MIL now ignoring us!
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I would reach out. I think it’s just the typical everyone having to learn new roles. She probably reacted how she did out of a bit of embarrassment too. Have your husband reach out and explain you like having them around just a few things would help - ie the photos, interacting with baby without the phone always out, asking before taking baby. I don’t know the whole relationship but I would approach it that way and see if it helps. Is she the first grandbaby?
@Ariyana I honestly love the fact she wants to help, but it's just there are more ways to be helpful than just trying to take my baby off me (because then it's hard to get her back unless she needs feeding). On that occasion her taking her from me would have been more of a hindrance than a help as she would have woken and cried and then I'd have to start the whole process of getting her to sleep again. I wouldn't have minded if she'd asked me if/how she could help and that's what my partner tried to tell her so I don't know how else we explain it to get through to her
@Harlie I think she definitely has a very differently written story in her head! I do want my little girl to have a good relationship with both sets of grandparents, but I don't know how we approach her since the first conversation didn't work! He very tactfully only mentioned a few examples regarding boundaries over trying to be helpful vs not letting us be parents as well, he could have said a lot more! It's so frustrating because part of why we had the conversation was for her benefit to try and help her with bonding problem as well, because clearly by denying everything she doesn't see where she's going wrong and it could be such an easy fix!
@Shannon That's pretty much the tact he tried to take when he spoke to her before. Maybe trying again now she's had some time to calm down she might be more receptive. Yes first and only grand baby on both sides of the family! They were supposed to be looking after her one day a week (as will my parents) when I go back to work and after that conversation she snapped back and said that they won't have her and she'll have to go to nursery for 4 days a week instead of 3. Even if we smooth this over and they agree again, honestly I'm worried looking ahead that if we have to have any more (perfectly reasonable) conversations about our boundaries/ parenting style that we'd want them to follow they'd have another hissy fit and withdraw it and then we'd be stuck without childcare!
I would reach out and communicate how you want them included and involved and that you also want to be able to have open and honest conversations from both sides so that the relationship with everyone can be stronger in the long run
My MIL can be like this! It’s annoying cause it’s not being respectful when there are no boundaries. I’m sure you appreciate the help but if you want to hold your child and for long periods the you should be able to. Honestly if they want to ignore just let them. They are the ones missing out on time with their grandchild. I don’t know why grandparents do that. She probably doesn’t realize she’s overstepping.
I think she’s being ridiculous, it’s not like you’ve tried to stop her being involved. You are the parents (it’s nice to hear your husband is supporting you with this) and what you say goes. I think it’s up to her to get back in touch when she’s calmed down… good luck!
@Harlie this! I was just thinking idk why boomer grandparents are like this! lol
I totally get it. My mom is just like this. I’m happy your partner is aware and helping with the ditch and not leaving it up to you to deal with! I feel like that generation has a really hard time accepting boundaries as boundaries and not a personal attack. Hopefully they realize they’re in the wrong and things improve. If not then it’s their loss
@Crystal my mom is suuuuch a typical boomer so I relate so hard. It’s gotta be from all the lead paint they were in contact with when they were babies or something! My partners mom is even older and 😮💨🥴 that’s a whole other story. They have such a hard time with boundaries
@Harlie yeah my mil is a boomer and I don’t think she know what boundaries are. She would think it’s us “putting her in her place” lol. She doesn’t do things with ill intent but my gosh I’m like do you not see how weird you look sometimes lol.
Oof that’s hard. I would be worried about that too and would just do nursery 4 days to ensure you have childcare. You also don’t want them to try to use the fact they are watching her to not respect your boundaries. Maybe go to nursery and see if they can become respectful of your decisions over time?
Yes it absolutely helps that we are both 100% on the same page with it and he completely agrees on their behaviour! I did ring the nursery to check they have places available on that day and they do, so I am tempted to just send her for 4 days - if they can't respect boundaries when we are there or listen to a conversation about what they are, I don't know how we would trust them to follow them when we're not there. I think I might compose a calm letter to send to them from us just to reiterate that we appreciate they mean well but they need to understand what the boundaries are, and close by saying that when they are ready to see us and her again that they know where we are, and then leave the ball in their court
We had similar issues and it ended up taking my husband telling my MIL he doesn’t even want to be around her because of how she was acting and then he initiated a 6 month no contact and finally things are much better. I hope it all works out!
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It’s almost like she needed a reset button to return to how she was pre baby.
Sounds like they have done you a favour by cutting you out of their lives. If you try to mend this then you are basically giving them permission to do whatever they want because you will run to them. If they want a relationship with your child then they will need to build one and respect your boundaries. I would put money on them getting worse if you go to them to fix it as they will see it as you are admitting that you are in the wrong. If they don't see their son on his birthday then that is their choice. My advice would be not to get involved as by the sounds of it, you will get the blame for anything that goes wrong
It sounds to me like a typical boomer hissy fit. She’s probably rewriting everything in her head to make you guys out to be the bad guy. If you want a relationship with them (sounds like you do) I would reach out and just see if she responds.