Anyone else checked out of their marriage?

My husband provides what we need. I don’t have to work if I don’t want to. I tutor occasionally just to have some money to save a little and spend on things I like that he doesn’t necessarily consider an immediate need. I feel my emotional needs aren’t being met and he then has an issue when I’m unable to meet his physical needs (or don’t have a desire for it, because I personally need an emotional connection want to be intimate l). Anyway the cycle of whose time blame has continue for almost the past 3 years (we have a 2.5 year old toddler). I’m just wondering if anyone else has managed to live happily in marriage they’ve checked out of? Have you managed to feel good within yourself while sticking to the marriage for the sake of the kids? It’s convenient. I have my home, my routine, my child gets to have both parents around. We can often get to a point of no bickering once we’ve switched off from each other. I just struggle with the pangs of hurt I feel whenever I realise how much my needs just don’t seem to be important to him. He continually tells me I’m rude and mean (simply because I tell him that it’s not fair to expect me to be all happy happy day in day out with zero connection and feeling totally lonely in marriage). And he always has something to make a comment about in terms of the house organisation or how messy my hair is, or the fact I’m always in comfy clothes. He doesn’t believe in Councelling or therapy, and I just don’t think it’s bad enough to warrant separation so I guess I’m looking for advice on how to ignore him, his comments, his rejection and dismissal of my emotional needs, and live a fairly fulfilled and somewhat happy life lol.

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There's a book called The Empowered Wife if you're okay being the "bigger person" and be the steamboat behind fixing things without him necessarily being on board. It's all about the changes you can make yourself. Some antiquated ideas in there too but plenty of golden nuggets. Ignoring it isn't the way to go in my opinion I think that will have you checking out even more as you usher in the resentment. Go on a date, do little special things for him because you appreciate him. There are likely things going on personally within the both of you that have lead to this breakdown in your relationship. Instead of focusing on making him be a better partner, focus on being the best partner you can be. One you can't control. The other you can. And all we can do is focus on what's in our realm of control. If he's a good man and not just a taker for takings sake, you might be surprised by how much your giving to him gets you in return and how much it could help the scales balance out.

Short answer? No, this won't work in the long term and you are doing yourself a massive disservice! I was with my ex for 12 years, and like you I had the house, the routine, the money and generally a cushy life. I didn't have to work either, so I was a SAHM for a while. I soon realised that it simply wasn't enough, and I deserved (and owed it to myself) to find someone who lit my fire as it were, as we had absolutely NO spark, and I didn't feel like he cared about what I wanted from life. So I ended it and haven't looked back. It's now been almost 6 years, and I'm happily engaged (although it's not been easy at times, as he's a man afterall) we have our own home and a baby together (also have 2 kids from my ex). Don't waste your life, you only get one!

I feel like all avoidant men get stuck in this vicious cycle! They expect physical intimacy to feel close but we need emotional intimacy first. From my experience most men dont take their partners seriously until the ultimatum is made ‘if you cant open up to me and also refuse therapy then I cant stay unhappily married to you, I love you but I love me more so its the last chance’. Without a deep emotional connection to one another a marriage is dead and it will negatively effect your children as they will copy, ignore and suppress their feelings. Men don’t want to change or do the work, they want to numb/suppress which is literally why men are depressed and die quicker without women. Its starts with an open, honest, vulnerable conversation about how you’re feeling and what you need which is to be seen, heard and responded to with love and compassion. Then encourage him to open up so you can do same for him. Its hard work & messy but worth it. Continue this communication forever

Staying for the kids should never be an option. As much as you think they don’t see things, they see it all. You’re teaching your daughter it’s okay to be treated this way and for her emotional needs not to be met. You’re also not teaching her to be respected by her partner. Neither is your husband. All the behaviour will affect the she sees human relationships in the future and his spouses should interact with Eachother. So for me it comes down to that. Do you want her living like this in the future? If you don’t want to better your life for you, do it for her.

Do not check out of your marriage! You must have loved each other at some point. Is that not worth fighting for?

Know exactly what you're going through. Its so sad. I could have written this myself as I am in the exact same situation. If you want someone to talk/vent to who understands where you're coming from, send me a message. Xx Stay positive lovely. I know it's hard.

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