Mother in law buying stuff for my baby for her house

My own mum and MIL both have wipes , nappies , bibs, dummies, toys , travel cots and high chairs in theirs as you never know when you might forget something you may think yoh always have everything but it is easy to forget even for when you’re just visiting…I was very grateful for them having a few bits for our little girl. We have no intention of allowing sleepovers as yet but it does come in handy for sure…I think her intentions are good but if you’re that upset about it have you tried speaking to her and asking her why she felt the need to buy bits for her home as well? Might give you some clarity on her intentions

My parents have a high chair and toys and bibs and wipes and nappies and medicine at theirs my in laws hve nothing at all and doesn’t seem like they have any interest in getting anything for my son

My mil has absolutely everything, I trust her more then my own mother though. She has bought a trampoline and everything I feel spoilt because my little one is he started spending nights after his first birthday and loves it your timeframe may change as your little one grows

I used to leave stuff at my parents like emergency milk, wipes, spare clothes, a couple of nappies. They also had a travel high chair, spare car seat and travel cot (passed down). He didn’t stay over until he was a year old but I visited a lot often by bus as oh had the car or when we would go over in general. She also had a toy box. Maybe speak to your oh as you don’t want her making any random big purchases that arnt practical. My mum did go a bit nutty and buy a horrible second hand bassinet that looked three decades old and took up a lot of their space only for her to offer it to us which we said no to. It was hideous.

I can trump you…my MiL is making her own nursery for our baby at her house! Without consulting me or my partner and she keeps saying she has bought him bits but we haven’t actually been given any yet so I also don’t know if she intends to keep it at hers. Similar to you, we do not intend to have anyone look after him for awhile, mainly because we don’t need it. I have spoken to my partner about it as if was making me feel uncomfortable and he said just because she is doing this doesn’t mean we have to leave the baby with her. He understands why I am finding it weird. Once baby is born, if it comes up about him staying over there we will decline. At the moment I am just seeing it as an excited nanny and not to worry about events that haven’t happened yet. I do find it weird she is doing this without even asking and not running things past us (like a second hand cot and mattress!). I would talk to your partner about it but do not worry until or if something occurs

Mine did this she bought new born clothes expecting her to stay over on what planet was my breast fed new born staying out??? It caused such a rift im not going to lie this was only one weird behaviour from a long list and it took my partner to speak up after lo was here long and short she wanted baby to be hers walking out the room with her needing alone time etc I don’t know what is wrong with these women I don’t know if it’s a mid life crisis or what

How old is your baby btw? And what is your partners thoughts

My MIL did this too, most of me thinks it’s harmless because I’m sure she’s just excited and wants to do whatever she can to make her home a place for him to spend time effortlessly ❤️ That being said, it probably depends on what kind of person she is too. I thought I had the dream MIL, now we’re needing to talk with her about not allowing her around our kids without us because of how dangerous her possessiveness got.

I haven’t dealt with it so I’m sorry I can’t give you advice but since a lot of people are saying it’s fine, your feelings are valid and I’d feel the same way! Obviously everyone is different, but dummies and bibs would be a big wtf for me too! My in-laws have a high chair and some toys/books at their house, ie: only things we won’t want to bring with us when we visit! They have bought us approximately 24,756 bibs, to the point where my husband said NO MORE BIBS!! I guess my only advice if her obsessive behaviour intensifies is to make sure your partner is on the same page as you and then he should have the conversation with his parents as “this makes us feel uncomfortable” so it’s not making you the problem in your MIL’s eyes.

I had this my MIL has bought a shit load of stuff that’s at her house. Even products I’ve said I don’t intend to use on my child (Johnson’s) to the point where at my baby shower my MIL told me a gift she had bought was for her house only - although she didn’t know me and my oh plans. I told her to take the gift back, she’s not spoken to me since and that was in January, we will see what happens when baby arrives and it’s time to visit her.

I think @Kate hit the nail on the head that a lot of the other posters have failed to pick up on. Your MIL isn’t doing it out of the kindness of her heart or having back-ups in case you forgot something - what she’s doing is quite sinister and completely not normal. You mentioned her being nutty and obsessive since you found out you were pregnant and demanding to know your scan times is OTT again. I bet your own husband isn’t like that! A lot of the boomer generation think they get a second chance with their grandchildren and try and take over as being the mother. To the point where they will do things like walk off with baby, try and dissuade you from breastfeeding so they can feed them, try and get baby to call them mumma instead of you, basically treating you as if you are a surrogate instead of the mother.

@Neena I second this…my mother in law is lovely but she has said things like “how’s my baby?” “How’s my boy?”, on top of making her own nursery. I have just responded by speaking about her son i.e my partner. I would like to think she isn’t being weird but it is something my partner and I are keeping an eye on. Why is it always the women who cause issues?! I cannot imagine doing this to my future daughter in law!

In this instance, do a slow fade. Don’t answer her messages for days. Don’t let her know info she doesn’t need to. If you’ve got scans upcoming, she doesn’t need to know. If she wants to buy bibs etc let her as you know your baby is going nowhere. You could mention it to her that you don’t know why she’s doing all that but I suspect it’ll fall on deaf ears so let her carry on wasting her money. More fool her. What I will say though is make sure your husband has your back because when baby is here, this shit will ramp up 100 times worse and unless you set hard boundaries such as no kissing baby, no walking off with baby, no giving baby food before 6m etc or whatever else you want to impose, she will fully walk all over you and take the piss. She needs to know that your husband has your back, and will put her in her place if she oversteps. This is YOUR baby, not hers. She had her time to raise her children. This is not an opportunity for a do-over for her!

So I felt the same at first but whenever we go to hers now we use everything she bought and its a lifesaver! Saves me lugging everything over there!

@Kayleigh I have a theory that the boomer generation realised that they put no effort into their own children’s lives/minimal interaction with them and missed out on so much of their childhood because they were too interested in their own lives/busy drinking/palming off kids onto their parents that they think when they have grandchildren it’s a do-over for them to correct their mistakes. It’s why you often see parents look in wonder at how some grandparents do a 180 and practically have a personality transplant when interacting with their children! Like where was this gentle, kind person when I was growing up? 😂

@Charley yeah but is your mother in law weird and a bit obsessive?! And do you get on with her well? 😂 it’s the behaviour besides what she’s doing that’s scaring me, I think if she had an extra room she would be making a nursery!

@Kate I dunno what’s up with them either, but my mum is the same age and isn’t acting like her, so I know that there are some good grannies out there! My mil invited us over for tea, I found out my granny has terminal cancer the day before we were meant to go round for dinner. so I text her and told her that my granny is dying and that I wouldn’t be able to make dinner as I wanted to go and see my dying granny as time is precious, and the response I got was ‘ok then.’ 🙃 and no acknowledgment of the news I just told her, it’s all about her! 🙄

Wow how selfish incognito

@Neena interesting theory, my mil grew up in a very disfunctional family with a lot of issues and a very unsupportive mum, I’m wondering if this has something to do with her behaviour towards me now, my partner is her only child and she is very dependant on him in some ways. If I didn’t have family here in the uk, I would be off to the other side of the world so I didn’t have to see my partners family😂

Oh there is definitely something about boomers wanting a do-over I’ve told my MIL countless times that I am being a SAHM. My partner and I are very happy we are able to do this- and I love being at home with my baby! Last time my MIL came to visit, she told me she would “love to watch baby when I go back to work!”…. I told her again, “oh, we’ve decided I’m staying home with baby and not working!”… she says, “well, I would be happy to watch her, my friend watches her grand baby full time! I think it’s a great idea for me too!”…… I again reiterated that it doesn’t make sense with my income to go back, and I’m happy to stay home. She told me when I change my mind to let her know………. I about screamed… but I didn’t. Ughhhh 😅🫠

My MIL did this so when people went over, they thought she was really involved…

She can be, she’s well meaning with it though which I think helps🫣 honestly though I was exactly the same as you but now I just let her get on with it, he’s never stayed over hers on his own but we stayed over at Christmas and it was handing having it all there, and im always forgetting bits so that helps too! Try to think of it as being better than her not caring or doing anything for you xx

@@Neenamy parents are boomers but my MIL is gen X and I tell you, if she lived nearer and had the space to she would 100% be the one to build the nursery whereas yes, my parents have a cot and travel cot at theirs but it’s for if when we’re there and the babs get sleepy. They have toys, dummies, bottles, clothes etc there too so I have less things to drag over with me when we visit but they are so much more chill than my gen X MIL. Like OP said about her MIL, she and my SIL (millennial) were like that with all my appointments with my first (didn’t seem to give a damn about my 2nd) and my SIL even has a copy of my first scan framed in her living room and considers my first born hers too (‘your daughter but mine too’) and whenever they buy stuff it gets me annoyed especially if it’s stuff we already have or the kind of gift that should be given by parents. They both act like spoilt children if I point something out or want to push my own daughter in her pushchair…

Does your mil live close by? Mine doesn't so we tend to visit for weekends, and honestly if there is stuff there it's less for us to pack. They have a travel cot, change mat, baby bath and highchair. My son is too big for them all now but we'll use them for our second. They have looked after him without us. My parents have all the above plus more as they look after my son and nieces. If she's overstepping, then I can see its bad but everything our parents have make life easier for us

.. thankfully my SIL lives in their home country so I don’t get to see her much but it’s always awful when we do as she expects to have access to my girls 24/7 and sulks off in a hissy fit if she doesn’t get her way.

@Claire oh wow, she is persistent! 😂 I don’t understand, she had her chance at looking after her own babies, why is she pushing so bad to look after yours🙄 at least she said something to you and not your partner, at least then you can say it to her face rather than through your partner, she can’t be mistaken or mixed up then! Xx

My MIL threw my baby shower, before I got there one of her family members brought me a pack & play. She played it off as if the family member bought it for her to have as a crib at her house, I didn’t even get to see it, it never got to see the light of day… you’re not wrong for feeling that way

It is wierd. Lots of MILs seem to do this. But let her do her excitement by wasting her own money. When the time comes, you just set your boundaries and go from there.

Yeh it’s looking at the wider picture some do it out of kindness to help when you go to theirs etc but when there is background of obsessive behaviour etc is when it becomes concerning

My MIL did this with her other grandkids so she already has a ton of baby stuff at her house. My mom started doing this too since my daughter is her first grandchild. Honestly it’s nice knowing that if I forget something at home that my mom or my MIL might have it. It also reduces the amount of baby stuff I have to drag with me everywhere. I know how handy it is because I’ve seen how often my SIL has used all of it over the last 8 years with her 4 kids.

My MIL is like this and I 100% agree with everything Neena has said! My MIL does all of this to be in competition with me. She wants to be seen as the best. No idea why I think it’s plain weird! My daughter has stayed over when absolutely necessary and I will pack a bag and none of it will be touched cos my MIL only wants her stuff to be used. I’ve only recently started to get a bit of courage and I’m starting to set boundaries and say no to things. She hasn’t had my daughter in a while and I plan to keep it that way. Just try and be very arms length and every time you do end up going over there make sure you don’t need to use any of her stuff. Might make her realise how silly she has been and that you as a mother will always have a bag packed! Xx

My mother in law was buying a second hand bassinet and that for hers when I just had my baby fair to say it’s never been used 😂 (I’m not a fan of certain things being second hand but other things I don’t mind)… she has not once had my daughter on her own she is nearly 2 seen her about 10 times if that in her life so far and to be honest I don’t even think she will have her at any point. I get your point if you’re going to bring everything with you in a changing bag then there isn’t much point in her buying things yes it would be handy if say you forgot something but Mums normally have doubles in the changing bag 🤷🏼‍♀️

Making a complete nursery is weird and creepy to me. Both my mom and MIL have pack n plays, and other needed items for when we visit which makes it nice that I don't have to lug around a bunch of stuff for visits, but neither have an entire nursery made out 😬. They just have the necessary items which they can put away/store. Having a whole nursery made is just creepy and on another level. My sister's MIL wanted to do this and she and her husband shut it down by telling her they don't plan on visiting much over there (just for big family gatherings and holiday events) and they expect her to visit them. They made it really clear so she stop. My sister and her hubs found it weird she was planning on making a whole *ss nursery at her home, like their baby would live there.

Your feelings are valid and totally matter. No one knows your relationship with your MIL like you do, and if you’re feeling negative about her actions, I think a good place to start is a sit down chat with your partner. Prepare yourself with examples of her actions and explain why it makes you feel the way it does. Remember, it’s not *your* job to set boundaries with *their* mother. That should really be your partner’s responsibility. As a team, figure out a plan and trust them to have your back. A little side note: Personally, I’ve gone back and forth between the thought of buying stuff for my MIL’s house.. not for sleepovers or alone time but only so we don’t have to bring *literally* everything when we go visit. For context: she’s a 1hr 30min drive away.. so when we forget something it’s either a big deal or it’s not 🤣😅

My mother in law bought a full newborn pram for her own house and she never once had my little girl on her own when she was that little and she outgrew it, she did buy it second hand so didn't spend too much on it but whatever she did was a waste of money cause she never got the use of it, why she done this is beyond me cause I'd just have let her borrow her actual pram if she was to have her .. people can be so odd 🤯😂!

@Natalie did she ever mention that never got to use it?! 😂 that is bloody bizarre!

My MIL has been exactly like this. It took a while for me to be able to shake it off but now I just have the mindset of 'she can waste her money on this stuff but that's all it is, a waste'. She can do what she likes and that's NO reflection on what you need to do. It really did take a while for me to just laugh it off so I really understand your frustration, but for your peace of mind just try to laugh at the silliness of it! X