Disappeared

Tbh, I would think about limit contact atm. Mum is clearly not in the right mind frame and I wouldn’t trust Nan to be honest about anything, if social services are involved I’d ask them for help, not sure if they’d help with maybe contact centre visits?

@Nicola I thought this too but as social services are only involved with SD half sibling (mums child) they just inform us and then say that it is dads decision how he wants to proceed with contact but that he would be within his rights to limit this. But we just don’t know what the right amount of limitation is! If it were solely my decision i think no contact face to face with mum until she is clean for an extended period of time and then progress to a contact centre where they can monitor her sobriety but i wouldn’t know how you put this in place, and/or if it is too harsh. It’s weighing up what is more likely to negatively impact, the continuous inconsistency of contact which is potentially unsafe or the removal of it, which is also going to impact. We are really not sure about the contact with SD nan as she is obviously in a difficult situation, and if we remove that contact SD won’t see her half sibling, but frustratingly Nan isn’t being honest. Really tricky!

Really sorry you’re going through this. I work in recovery, and personally if this is a regular occurrence or something that has happened more than a few times, in terms of limiting contact I would think about how damaging that is to your SD’s life. I personally would think it does more harm, for her mam to not show up, be under the influence, unreliable etc than it would to cut contact for a lengthy amount of time until she can evidence her abstinence. I agree with what you said in your previous response, it is extremely difficult and even more so with her age as she is able to understand more in comparison to a smaller child/baby however in terms of her growth, attachment styles, trauma etc I do think it would cause her more harm to have this continue. Children thrive of attention, reliability, trust, love etc and the more you and your partner can give of that - I think she will feel more at ease / happier. Really tricky, hope it all becomes easier for you all x

@Mia thank you for your reply. Sixth time of relapse in a year now. Mum hasn’t even attempted contact, including Mother’s Day when SD had made her a card from school which said “you are the best mum ever”. She was hoping she would ring as she was meant to spend the day with her but she didn’t call. Very heartbreaking. SD stayed with us for the weekend and we had a nice time. SD is going to stay with Nan and half-sister Saturday-Sunday and we are going to continue that arrangement so that she sees her sister, but under the premise that Mum is not in attendance. I’m not sure how it will work when Mum wants contact again, as it’s difficult to then tell Nan not to allow that and we can’t control as such what happens there. We don’t want SD to resent us as she likes to see Nan but we do need to protect her. We agree with what you said, no contact until a significant period of time sober and SD being around adults she is able to rely on would be in her best interest.

To add, its really tricky as Nan says comments like “it wouldn’t be in her best interest to limit her contact with me etc” and wants a contact arrangement as if she is the other parent, but she isn’t, and that isn’t a “normal” set up eg nan having half the holidays…