Overbearing MIL

Annoying.. but just remember, you are her mother. The disrespect in the name situation is just enough for me to have that distance with her.. Is she cannot respect you enough as a mother then simply don’t respect her enough as a grandmother. Speak to your husband and address it all again to him. As it’s unacceptable. As sad as it sounds just because she’s titled to your daughter doesn’t mean she’s entitled to her 🤷‍♀️ That’s just me my love. Hope you can sort this out x

@Aubrie unfortunately I’ve tried, he is a bit of a mummy’s boy and anything said about his family in a negative way is just seen as me being against them which upsets me because I do love them, especially his dad and brother. Last time I sat down and had this conversation with him and boundaries for when she arrives, he just says she doesn’t mean anything bad by it and to shrug it off. I also said I want a week to recover before visitors and try to grasp breastfeeding in peace and he said a weeks wait for his mum will kill her. Usually I do let things she’s done/said previously go without much thought but when it comes to my daughter it’s really bothering me and I’m losing sleep over it! I feel so possessive over her and don’t know if I’m just being crazy because that’s how I’m made to feel! 😔

@Beth thank you Beth, I think you’re absolutely right. As harsh as it sounds I’m really going to have to be more assertive with this too. I slept 3 hours tops last night thinking about it over and over again 😖 x

So you can’t say anything against his family when it’s a genuine concern for you, but she can do whatever and say whatever she wants? That’s a real red flag. I would tell you husband that the way he is treating and regarding you is as if you are less than his mother to him in his eyes. Grandmother does not trump mother. Also all of these things that she is saying is clearly evidence that whenever she is able to come to your home and see the baby (if she doesn’t demand you go to her) that she will take them and you won’t hold that child again until she leaves. If he is going to be so insistent on them coming, then he needs to be able to set boundaries. If he is unable or unwilling to set and inforce boundaries then it’s a no. Next thing she will be the one delivering your child instead of the highly trained doctors 🤦🏼‍♀️

@Ali that’s definitely how I feel right now, it’s so frustrating. He says he has my back and will enforce all the boundaries I’ve asked for but didn’t come to that conclusion without argument! I said you need to be the one to tell her no kissing baby because of all the health risks and he said why are you targeting my mum, I simply said yes it is directed at her because I know my family very well and they wouldn’t do that, your mum on the other hand I feel like she would do that and honestly it was like I just accused her of murder the way he reacted. I feel comfortable he has my back but bringing anything up is exhausting. I was really quiet last night after the earring conversation and he could tell something was wrong but I didn’t even want to talk to him about it for fear of argument which I don’t really need with my BP right now!! Girl honestly it wouldn’t surprise me, she’s been telling me (a qualified doctor for 8 years) that I should ONLY need water to get rid of heartburn?! 😂

My husband and I have a rule that we handle all disagreements or discussions with our own families. You would obviously handle telling your family “we aren’t allowing people to kiss baby on the hands/ feet/ face for fear of germs” and outside of cultural issues most people will respect that. My mom kissed his forehead and I reminded her that he’s too little and she apologized and admitted she just didn’t think about it. She wasn’t upset, honestly embarrassed that she did it without thinking. You could NEVER say that to your in laws without starting world war 3 and I’m so so sorry

@Ali ah I’m so glad you said that, that’s exactly what I said! I said boundaries are for both families, but just because I only mention your mum please don’t be under any impression I’m targeting your family and these are just for them and not for mine as well but I can’t enforce these to yours that is your job!

I’m sorry you should be enjoying this moment not worrying about your mil. Your partner needs to stop laughing and start defending you against his crazy mom. What worked for me is being direct but polite. Saying no to things and if that goes bad it might. Then have him speak to her. My mil likes to play the victim. She has four sons. I’m married to her youngest son. So, at this moment I barely speak to her since she can’t control herself. And doesn’t respect boundaries. The name thing is disrespectful that is not her baby. She can tell people whatever she wants but you name your baby what you want to name her. I think your partner laughed at you, because he probably has never stood up to her.

@Amor thank you for your advice Amor, really appreciated and I agree. I’m so sorry you’re also experiencing boundary crossing MIL, it’s so frustrating. 😔

My in-laws are rude. They will have a whole conversation about me in front of me. I have mentioned it several times that it is rude. But they don’t care can’t stop. We had a pool party for my youngest son. I was in my bathing suit and my mil was looking at me up and down. So weird. After our second son was born. She sent me onesies ok nice. But one said my prayers have been answered. She doesn’t know if we had fertility problems or not. But I thought it was such a bold lack of respect to give us that. If I would have put that on the baby anyone would ask why. So I donated it.

@Amor oh my gosh!! I honestly don’t know how they have the audacity! 🤦🏻‍♀️ so toxic!

You are welcome. I had it years ago I found out my fil was spreading fake stories about me. And I stopped seeing them my in-laws for a couple of years. It was good but my Catholic guilt is making me interact with them again. 😂 Yes I feel like most mil’s have no clue about boundaries. Funny thing is she gets all offended if I ask her questions. But she can ask me anything she wants.

Exactly! I learned to just limit my interactions with my in-laws. Limit what I say around them, especially my mil.

"MIL, you need to understand that this is MY baby, not yours. And if you can't wrap your head around that, I won't allow you around her at all."

Husband needs to understand that YOU come 1st now. His family was built with YOU. Needs to get his priorities straight. If you’ve already sat him down and said what you needed to say, then stand your ground FIRMLY when MIL tries to cross your boundaries. Tell the MIL that YOU are the mother, not her. She already raised her kids and now it’s your turn. If they can’t respect your boundaries after that, then take your kids and leave your hubby. By then, it will be obvious who he chooses and how he wants to live his life.

Sounds like your husband is being immature. I left my husband because he always took MIL’s side in arguments and never had my back. He claimed to, but when she did things and he didn’t react to them, his actions spoke more than his words. Spell out your boundaries, lay down the consequences, and follow through. If your husband’s family can’t honour your wishes, they can’t have access to you or your baby. Good luck, this won’t be easy.

Girl you’re joking right?! The week wait you want is for you and your daughters benefit, NOT HERS. Tell your husband it is NOT about his mother at all and that he seriously needs to check his priorities if he’s worrying more about his mother than his new family. Don’t be afraid of standing up for yourself! You and your baby girl come first and nobody should even try to get between that. She sounds delusional and your husband seems blind as to what it’s doing to you. Personally I’d give him an ultimatum for him to either tell his mum straight or otherwise she doesn’t have contact with your baby. I hope all goes well, you don’t need this stress❤️