How do ya’ll come back from the SAHM vs husband who works argument?

Every now and then over something small, we have this freaking fight and I’m so sick of it. I’m still salty this morning after not speaking all night and me going to bed early. What happened: yesterday morning I ran to get groceries, our 3 yr old didn’t want to go so husband had him and the 7 month old baby (he rarely ever has both kids). Mornings are EASY. Cartoons and breakfast, then walk to do farm chores (feed animals is all), then baby nap and I’d be home for wake up and feeding. I was gone maybe an hour and 45 minutes. MAYBE. Fast forward to evening, husband is trying to start the grill but can’t get the charcoal to stay lit so I tell him just to cook on the stove. During this time, we had let our goats out of their gate to graze the new grass and plants around our house. I had both kids and was fighting the goats off of my flowers while holding the 7 month old (I usually just go clap my hands and they’ll go somewhere else) but they kept going back and the baby is getting heavy at this point. So I go tell husband to let me cook really quick and he watch the kids and the goats for me because obviously he’s stronger than me and can hold her longer without an arm going numb lol This man says something like “I held her all morning!” So as a SAHM I get a little rage inside of me and say “what do you think I do all day everyday??” and walk off to go back to the goat situation. He follows me and says “give her here” all annoyed so I can cook but I’m irritated now so I ignore him and he starts getting defensive and argumentative talking about why I always have to compare everything and I say he barely has to help with them anyway because he works and he interrupts me as I was saying that just to say he works constantly and blah blah (I don’t remember what else was said). So of course I remind him they’re his kids too and I never get a break and I’m not understanding how HE’S the one who’s mad when I did nothing wrong (in my head, all I did was ask him to watch the kids while I cooked) and he said “you never do” and walked back to the kitchen. I had to get him to put goats up a few minutes later and we barely spoke all night. Am I wrong, are we both wrong? He took a week off work FINALLY and I don’t want it to be quiet with pent up resentment but he spent all day yesterday being distant from something I’d said or done earlier (idk cause he won’t tell me but he’ll hang on to the SMALLEST thing for weeks without communicating so I tried all day to fix it and asked him to please talk to me if I’d done something but of course, he said “I’m fine” so anyway, he was already ready to pop off at me when the argument happened). Y’all, I barely get breaks or help. He works until 5-6:30pm most days and by the time he gets home, I cook dinner and usually bathe with our daughter and then put her to bed. Then we split days on putting 3 yr old to bed so half the time I do both kids bedtime. I only get to bathe alone if I ask him to please hold her and she’ll cry the whole time and he’ll come in there knowing she’s going to reach for me so she usually ends up in the bath with me. He’s as helpful as he can be after work (most days) and it’s not his fault the baby is already tired and fussy because it’s close to her bedtime so she only wants me. But he never has to help me at night with her, she still gets up every two hours usually and I don’t ask for help because he works and he’s not as quiet and calm as I am so she screams for an hour when he tries to put her back down (so no one wins). And almost every single night I’m getting up, he’s in the den at the opposite end of the house having a great time playing video games online talking to his friends, laughing and cutting up. It’s literally almost every night he’s up until 11pm-2am on games while I’m taking care of the kids so that’s another issue. He won’t prioritize sleep so he can be rested for work or be rested to be the best dad he can be. I know I don’t ask for help at night because it’s easier for me to put baby back to sleep, but am I wrong for the video game crap making me so rage full? And he’ll say “I don’t play every night” or “I’m not going to play all week” but then I’ll see him up playing (because he has no self control) and he’ll say “well I couldn’t sleep because xyz” and I always expect the least so I figure he’ll get on games no matter what because he can’t hold his word. Literally, last night he wasn’t supposed to get on games and sent me a text saying “Before you say anything yes I got on because I can not sleep after the afternoon we've had. If you need me I’ll be there to help with her” but then he stays on for a few hours like always and he knows why I don’t ask for help. I also breastfeed on demand so making her scream and waking up the other kid, just so he can try to soothe her makes no sense. Sorry, I know it’s a rant, I’m just tired of this same thing over and over. Idk what else to do and I’m tired of always being the one to apologize because he won’t. He rarely ever apologizes for anything unless it’s through text so it’s easier for me to (even if I wasn’t in the wrong) to smooth things over so our week isn’t shitty

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Tell him to take a week off and he does it by himself then see how he feels. Sounds like he’s not pulling his weight at all… You need to leave the house an get some you time an whatever days he’s home leave the baby with him let him take her that whole day or tell him his days off he has to take night shifts. Once I started doing that with my child’s father he finally understood it’s not easy

I have the same issues. You’re not over reacting and you’re completely justified in feeling like that. I agree with above, he sounds like he isn’t pulling his weight. My husband works 12 hour days every day. And at night I know he needs sleep. But it got to the point that I couldn’t do it all by myself, so it took multiple sit down conversations about it. A little bit of yelling but he’s finally getting it. And now he is home by 530/6 almost every night and he does bath and bedtime, every night. I also explained the more he is with his son, the more he’ll get used to getting comforted by him. Which after about a week of doing things by himself, he realized that and he liked that he was able to be the person to soothe him. Also, I frequently remind him how much our friends pay for daycare a year, that helps a lot too.

This is such a hard one. I feel you completely as we’ve had this but in different fonts over the last two years. It’s all about understanding each other and sometimes it does turn into comparing the outputs of one another’s day. The problem with understanding is there’s a mentality from (most) men who think: 1. We were born to carry children so it’s easier for us 2. We’re better at it as we do it all day, so we should just do it 3. We’re not doing anything out of the norm from what millions of women have done (raising kids) and it cannot compare to their hard jobs! All of which is complete BS - we all know it. But weirdly most men are conditioned to believe this either from their own home experiences or society. Letting him have the kids for the weekend when you take off somewhere would be a huge wake up call. I did it. But it doesn’t last, they soon forget. It’s a sit down conversation about mutual respect and understanding each other’s roles and TEAMWORK. No point scoring.

I think this is a very common argument so try not to think there’s something wrong with you both. He works Monday to Friday and we understand that and appreciate his work but so do you. After work and on weekends he needs to help. My husband and I finally came to the arrangement that after his work and after his dinner he helps out with the baby, we have now started alternating who watches the baby at night so I get some nights of uninterrupted sleep too and on weekends we BOTH look after the baby and house chores. It’s a lot being on baby duty all day everyday and it’s unfair. Tell him you’re struggling and you need him to help when he’s around. Unless he enjoys having a stressed out, irritable and exhausted wife he needs to be a man and step up. Doesn’t he want you to enjoy being alive too? Doesn’t he want his kids to have a mother who isn’t always exhausted and who can parent with joy and peace? He needs to step up!

So basically, this will always be a reoccurring issue? I swear we’ll get to a good place and he’s being more empathic but usually that’s what it is, he lacks empathy. He wants people to feel sorry for him when he’s struggling but I guess thinks I have it easy and never seems to have empathy when I voice how much I’m struggling because I stay home? And things do not “click” for him. He will be so stressed and exhausted just watching the kids a few hours alone but it doesn’t occur to him that I deal with it daily ALONE but if I bring it up it’s “why do you always have to compare??” when I’m literally just trying to get him to understand/care about my life like I do his. It never crossed his mind that in his two hours of struggling with the kids, that maybe it’s just a taste of what I go through. There’s no gratitude unless he’s feeling down about himself or being super lovey.

And he gets so used to things just being done for him I guess so I rarely hear thank you or I’m sorry. Waited on sorry after last night, never got it. Just got a kiss. Waited on a thank you for making a breakfast I couldn’t eat but never got it (I’m a vegetarian and make his meat based meals) 🤦🏼‍♀️ I give up. I swear he’s a good man most of the time and he does help but I think he just lacks common sense in relationships and he can be really selfish and not realize it (but plays victim if I point it out and uses me as the reason for his actions so it’s a battle always) I know his parents messed him up so he’s got a lot of inner child healing to do but DAYUM GET SMART DUDE before you lose a good woman 😭

Thanks for responding, everyone! It made me feel a lot better knowing it’s a pretty common issue. Now the video games, idk what to do with that. Some men (like all of his married with kids friends) never grow up

Well he will need to grow up or it’ll build resentment. He needs to choose what he wants - to continue on with a life he had before kids but alone, or to step up and be there for you as a partner and become a family unit. Before it’s too late and the damage is irreversible. Because your sex drive will go if he is just another kid to look after and you start to tire of it all. You need a sit down convo with it all on the table and come up with a game plan between you both. It has to start with listening to each other and not playing the “who’s got it worse” card. I hope he listens. 🤞

You definitely need to sit down with him and lay it all out on the table, before it gets worse. As for the video games. That’s unacceptable. My husband is also a gamer and he doesn’t really play during the week because of work but on the weekends he’ll play until 1-2am. But he knows, if he’s awake he is on baby duty. The friends he plays with know that as well, some have babies too and they all are okay with it.

Firstly just take some breaths a little bit alone. Try to remember it’s you and him vs the problem. You guys can work this out if you can both put your frustration aside and try to understand one another. Talk peacefully about what both of you can do to help one another so you can be a better team.

Calculate how much ur saving him by being the live in nanny, the personal chef, house cleaner, and if do anything else like budgeting/finances, making appointments ect. Also the cost of daycare, cost of formula. Also the tax credits from having a wife and child. These men real dumb all day. But they understand money

Thank y’all ❤️

@Jade ugh I’ve tried this approach and he tells me basically that I don’t do a good enough job to compare to hiring people🙃mind you I was in school for a while, then we moved where I have no support, he got a puppy & up until 2ish months ago I was pregnant & depressed🤦🏼‍♀️🙃

@Rhianna oh no hunny. You need to cuss him the fuck out. He sounds abusive. Does he control all they money? Keep you from visiting family/friends? Say any other belittling things?

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