Am I tripping

"Thanks for your offer, but this is a joint party, so the cake will need to acknowledge both Grandson AND Granddaughter. To make sure it does, I would like the order for the cake to be placed while I'm with you. If you are not willing to agree to this, please don't plan on buying a cake, because it will not be used at the party."

I actually do see the point she’s trying to make. I don’t necessarily agree with either of you but if you believe in birthdays for 1,5,10, etc then it will technically be your stepsons 5th birthday which is one you deem worthy of a party and your daughter’s 2nd birthday which is not. It seems only fair that if you made him stick to that rule for his 4th birthday and only had a party celebrating your daughter last year, then you should stick to that rule this year for your daughter’s 2nd birthday. I get your husband is going away but that’s not really a valid reason for why you couldn’t do an “experience” for her this year like you did for your stepson last year. I think your MIL is just trying to keep things fair using the rule that YOU set and I think you’re taking it too personally.

@Shayla I think she’s trying to say that her fiancé was able to celebrate his sons 4th birthday with him in a different way, and that’s why he didn’t get a party last year and instead got that trip, so he didn’t miss out. This year fiancé wont be able to be there to celebrate daughters birthday with her so the only option is to have a joint celebration rather than a 5th party for son and an activity for daughter and therefore daughter would miss out. That’s how I interpreted it anyway I may be wrong 🤷‍♀️ That being said @Alyssa I think they should have separate cakes anyway! That way they both get their own cake moment. Let grandmother get your son a cake and then you provide the daughter’s cake. Or say no to the cake and just do your own thing! She can attend but it’s not her party, she’s not hosting, so she doesn’t get a say. Do what you want for your kids!

@Becca yea we aren’t doing cakes we are doing cupcakes because it’s at a trampoline park and I think it’s just cleaner for a kid to grab a cupcake and go. But my my fiancé did tell her not to get a cake because we’ve already had planned out the party and there wasn’t anything for her to contribute too. My fiancé was in fact pissed off and call d me venting because he’s been seeing favoritism’s over the past two years in regard to her only wanting to do for one child. Her and I haven’t had a good relationship and that’s fine but to see her now taking it out on my child actually hurts.

@Shayla it was her father’s decision to have a joint party he’s leaving for the next six months. And we do believe in exceptions.

@Alyssa I understand, it’s so hard to navigate. I’m in a similar situation where I have a complicated relationship with my mother in law and she’s already showing favouritism between my little ones, and my daughter is only 10 weeks! It’s heartbreaking and infuriating. I’m so glad your fiancé sees it too and is putting her in her place ❤️

@Becca yes it’s tough, and I’m sorry you are experiencing this as well. I hope your little one never feels the difference in energies.

@Alyssa like I said, I don’t necessarily agree with either of you, I’m just explaining how it looks from an outside perspective because you asked.🤷🏼‍♀️

@Shayla lol correct, so i continued the conversation? That’s not defensiveness but communication. No rebuttal in your statement you made; just elaboration on who decided on making the decision being you made you statements I though clarification was good & bringing in more understanding with there are expectations to our rules/beliefs.

@Alyssa I know? I’m not accusing you of anything. I don’t think it’s a big deal either way, you celebrated your stepson last year and did something he probably liked much more than a party. But I also see where your MIL is coming from trying to make things fair between your two kids and trying to make sure you don’t prioritize your daughter over your stepson, not that you would or have been at all. And I get why you would want to have a joint birthday party this year since your husband is leaving and there’s probably not any “experience” that a freshly 2 year old would recognize as being for her. I see both sides but I don’t think your MIL is being spiteful towards you or your daughter, I think it’s just a grandmas nature to try to keep things fair. And this is coming from someone with some terrible in-laws that absolutely hate us.🤷🏼‍♀️😅

@Shayla I see where you’re coming from and test same with the in laws over here. We’ve had to stop unsupervised visitations with her because she kept neglecting my child when I was at work. So it’s hard to decipher through smaller situations like this. We’ve had everything from her not feeding my 1 month old for a full 12 hour day when I was in nursing school. To my daughter coming home with moisture associated skin breakdown in a 12 hour work shift. So I guess everything is pretty heightened.

@Alyssa omg okay! With the added context I can definitely see why you would feel that way about it. Like this conversation alone doesn’t seem like a big deal but adding in a history of neglect DEFINITELY changes the tone. I would also be sensitive to any minor slight given that context. I’m sorry you’re dealing with that and I’m so terribly sorry that she mistreated your precious baby.🫶🏻

@Shayla but your point of view gave me a different look at it. And while it’s still hurtful maybe she is just trying to fight for the fairness of her grandson. I get the love that she has for him; it just hurt that my daughter will never experience that. And I do believe there should always be someone to advocate for the “step child”; luckily for him he doesn’t need it here.

@Alyssa that’s a really great way of seeing it and I’m glad you’re raising your stepson with the love and care he needs.🫶🏻 My husbands mom died when he was 4 and his dad quickly remarried a woman that had NO interest in being a mother to him and made that clear every step of the way and his dad just went along with it. It’s hard because as a child you’re so innocent and you don’t see peoples true nature so he didn’t realize how badly they treated him until he was much older and looking back on it. Even now he still holds out hope that they’ll turn their lives around and treat him well even when they’ve made it very clear that they blame HIM for everything THEY did during his childhood and they currently want NOTHING to do with us and can’t even stand to be in the same place as us. There are some really great stepparents and there are some really terrible stepparents. I’m glad you’re the first kind 🩷

I think if you feel she could be misinterpreting it I'd let her know your firm boundary that you guys are not sticking to the previous ideas and making an exception, to your rules, which is completely understandable, they are your rules and ideas. If she knows that this is an exception and she is being bitter because of the change, I'd take the cake offer away and handle it all myself. Our daughter's first was her baptism.... was that how I planned it? No. Then it got split up because we got sick, and my in laws were ticked about that. Not everything has to be so challenging and hard. Make this special for both kids and husband, they all need it! (Mil spouse to another)

I haven't read all the comments, but apparently there is more to the story. We tend to focus so much on all the details, as we were hurt by these people in the past. We should try to avoid to analyze and be upset about everything. I know it's tempting to find more things that confirm the opinion we have on these people, but we are making ourselves suffer only more. She wants to get her grandson a cake. Can't you just get another cake for your daughter? Case closed. Who cares why she did it? Don't waste your energy.

@Shayla yes girl it’s hard having a step parent at times there are good ones and there are some that aren’t so good. I feel for your husband it’s taught growing up in that environment and not understanding why you as a child would be treated so harshly!

@Freckles thankfully my fiancé handled it I had went no contact with her for previous reasons as to how she treated my daughter. But as he vents to me about how hurt he is by it; it does hurt me to hear his pain along with how my child is treated so different.

@Meis we aren’t doing cakes we are doing cupcakes. I easier and cleaner. Especially being it’s at a trampoline park. Also when my fiancé mentioned we aren’t doing a cake but a cupcakes as a whole she never offered to pay for them. Instead she offered to get him an outfit for the party (which I already bought because it’s a costume I got from Etsy). So in my mind if you’re willing to do a cake for one, but not cupcakes which serves for the both of them it’s showing that you’re willing to do for one over the other. But if it was me and I was the one doing that and showing favoritism over my child compared to my step child, let’s be for real we all look at me like I’m the bad person and asked me, Why would I do for my child and not my step child because I chose to be in my stepchild’s life when I got with his father. I myself would not agree with doing for one child without the other, but that’s also what I grew up.