Friend has HIV/reoccurring STDs

Why would their status impact whether you'd have them in your home?

Wondering the same @Natalie

I wouldn't have someone over if they were sick, so seems uncomfortable having someone come over knowing they aren't healthy. I constantly have my mind wander about our home getting contaminated when they use our glasses/untensils/bathroom 😬🥴

HIV isn't contagious unless someone's bodily fluid comes into contact with your own STDs are, as described, sexually transmitted, they're not transmitted just from being in the same house

@Sophie no but maybe it's their lifestyle and knowing when they are here, using our dishes/cups/bathroom that has me a bit more guarded for myself and kids

I think OP should do some research on HIV and these ‘recurring STDs’ you’re coming across really ignorant

Incognito I think you need to do some research on how these things are spread. Unless you have sex with your friend or share your cups or dishes as sex toys 😅🫠 then you're good.

I know that HIV/STDs require bodily fluid to spread. Yet I still feel uncomfortable having them over and using our home :(

Well if you guys don’t clean as in wash your dishes and clean your bathroom I can see your concern. Even for it to pass through saliva it has to b a large amount so unless you guys are just opening your mouth to swallow their spit I think your good. Also their skin being on your toilet seat isn’t gonna pass it either. Just a question do you ever get cold sores?

You've got it backwards. Your little ones are more likely to get your friend sick than the other way around. They are immune compromised, and kids are germ factories. If your friend would risk it, you should be open to it too. 🙂

It’s not transmitted by saliva or urine. You’re more likely to catch a cold than HIV, unless having sex or sharing needles with someone who is infected, which sounds like is highly unlikely in this case. I have no problem whatsoever about having a friend over if they had HIV. Wouldn’t even think twice.

If you know this Incognito then you’re just happy to be and ignorant person. And that is sad. Your friend deserves better.

If you feel you know how it’s transmitted (which it doesn’t sound like you really do) and you’re still worried about having them in your home, they don’t need you as a “friend”.

Sounds like you are a shitty friend tbh. If you don't like their "lifestyle" why have them in your life? I certainly wouldn't want to visit your home knowing this is how prejudice you are.

My dad is hiv positive and I let him cuddle and hold my little one and will happily let him in my home and may have him move in with us as he ages. I have no concerns about that. (I also volunteered with my dad around aids awareness and support before his diagnosis when I was younger ) I would be more worried about something that's highly communicable to your little one like a cold or whooping cough or RSV.

I think you should drop this friendship, mostly because they are clearly better off without having to deal with you.

I guess knowing too much isn't always helpful. My main concern is that our friend often has canker sores/mouth sores, although usually scabs so there's always a feeling of reservation around knowing he is using our cups/utensils. More concern about contamination. Not concern about his lifestyle.

@Dacia nope, we have never had cold sores

Sounds like you shouldn't have them over. You being uncomfortable will only make them uncomfortable, too.

Our friend has gotten blood like fluid on our toliet seat, but brought it to our attention and it was disinfected. It's just so much more than a normal friend visit. Thanks for all the opinions but no one can shame me over feeling hesitant about this.

@Annie true. Might need to just enjoy them outside the home.

If you don't want them in your house don't invite them. The problem here is clearly not the hiv

I love that everyone educated her instead of read her to filth. Unfortunately, a lot of people in society are just as ignorant to the taboo of STDs. If you have a cold sore guess what you are in that group of people who carry an incurable STD. There’s a better chance of passing HSV-1 to him through sharing chap stick, drinking off the same glass, or passing the common cold than him passing hiv through blood to you and your family. I think either you should have a conversation with him and let him know how you are uncomfortable than to isolate him and treat him as if he is a leper. He will pick up on the way you start to treat him. Give him the option to continue to be friends w/ someone he shouldn’t have trusted w/ his lifestyle or medical diagnoses. Clearly he’s a better friend to you than you are to him, he trusted you about his medical diagnoses more than likely with fear of this happening and he also lets you know when something has been contaminated.

I can understand the reservations around how you feel. Especially since you have kids. Probably best to just enjoy their company at a restaurant or outside activity. Nothing wrong with being cautious as a parent!

Be careful how you treat or perceive people that is different from you, you never know their full background and also karma can always humble you and put you in the same situation. 🤷🏾‍♀️ hope you guys figure it out tho

@Dacia our friend is very open about his health status and because a lot of people in his circle share the same health scares, I think he forgets that as a Mom to littles, yeah, it's a bit much to hear at times especially if he is coming over to use our home as his 🤷‍♀️

@Aly thank you 👐

For that you should be grateful. Some ppl don’t tell a soul, some ppl aren’t considerate enough to tell you when they left blood on a toilet seat or spilled a drink on your floor. He’s open with you. As long as he’s not kissing your kids and stuff like tht I don’t think you or your kids are at risk. Sometimes you outgrow relationships because of phases in life. I use to be a stripper and I am no longer in tht phase of my life anymore, I’m married, I have a baby. I didnt cut off my friends that still do tht we just don’t hang out anymore because they are still into hanging out with dudes all the time or partying. We still talk from time to time. I’m just not there anymore. It’s ok to still be friends just know the boundaries of that relationship. If it’s worth still keeping but it needs to be communicated too so everyone is on the same page

@Dacia I appreciate that 🙏

Someone having HIV in your home isn’t going to get anyone “sick”. Toddlers with germs are more of a danger to someone with HIV due to their compromised immune system. I’d have no issue knowing someone with HIV or letting them in my home to eat etc. I think you need to do some more research on the topic, it’s not as scary as you seem to think.

You sound really uneducated about HIV.

The level of ignorance and discrimination of Incognito is impressive. I guess they don't loose anything not being friend with you anymore. They deserve better.

IMO people are being unnecessarily mean to you in the comments. You being concerned for your kids' safety shouldn't be shamed, even if people are trying to educate you. An immediate family member of mine has herpes, and is promiscuous w/ high turnover of partners without disclosing to her/his partners sometimes, and has demonstrated deeply envious and destructive behavior towards me in the past (clinically diagnosed narcissistic personality disorder). (S)he will never meet my kids for that reason -- if I already caught her trying to spike my food with illicit drugs then why tf would I leave my kids vulnerable to her/him? Imo some people are talking shit in the comments because it's not their kids/health on the line. Obviously idk the person you are talking about, but if it's a situation similar to mine where you can't trust them for solid reason, then yes adjust your boundary appropriately. Don't let the people clowning in the comments shame you into doing something you aren't comfortable with.

Are you like this when you go out in public? Because you don’t know if a person has just used the toilet before you is HIV positive, or has an STD? So what’s the difference in your home with your own friend? Or if you use a cup/glass/cutlery at a restaurant? I do feel for your friend because even in today’s age, a person that he classes as a ‘friend’ is being judgemental.

Nah. Unless they plan on dropping blood at your place or swapping saliva with your little one and doing things they shouldn’t, you should be fine. I would be more mindful though if they have a lifestyle the aids in getting STDs more easily… but hey, momma… At the end of the day, do what you can sleep with. :) Either way, it will all work out.

@Emily my children and I rarely use public restrooms but when we do, I spray hand sanitizer on the seat and then apply two seat covers. I also don't allow them to touch the toilet lol I hold them as best I can while they go.

I'm not being judgmental-- difference of opinion or doubting a circumstance doesn't always equate to "being judgmental". I do question his judgment at times. Maybe some of my feelings stem from confusion how he continually puts himself at risk, even after contracting something that momentarily affects him, like an STD, or permanently affects him, like HIV, and uncertainty if he is making sure when he is here that he is cognisant of our children. I do not judge him. I think blood going on the toliet seat and dripping down the side from someone's asshole post sex is pretty foul, regardless gender/sexuality. Still foul if it's cleaned afterwards. Honestly I just feel grossed out and when I think of having a friend over, anyone over, it's not enjoyable if I have to worry about the sanitary aspect 😬

Is this 1970? HiV is not contagious to be around

HIV is not transmittable unless you're coming in direct contact with their blood. It's not transmitted by saliva or urine. Also, if they are being treated for their HIV...undetectable=untransmittable. The fact that they are even open with you about it, speaks volumes about the kind of friend they are....however, it seems you need to educate yourself about HIV transmission if you want to be a good friend back.

@MK lovely. His blood was recently on our toliet seat/down the side of the toliet. The toliet our kids use the most. I am a good friend but finding this disgusting isn't being a bad friend. What I want is to enjoy friends company, not have to worry about what needs to be disinfected while/after they are here 🥲

You keep moving the goal post at this point. I think you’re now just trying to back peddle because you’ve been called out.

Completely @SquishyMommy1 none of these details were in the original post but because they’ve been told that they are out of order suddenly there are all these extra mitigating factors and are just a worried parent instead of an ignorant terrible friend

@SquishyMommy1 I mentioned it in one of my first few comments. I just shared it again as a response to someone mentioning coming in contact with their blood. My feelings of uncertainty haven't changed and I have never once felt called out 😊

@Shanika my original post was a poll. Not much room to include much like a post. I do worry about safety for my kids but I also, more importantly, and grossed out. Two things can exist. I know I'm not a horrible friend lol I just find him sickly and a bit messy when he visits.

Hello Incognito! I totally understand you 😣 I have OCD since I can remember and every time someone use my toilet( family members , friends) I must clean it after they use it, and put a cover and my sofa seat and wash it after they leave 🤔 must people already get use to it but sometime they complain. Sometimes if they want to use the toilet for more than to urinate my body itches.

I think you need to educate yourself more on HIV. I don't mean to sound rude, but HIV is actually far less contagious than the common cold! Lol. The treatment for HIV these days is so good, that it barely leaves any trace of the virus in the person's bloodstream, and also they can even have normal relationships and even have kids! It's not the death sentence that it once was at all. This however, is dependant on the person taking their medication correctly and having regular check ups! I wouldn't worry about someone using my cups, cutlery etc. I'd literally treat them like anyone else at this point.