I need to vent. Thinking about leaving

You both are working. Everything should be 50/50. Is he out cold? Because that's not good. I wouldn't trust him to watch her. Couples therapy could be good. Therapists are usually good at helping people understand each other. Then you can work on whether to stay at home or do daycare. He might not be getting enough sleep if he's awake during the day and works at night when does he sleep.

@Jenna He comes home around 10/11pm, but stays up until 3 or 4am playing video games with his friends because he “can’t sleep”

If he’s crossing hard boundaries that you’re not willing to negotiate, I think that’s when I’d leave. Not doing stuff round the house while he’s there is beyond frustrating and I know that first hand, but showing an incapability to watch the baby and keep her safe, that’s not just a preference that’s a basic necessity of being a dad, if he can’t be a capable dad OR husband I wouldn’t stay. That’s ME, if you want to work things out then absolutely therapy, but if you don’t want to, you know what to do girl. I’m so sorry 💜

It’s hard to wind down when you get off of work sometimes so him saying he can’t sleep definitely could be a reason for him being up late. Plus the game is probably his time to unwind after everything which is necessary for both of you guys honestly. But I definitely think he has to find a better way to manage his sleep especially while watching the baby. And he should definitely try to chip in a little bit even if it’s doing little stuff while she’s sleeping. But it’s gonna be hard on both of you honestly so I’d definitely recommend having more conversations about it and if you can’t solve it maybe counseling. Do you have family that could help? That could be an option too if you guys have a family member willing to come by during the day he still has to do his part though

But if you feel like you’ve reached your limit you’re not wrong for wanting to leave you’re entitled to feel how you feel and it does seem like majority of the weight is falling on you

your feelings are 10000% valid - i would be livid, too. so my husband i’m almost positive has some sort of sleep condition where i think he’d actually be diagnosed if he went to the dr for it (which i am pushing him to do soon). but basically he can’t help but fall asleep even though sometimes he doesn’t even feel drowsy or anything… idk it’s weird to me. he’s fallen asleep while holding and feeding our baby a few times and i put a stop to that once i realized it’s not something he can necessarily help (even tho i told him if you feel yourself falling asleep stand up or do SOMETHING bc it’s absolutely unacceptable w/ baby). so now he doesn’t help at night and if he does, i’ll just take that time to pump and sit by them to make sure. my point is, do you think your husband might have some type of sleeping condition?? it’s not an excuse but maybe it’s something he could get help for? or is it him just not being responsible enough..? 😬 sorry you’re going through this! 💕

We dont really have family that are able to. Both my parents are fairly older and have both admitted they can’t watch her with how active she is, his parents work full time jobs and can’t watch her. :/

i’ll add that it is a red flag in my opinion that he’s sort of getting defensive about and it saying “she’s fine”. like, no… something could happen in a split second to her if he’s not being present. i guess if i were in your situation, i probably wouldn’t take the chance anymore and i’d either stay home and have him go back to work or do daycare. and if it’s not due to some type of like sleep condition he may have and it’s just him not being responsible or caring enough, I’d probably also be feeling conflicted on our marriage, too, and his ability to be a parent.

Don’t fall into the trap of trying to do all the chores by yourself to spare him as this is not sustainable (with you working FT) and you’ll end up burnt out or worse building resentment which can explode one day. I would have an open conversation to allocate chores between the two of you, so you both know which chores each one is responsible for. This is what we do, if my husband doesn’t like his chores, I’m happy to swap as long as the chore is done. This way, he will see and understand how much there is to do outside of watching the baby. Not speaking for all guys, but I find that sometimes they don’t see the chores that needs doing the way we do (my husband can be so blind sometimes),which is why rather than feeling bitter about it, I take the approach of mentioning it to him and then we decide who will do it. I also find he won’t moan about his chores so much as he knows I do more (there’s a list he can see mine is longer than his) and I say would you rather do my chores instead

And he will say no 😂 as he knows my list is longer. I think this is a fairer way of doing things given you’re both working FT. Re sleeping while watching baby, as a compromise could he promise to put baby in playpen if he is tired and thinks he may fall asleep? That way, baby is contained in the playpen even if he accidentally falls asleep? Share with him some stories or articles online about dangers of baby venturing unsupervised to kitchen and the harm that could have done if baby accidentally pulls something off shelves or something falls on baby, that way he will hopefully understand that you’re not overreacting and this could absolutely happen which is why it’s not acceptable to fall asleep while baby is awake and free to roam around unsupervised and why he needs to take precautions (ie playpen if he feels he can’t stay awake). If after all this, he still doesn’t change, then I guess you’ll need to reassess. I hope it works out for you x

My husband and I were in this situation before. I worked FT during the day (6am-2:30pm) and my husband worked FT at night (9pm-5:30am). I used to be angry when I would come home to an untidy house and my husband napping with our daughter, 1, while our son, 4 at the time, was in the bedroom with them watching tv or playing with toys. In hindsight, I empathize with my husband. He was getting about 4-5 hours of uninterrupted sleep each work day. His sole focus was taking care of our kids, keeping the house clean was not on his mind. Unless I asked him to do something, he would not do house chores while watching the kids. We bridged the sleep gap by hiring a cheap babysitter for 2 hours so my husband can sleep and our kids would be cared for. Have a talk with your husband, plan a schedule, and voice each other's expectations for the day. Split shift parenting requires tight organization. If he's in a sleep deficit each day hire a cheap babysitter. Think of his sleep schedule like yours, just in different times.

Oh and if he says he doesn’t know how to do the chores, this is no excuse for not doing it. I would teach him how to do it so there’s no excuse - I taught my husband how to wash the bottles and sterilise so now he knows what needs to be done. Same for cooking food for baby, I would tell him what the menu is and how to do it (and what time baby needs to eat) so there’s no excuse of “I don’t know how to do it.” It’s a bit annoying at the beginning but over time, it’ll pay off as he starts doing these things automatically.

When you come home from work you can't sleep right away. You have winding down time and things to do before sleeping. Same thing with him. It would be hard to go to sleep right when he comes home from work. If you want him to do more chores, ask if he can do some after he comes home from work before winding down for bed. I can understand your frustration but you also need to think about your husband trying to get the same amount of sleep while your baby is awake. It is not an easy thing to accomplish and both of you need empathy and compassion from one another. This sort of arrangement is something I do not suggest doing long term. We made it work for about 5 years but it takes its toll after a while. Good luck and I hope you find a solution that works for both of you!

Wait so if he works at night and watches the baby during the day when does he actually able to sleep. I’M IN NO WAY SAYING HIM FALLING ASLEEP WHILE WATCHING THE BABY IS OK. But instead of looking at this situation as he’s just messing up maybe he can’t juggle this and talking about finding a resolve. I hope I’m making sense.

@Sierra @Fiona @Kate he gets home around 10 or 11 and then plays video games until 3 or 4 in the morning because he “can’t sleep”. As soon as I come home from work he checks out and plays video games for an hour before leaving for work. He only works from 6pm-10 or 11pm 3 days a week and then 4.5 hour day shifts on Saturday and Sunday. And his work is so low key, he sometimes brings a book to keep himself entertained. Our baby still has never slept through the night and wakes 4-7 times a night on average. Because of this I have started sleeping in her room because it just makes things easier. But on the other hand, it separates us more as a couple. He does not wake up with her through the night, hasn’t since she was 1 month old. It’s me. He can actually sleep at night if he chooses to, but he chooses video games

@Steph yesterday I washed our daughter’s clothes and I asked him if he could put them away today, since he doesn’t work on Fridays. He told me no. Then today while we were arguing he fussed at me for not having put away her clothes… it was 5:30.. I got home from work at 4:20 and just finished feeding her dinner. How was I supposed to put away her clothes!?! It’s so frustrating Also, he knows how to cook. He’s a chef 🙃 he just chooses not to Today when I got home he “cleaned my work bag” then I look in the sink a few hours later to do the dishes and see this… he just put a whole sleeve of my crackers that I didn’t eat in the sink. I just don’t know what he’s thinking or doing. Like!? How or why are you like this!?

@Sierra I agree with you! Which is why I offered daycare or me switching back to staying at home as a last resort. But he just tells me no. And that I’m crazy and she’s fine. He doesn’t want to do daycare. He doesn’t want me to stay home. He doesn’t sleep at reasonable hours. I really am trying my hardest to be considerate and empathetic with him, but I’m starting to find myself jaded and bitter. Where is my break? Where is my help? When do I get a moment? My daughter went to bed at 7:30 tonight and has already woke up 3 times

Based on your last few comments, girl, he’s got no excuse. I’m really sorry :( you deserve better!!

Everyone saying he needs wind down time… NOT UNTIL 3-4 IN THE MORNING lmaooooooo he should drink some calming tea, take melatonin do something. And then they can each work out a schedule for them to each get a few hours of self care time amongst themselves.

OK saying no and choosing not to do chores is NOT ACCEPTABLE! Ask him why he feels so entitled not to do chores when he’s also her parent and needs to therefore do his fair share! And if he doesn’t want to do it, then he can’t complain to you when it’s not done. Tell him it’s not done cause he hasn’t done it, so it’s still there waiting for him to do it as it’s his responsibility. I would leave the clothes there to see how he would react, don’t end up doing it as otherwise he would always know that he can get away with this terrible behaviour. I’m so sorry you’re in this position and I can see why this is so upsetting. Ultimately it’s his overall behaviour and if he doesn’t make an effort to change, I don’t see how this would improve 💔 so sorry hun

Me and my partner ordered an extra large play pen for this reason. It's 59"x59". We have a small basement suite that isn't exactly child safe, and the playpen gives her lots of space to move and play safely. As a bonus, we can go in it with her. So if we are watching her solo and super tiredwe can nap in it while she plays safely beside us.