete forgot what I was going to do because I’ve seen the floor needs hoovering x

@Leona he was medicated as a child, so I’ve been told, but as he’s gotten older, and obviously no longer cared for by his mother, he decided against medication and is incredibly against it still. I’ve attempted the conversation with him over speaking to a doctor, possibly discussing medication, but he’s very dismissive of it and shuts it down quickly.

I could have written this myself. I completely sympathise with you because it's HARD! What I then find exhausting is, after they've had their meltdown or lost their temper, it then becomes my responsibility to help defuse the situation and help regulate him. But by that time I'm angry, frustrated and annoyed with him and don't particularly want to

There are ways to manage adhd without medication but it takes a lot of self awareness, willingness, dedication and grace! Is he self aware enough to work on it without meds? Trust you to hold him accountable? Are you able to give him grace when you see he's trying? If not it's only going to continue to drive you bonkers!

I have ADHD and I am unmedicated because I’m breastfeeding and I can’t really afford it but medication changed my life when I did go on it. Like if you guys can afford it I 100% recommend it

@Francesca “exhausting” “frustrated” all words I would use to describe living this reality, hit the nail right on the head! I just wish I could better understand the mind of someone the polar opposite to mine, and maybe then I could better my chances of helping so that we can live a less chaotic life.

He needs to own up to it. He needs to admit it and seek help with CBT if not meds. Otherwise he’s just outsourcing his problem on you, a person who doesn’t have the power to solve it for him. Only he, as an adult, can manage his own mental health. One thing I do is get me and my baby all ready and say ok, we’re gonna go play outside/load up the car and then he knows we’re down there waiting for him and he can experience the consequence of his own behavior (people waiting on him) instead of staying in the house as he runs around, making him feel like “we’re all late.” He is late. And that’s for him to self reflect and work on.

Male and female ADHD often presents different but for me I get very agitated very easily and I get overstimulated very quickly. And when I do, I feel like I’m gonna blow up. I also have an extremely hard time with time management. I’ve had to learn to add an additional hour to my getting ready time to be able to be on time to anything. I don’t have a lot of advice on how to fix it or cope with your partner but maybe try to first understand that none of it is a choice and it’s much worse for us. I wept like a baby the first time I took Adderall because I remember my brain just being so calm for the first time in my whole life. I didn’t realize how my reality wasn’t normal. I’m constantly exhausted from trying to self regulate and be normal that I have barely anything left to offer others

@Jen aware of how bad his ADHD is? Yes. Aware of what he’s doing when he’s doing it and able to recognise it? No. I think he holds a lot of resentment and stubbornness for being medicated as a child, and in his eyes not feeling “himself” while on meds.

*I’m not like all mad at him in the driveway—in fact, it’s going outside that keeps me from getting mad. Another thing I do is when I need him home to watch the baby if I have an appointment or something, I tell him to be home a full 30 minutes before I actually actually have to leave. Then when he’s late, I’m not disappointed and furious.

@Grayson yes this is definitely something we do, we spend a hell of a lot of time just waiting around for him, but even then I don’t believe he fully understands or realises as he’s always running on his own timeframe.

@Grayson haha that actually made me laugh a little as I do exactly the same, telling him we need to be somewhere for a certain time when really it’s around 45 mins later, just because I know we’ll be late and that way we’re more on time.

My fiancé has ADHD and not that lo ago decided to go off his medication and the amount of arguments/chaos like he didn’t think his tablets were working until that week. I completely sympathise because it’s like being a parent to two kids, but I have to be a bit of a drill sergeant and write the plan and sort of make it happen essentially. I know you’ve said he’s dead against medication but what about therapy?

@Liv therapy has never been discussed, I doubt he’d be much interested in it, but I could definitely hedge the question.

adhd is tough. its even tougher when the person with it doesn’t accept or acknowledge it and does nothing to improve… i have adhd and my time management skills are shit. i often have to set reminders for myself or write out to do lists and put them places where i’m forced to look at them. medication has helped me greatly, i would see if that’s a conversation you could have again. good luck to you!

I take edibles and that helps. Also making lists. I accept that I get distracted easy so I try to have a main goal and get that accomplished. Ya I’ll do 100 other things but I try not to have too much on my plate to get done. I’ll always say I’ll do X Y and Z but only get one of those things done and start other things. When I know I have to leave the house I’ll get ready hours before I need to because I know I’ll get side tracked. Some days are better than others. I try to work with it not against it but everyone is different. I’ve been working hard to try to stay on task for years

I have adhd (undiagnosed until I was 37!). I started taking medication and it has done wonders, but it’s not a magical quick fix for everything. First of all, I agree with others who have said that he needs to take accountability here. If he’s not willing to take medication he has to put the effort in to counteract his executive dysfunction and time blindness. I recommend researching specific solutions to his specific issues from people with adhd (honestly, ticktok and instagram have a lot of good content). It’s about identifying his natural inclinations and developing a system that works with them instead of against them.

Will.he read a self help book? I recommend "Driven to Distraction" and "Delivered from Distraction", both by Edward Hallowell. Medication will be more effective if and when he is willing to take it because of the placebo effect. In the meantime have you tried telling him how his behavior affects your relationship? Maybe couples therepy could help you talk to one another with a neutral person in the room to give perspective. Also ADHD people sometimes love to argue and fight because its stimulating. So that makes talking about issues difficult. From a person who has adhd and a partner with adhd. He takes medication, I don't. I have tried it but I don't like how it makes me feel. So I just try to manage through self awareness and therepy. I have found DBT therepy the most helpful. And I read and re read self help books to try and improve myself.

“I could just..” and “why don’t you just..” are the antithesis to success here. If he could, he would. I used to always have little bits of garbage around my room—clothing tags etc.—and always beat myself up about being a lazy slob because “I could just walk across the hall and throw them in the bathroom garbage.” Eventually I got a small garbage can for my room and now I never have bits of garbage lying around in there. I’m not a lazy slob, but clearly I can’t just walk across the hall and throw things in the garbage. Many people with adhd have an out of sight out of mind way of functioning. Perhaps he could benefit from one of those colour coded clocks that outlines each step of a routine and the allotted time for it. Maybe he would benefit from using an app like goblin tools that can help break down tasks into smaller steps. He needs to take a frank look at his issues and find people with similar issues who have developed systems to successfully manage/overcome them.

My parter has ADHD severe and it is very hard to deal with at times , he will say he will help with certain tasks then disappears which then leaves me to just do it myself , goes in the shower just before meant to be leaving , eats at a stupid time because he’s dying of starvation which I know will ruin his appetite for actual dinner which leaves me eating alone or him wasting it . Mood swings or just very hyper and won’t stop talking to the point it’s going through your head these are just a few examples . He won’t go on medication either .

Is that for sure a description of adhd because my husband is the same and he’s not diagnosed 🥴

Omg I understand, my other half is the same. I had issues driving and he had to drive me to work for a while. I was a school teacher and sometimes I'd have to drive past children in my class arriving at the school before me!! We had horrendous arguments and nearly split up. 3 years on I've learnt we will never be on time to family events unless I give a false time and have accepted it. My family don't understand it, his do. I feel like the more pressure I put on leaving at a certain time, the more likely that's not going to happen. I've learnt that 10 minutes is usually a minimum of 1 hour 🤣 I just make sure myself and the baby are ready early so I can help subtly speed him up I don't want him to go on medication, he tried it when he was younger and felt like it altered him personality. I've just accepted that's who he is and it's worth it x