Are we having unrealistic expectations from our partners?
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These aren’t unrealistic expectations. I think as mothers, there is this notion that we must carry the mental load. We know where things are, we tidy as we move, and we don’t need to ask for help around the house since we’re sort of the “house managers.” With that said, you’re not being harsh if they can’t get it right. I think it’s really important to have hard conversations about this and communicate the load or ways that a partner can help you throughout the week. It should not all fall back on one person. I believe the SAHP should feel empowered to use this opportunity to find fulfillment in being there for their child but also not feel frustration as they are doing everything alone
@Lana I’m so sorry. You’re so new to postpartum as well I felt a lot of resentment towards my husband after the baby so I completely understand. I feel as though your partner should understand you without a word being said to him. Postpartum was really hard for me, new mums have to navigate so much, they sacrifice so much all whilst trying to heal from giving birth! Like the men who get it GET IT. I hate telling him what to do as well, I feel as though I shouldn’t have to, he does it but it’s the having to keep telling him part is what bothers me a little bit
@Amy i feel like they know what to do they just don’t do it because they feel like kids needing some structure, my husband is from guatemala and his grandparents showed him the wife and baby momma has to do everything
@Lev thanks for confirming I’m not being too harsh. I hate being that person having to tell you what to do but if I don’t, things don’t get done (the bin, things on floor etc) I feel with certain things like doing the dishes or changing diapers, taking her in for a nap etc he’s good at but there’s the other part of being a partner he’s not very good at. I’ve had conversations with him already about what I want more from him because the issue is that he’s not holding up certain (not all) responsibilities without me having to remind him from time to time but somehow we still keep running into the same issue, most of the time I just brush it off like it’s not a huge deal but like I said, ideally I don’t really want to have to think about his responsibilities for him and then reminding him if that makes sense. I have enough on my plate as it is but then the other part of me wants to be an understanding partner as well because he works really hard in providing for the family.
@Lana safe to say that’s NOT how I’ll be raising my son. Lol my husband knows our son (if we ever have one) will be an even better man than he is.
If roles were reversed would he be bothered you didn’t do that and he had the whole mental load? If you know he’d be bothered then it is not unrealistic. He lives there too and that’s his daughter too. Mental load and having to mother someone is not great and is a problem. If you stopped doing your stuff he’d notice and wouldn’t appreciate it. We should never clap our hands when they do bare minimum. Does he clap his hands when you remember every day to do yours?
I don’t feel like you’re asking for much. I have to do the same it’s like I have 3 kids. It isn’t sexy to mother your spouse or at least that’s how I feel. Mine will legitimately say ohhh I didn’t see that and the whole you never told me that. At this point I’m like dude I’ll do because it’s more tiring for me to be upset and bottle instead of actually just doing whatever it is. But know if this was in the pamphlet before we got married lol I might not have swiped left.
@Amy I think you’re being extremely considerate and open that he is the provider for your family, but you are also providing equal amounts of care and labor in raising your little one and tending to the home. I hope that these comments encourage you to voice out that you have a lot on your plate too. you deserve rest and assistance where you need (without asking for it). sending you warmth and love!
So I've been at home for 3 years now. We are currently in therapy for some of these exact same issues. Our most recent assignment was to write out our daily schedules (every little thing that you do on an average day), and also to keep a list of the things you do for one another that make their life easier or more convenient. When we took that to therapy, our days were super full of activities, but the difference in our task lists was huge. He didn't realize all the tiny things I do for him and for the household until it was written out in front of him. Since then he has been more helpful around the house, and more considerate. My husband also has an issue with procrastinating. So the therapist told me I needed to add the word "now" to things when I ask for them. For example "honey, can you take out the trash now please?". Without the word now, he doesn't realize I need it done right then. In his mind, as long as he does it at some point, it can be at his convenience.....
He has straight up admitted that doing cleaning tasks just doesn't occur to him in the same way it does to me. I see that there's only one clean bottle left, so I wash them. It's like he's blind to it until I ask him to do it. Most men (I'm generalizing, not all are like this) don't take subtle hints to things. If you need something, speak up. It feels like nagging to you, but to him it's just a simple statement of what you need from him in that moment. These are some things I've learned in therapy that have worked for us.
@Jenna babe I don’t do subtle hints lol, it can’t be any clearer than how I’ve been communicating. It’s the telling him to do it part every time that bothers me a little bit when he should know his responsibilities without needing a mention because at that point I may as well take on his responsibilities then if I’m having to constantly keep an eye out for his responsibilities as well. It’s the mental load I take on when he’s this way.
I think this is a common theme in marriage and something I am finding (at least for us) is that we have very different approaches to how things should be done/ when they should be done. For example, I want the kitchen closed out before we go to bed so in the morning the house clean for 5 mins before toddler destroys it. My husband sees the mess, knows what needs to be done, but has no issue doing it when we wake in the morning. And that’s just one example. He runs on a different timeline than me and I had to realize that first before we could move further. I was taking it as he was lazy and just wanting me to do everything. He’s having to learn the few things that increase my anxiety and I’ve learned to give into his timeline on other things so we could find a balance. I don’t know if that helps or not?
You do ok with switching off bedtime and doing dishes. Maybe trash is just not his thing, or you could tie it to something like bath time. I think having tasks that you tag team (one person does one and the other does the other) is a great way to get both done. You're both doing something and nobody feels like they are working while the other person is chilling/ taking advantage. Think of what else you might include to keep it sort of "even." Folding laundry is something that might also need to be done about every other day.... 😉
I have a husband with ADHD and anxiety. I also have anxiety, but I'm not aware of any Nero divergence myself. We have 3 kids that will likely experience similar struggles. We use tools, like our phones. My husband has a reminder in his calendar to take the trash out weekly. He and my 12 year old son take care of trash and recycling. They do their own laundry, but they're messy when it comes to the storage of their laundry. I write to our son with sticky notes (post-it) to ask him to take out recycling, put dishes away and a writing assignment. I have a dry erase calendar. I write down things I have in my phone calendar. It's an extra reminder for me and a way to share it with my husband. Sometimes the kids reference it and ask questions. My 7 year old daughter is a daily challenge. She is very easily distracted and can't seem to make anything a habit. I write notes to her sometimes or just ask her for help with small tasks. There's a dry erase list for chores as well. Calendars and alarms are great tools! 😉
girl i think they just don’t care my man works two jobs but some days he only works in one and i ask him to help change some diapers maybe make some formula and he doesn’t care not one bit i am sick and tired of it i wake up every 3-4 hours every day to feed her change her play with her clean while holding her bc she won’t stop crying if i don’t , i cook and clean for him and i don’t even cook for myself!!!