I need someone right now.

My husbands asleep so I have nobody to talk to and idk where to post this but I really need someone to just listen (well read). I had one specific resident at the nursing home I worked at that I absolutely adored. He was more of a dad than my own is sometimes. He listened. He cared. I could tell him anything and everything without fear of judgment or retaliation. If he was being an ass, I let him know it. If I was being an ass, he let me know it. He started off hating me but then we built a wonderful friendship and I was the only one allowed to do anything for him. He told me all the time how much he loved me and he wished he’d had daughters because he would have picked me. I didn’t tell him goodbye before I walked out the day everything went south. And now I’ll never be able to because he passed away Friday, I found out tonight. The coworker who texted me told me he was saying he was scared to die, and her immediate thought was me and what I would want for him. So even though she didn’t like him and he didn’t like her, for me she sat with him until he was gone. For hours she sat there holding his hand because she knew it was what I wanted for him and what I knew he deserved. I’m shattered. I wasn’t fucking there, I should have been. I never should have walked out without telling him how much I loved him and how important he was to me. He made everything I went through in that Hell hole so damn worth it. His little “HEYYYY RED!” Or “HEYYY blondie!” When I went between hair colors. Or “hey kiddo”. I miss him so damn much. He had gone through so much health wise and he was in his 80s, so it’s not like he was young and not “ready”. But he was the best resident I’d ever had and fuck I feel so guilty for not just being THERE. He’d told me before that the only reason he hadn’t given up was me. Because he looked forward to seeing me on the days I worked. I just feel so guilty and so heartbroken. This man was like a father or grandfather to me and I wasn’t there. :( Edit to add: I’m exhausted and have a migraine so will respond to individual comments at some point but I just wanted to tell you guys thank you. I’m a little upset with my old coworker that I wasn’t told everything was happening when it started, but I think that’s grief talking and I’m trying not to be mad. This world lost a good one. 💕

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i’m so sorry to hear that, you could have never known! you gave him so much light, care, and friendship during his hardest days, and that’s what mattered most. even your coworker saw the importance of your bond and made sure he felt comforted in the way you would have wanted. that’s a testament to the impact you had on him. it’s so easy to feel guilty in situations like this, to focus on what you *could have* done differently. you gave him love, trust, and joy— that doesn’t disappear because you couldn’t say goodbye.. he definitely knew you cared!

I wish I had the words to help, but you are heard and he knew you loved him and he wasn't alone because of you.

He definitely heard you love my heart goes out to you entirely. It’s never ever especially when they are family. Just know he is watching over you and he will always be there. Even if you weren’t family you clearly meant the world to each other and that is a memory that no one can take from you. Please message me if you would like to talk🥺❤️

I feel this post so much. I work in a nursing home also 😭🫶🏼

I’m so sorry to hear that. It sounds like you guys had a wonderful relationship, I can relate .. I’m sure he knew how much you loved him and I’m sure he knew if you could have been there you would have. It’s hard not to have guilt especially when a loved one passes away it’s so easy to think of the what ifs and I should haves. Nothing will take away your pain. I’m sure he is at peace and now gets to watch over you forever. Sending you a big hug and lots of prayers. Don’t be so hard on yourself hun. And take time to grieve and feel the pain even though you don’t want to because there is healing in feeling the pain. So sorry for your loss!! 😞

Oh man. I’m so sorry. I don’t know what to say other than talk to him. He WILL hear you. 🩷🩷

@s a r a 🥀 I’ve always been told that me getting attached was one of my worst qualities on the job.. sometimes it’s so damn hard not to though. There’s always one specific person you get attached to above anyone else and losing them is like a knife to the heart.

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Oh wow, my heart aches for you because I totally understand how you feel. I lost my dad as well and the pain is always there. Even though it slightly feels better when I do feel his present. I wish you the best and keep remembering the good times. I still blame myself for certain things and keep wishing I did this sooner but people keep telling me it's guilt and I did everything I could and more. From what I read here sounds like you gave him everything a daughter could've and more. He loved seeing you and you both cherish the time he had left and that means so much to him even when you weren't there. Stay strong sis 💖

@Vanessa doing so now

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